If it’s not Scottish It’s Crap BFG’s

Ever seen Braveheart? You know how in that movie, William Wallace is this battle savvy warrior, and he confronts the English who keep tamping down their Will(iam) by just giving the Scottish lords pieces of land? You know how WW is constantly fighting against the lords and the king of England because he just wants Scottish independence? Remember how he dies at the end, but he dies with the words, “Freeedddooommm!!!!” on his lips?

We all know that he didn’t die with freedom on his lips. He died with bitterness in his heart. All the Scots are bitter. They are bitter because they live in this place called the UK (United Kingdom) that consists of four countries. Ireland, Wales, Scotland and England. Of the four, everyone LOVES England because London Bridge, EVERYONE LOOOVES Ireland, because of Irish Spring soap, and everyone LOOOVES Wales, because of Catherine-Zeta Jones, Anthony Hopkins, Roald Dahl and Jack Daniels. Scotland is famous for their yard.

No one loves the Scots. England took away their freedom (according to Mel Gibson), Wales makes fun of their inferior actors, and the Irish hate their soap.

The Scots are a bitter people because their weather sucks, their castles are boring, and their country is shaped like Jim Carrey’s The Grinch.

If you haven’t made the connection yet, Scotland is where my ancestors lived. In other words, I come from a long line of bitter people. I don’t even get the benefit of a cool Scottish accent. Although I do look good in a Kilt.

In just a few weeks, I’m going back to visit my long dead, bitter ancestors in the Scotland. I plan on seeing the castle where my great, great, great grandfather was in prison. I plan to visit the William Wallace’s memorial hut. And most importantly, I plan to visit JK Rowling’s castle in Edinburgh, where her and her son, Harry Potter and her daughter Emma Watson live. I also plan on visiting Diagon Alley and Fred and George Weasley’s magic shop. I’m not going to tell my sisters and dad though. I might just take the Floo network when they are sleeping.

If you were me, you would probably be looking forward to this “trip of a lifetime”. I’m not. I hate traveling. For many reasons. First of all, it sounds like just to get there, we have an 18-hour flight. And on the way there, we are traveling forward in time. I assume that means that we will start the trip on Wednesday and not get there until Friday, which means I am losing an entire day. Already, I want my day back.

Then, there is the limited time we’ll be there. Just when I get used to being there, I will being coming back home and losing another day. Another day where I could have been sitting on a couch and not taking pictures of a random castle.

Perhaps the worst thing of all, is I have to plan and prepare for 8 days and pack it all into a suitcase the size of suitcase. When my life and suitcase is full of bitterness, how am I supposed to make room for clothes and a camera? I suppose I will just have to cram down my clothes into one of those space saving bags, because my bitterness needs room to breathe.

Don’t worry though. While I may despise vacations, this is a good thing for you guys. Vacations create more bitter content for me than just about anything. So, I will have lots of blurry pictures, shaky video and rambling stories about Scotland when I get back.

In the meantime, be bitter that you enjoy traveling and would be much better suited to go to Scotland than I would, and here’s the Bitter Giftures of the Week…

Just like when Michael Scott says, I’m the king of the world on a boat…

…I will say FREEEEDDDOOOMMM when I go to Scotland.

And of course, I can’t leave Scotland…

…without showing off my hairy, pasty whites.

I plan on taking the Hogwarts Express from Universal Studios…

…to Universal Island’s of Adventure.

Maybe I will go visit Diagon Alley…

…and try not to get all my quid stolen.

Maybe I’ll go to Fred and George’s shop…

…and learn Gob’s of magic.

But those are just fantasy’s…

…that I hope will happen.

It’ll probably be more like…


And some nice relaxing…


Some shaky video…

…of castles…

Some really…

…cold showers.

Maybe running into some…

…weird creatures…

Learning some new weird…

…music techniques.

Because if it’s not Scottish…

…it’s crap.

You guys have a lot to look forward to, because not only do you get really bitter content from a trip to Scotland, but you also get a much needed break from this blog. Because what, like they have internet in Scotland? Like I’m going to be able to take the time from visiting yet another castle to sit down and write a blog. Like I’m even going to know what time or day it is America when I’m there. Seriously. Just enjoy your vacation from me.




19 thoughts on “If it’s not Scottish It’s Crap BFG’s

  1. My ancestors were Protestant Scots from France who migrated to Scotland, hated it there, moved to North Ireland where they hated the Irish and the British. They continued on to England to get completely fed up. So they hopped on a vomit boat bound for Ellis Island, became U.S. citizens and decided they hated the northeast. They moved to Virginia, then hated all the way to Georgia where they settled down and became merely bitter.
    Have a good trip.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I wish I could avoid the countryside, but apparently, we’re travelling through the whole country, which I believe includes cities as well as the country. You know I’ll be yelling FREEEDOM as soon as I land, so as to make sure everyone knows we are tourists and make sure they know to rob us.


  2. I love Scotland! No, I’ve never been there but my daughter-in-law is of Scottish descent and I watch Outlander and I’ve read all the Harry Potter Books as well as seen the movies and, of course, Braveheart. I could watch Sam and Graham dance around in kits all day; in fact, I think I might do that today. I like haggis, potato pies and oatmeal. I adore Birds & Bees Summer Ale while blasting AC/DC. What’s not to love? Scotland rules and I’d love to see it in person if only Scotland were in NY because there is no way on God’s green earth I am traveling anywhere. I have friends who want me to go to Liverpool in August for the International Beatles Festival. I would give my firstborn to go because I’m a diehard Beatlemaniac but it takes something like 87 hours to get there and I don’t like flying or packing or schlepping bags around or being with other people so why on earth would I want to go? There. It’s settled. I’m not going. Oh, God. I feel so much better! Now I can’t wait to see your travel pix and travel vicariously through you. I want men in kilts and lots of them! Men in Tights is a hell of a funny movie but I still prefer looking at men in kilts. Except for Fat Bastard. That’s just wrong.

    Liked by 2 people

    • So what you are saying is that you love Scotland and would love to go there, but you hate traveling and would never go there. I’m mostly the same boat. I’m curious, but I hate flying and traveling and the pressure to have fun and cram all this fun into a week and a half and the general sluggishness of how I’m going to feel after traveling back and forth. I hope to get some cool pictures and drone footage and pictures. Though they will probably just be pictures of grass and fields and buildings that you could see almost anywhere in the world. At least that’s how I make fun of other people’s trip pictures.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ll gladly swap places with you so you can enjoy your usual couch adventures while I enjoy some Scotland adventures. 😁 According to my sister’s 23 and me, we have a decent little chuck o’ Scottish ancestry from Glasgow, and I’d love to check it out, plus some Harry Potter places!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Haha funny (bitter) story. I love Scotland and have been there a few times. Edinburgh is one of my favourite cities to visit, except for the tourists. The Braveheart film is ok but not factually correct. Wallace was a knight, not a peasant. Robert the Bruce wasn’t a traitor, etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s my made up initials for Bitter Friday Giftures. I got tired of typing it every single week, so a while ago I told everyone that I was shortening it. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that not everyone read that particular post. On the other hand, the confusion caused you to make a comment, so it was just a part of my bitter plan.
      Trust me, I will definitely bring back some bitter souvenirs from my trip.


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