When I was 7 years old, I was a 3-sport athlete. I was a world class goalie (I was really good at standing and watching other kids fight for the ball) a two-time no-star center in basketball (I was awesome at standing on the low block with my hand up waiting for the ball) and I was an amazing baseball player (really good at standing in center field waiting for the ball). In retrospect, I guess I wasn’t so much an athlete, but more of a really good at standing (which is much more athletic that my current “always laying”)

In one of most confusing moments as a junior stander, I was about ready to go to bat, with two runners on base and my coach pulled me aside for a little pep talk. He needed me to get a hit to win the game. His pep talk stuck with me, not because of how it motivated me, but how much that it confused me. To this date, I’m still confused by what he meant. He said, “Cake it! Cake that ball!”

I’m no Forrest Gump, but I remember thinking to myself, “What does it mean to cake a ball?” Does that mean to gobble a piece of it, cause it’s so delicious? Is it like my birthday cake, so I should share it with all my friends? Or is it more of a wedding cake, where I should gently slam it into my spouses face? I don’t remember exactly happened in my at-bat, but I remember I didn’t “cake it” and we lost the game. I was never good at baseball games, but I’m world class at the blame game. So, of course, I blamed our loss on the coaches confusing motivational speech.

I executed a perfect blame game against my dad after the game. Still confused about the caking remark, I asked him what it meant. He, like any other human, looked just as confused. I just Googled “what does it mean to cake a ball?” and even Google is confused. If you can’t get a straight answer from Google, it doesn’t exist. My guess is the coach was on some sort of “supplements”.

When I was in 7th grade, I was fairly tall, so the obvious route was basketball. I joined a Y team and the coach rode us pretty hard, by sometimes making us walk instead of stand still. I was used to my typical stand on the low block and hold up my hand thing. He told me I was supposed to pivot instead of travelling. Confused, I wondered why traveling in basketball was so bad? Influencers and people pay good money to travel, and they enjoy it so much that they post all their travelling pictures on Instagram.

Short story long, he got me so frustrated that I decided to quit. He didn’t like that. He called my dad and offered to take us to Wendy’s in order to convince me to come back. I relented and everyone pretended to be nice to me at the next practice. I ended loving basketball, but only after not being on that guys team.

You probably have some of the same great memories with your coaches as I did. Coaches have the amazing ability to teach and mentor like teachers can’t. They can bring out the worst in us like no other authority other than bosses, parents or teachers. They teach a special kind of torture. They teach you what everlasting hell feels like with endless running drills. They boost your self-esteem with life affirming phrases like, “You will never amount to anything in life if you can’t learn how to pivot your feet!” They even teach you about priorities. “I don’t care what how much your school teachers want you to do homework and learning stuff and study for tests. Those mean nothing compared to learning the playbook!”

Coaches are vital and critical. I’m sure many of you have life coaches, business coaches or even financial coaches. A life coach might be a mentor that you pay to help you grow, learn and become a better husband, father, and employee or how to be happy. A financial coach might provide you with small steps that will eventually get your finances in order. A business coach might help you start a business or grow one that you’ve started and just need help with the little stuff. We can all use a little coaching to become better at our dealing with our weaknesses.

That is why I’m here. I would love to offer you my services as a Bitterness Coach. I know what you are thinking. My life is great. I love my family, my friends, and I have a great job. Why would I ever need a Bitterness Coach? Because deep down, when you get a moment to reflect, you think, “My life is too good. I have this mansion, I have all this money, my family loves me, and my co-workers are so great to work with. It just seems like something is missing. Where is all my bitterness?”

That’s where I come in. You have money. I have a bank account that you can transfer it to. You have a family that loves you. But because they love you so much, they are suffocating you.

I can make them not that way.

Your job loves you so much that they want you to be there all the time. Your co-workers love you so much they want to hang out with you after work. You have so much money, everyone wants to be your friend. You are envious of that guy that sits in the corner at work, frustrated with his job, angry about his parents and always complaining about being in debt and how he will never not owe money to someone.

I am here to help. In a way that will look like I’m not helping. But to you I will be helping.

Bitterness coaching is an extensive program where I will help you go from happiness to bitter in only 60 years. It will take a long time because your money will constantly need to be transferred to my account. But imagine a life where you could be just like that guy in the corner, frustrated, angry, but most of all bitter.

That dream life of yours can be a nightmare, but only if you hire me as your Bitterness coach. Of course, the patented course has dozens of complex steps that you will not be able to do on your own. But as a courtesy, I will offer you a few steps of the program, so you will get hooked and will have to purchase the yearly $16,000 a year program.

Step 1: Our toll-restrictive 1-900 line. To order the program, you must call our really expensive line. Any customer service is done over that same line. As you know, we are really busy and will have to place you on hold. You will be charged for every low-quality minute you spend with us on hold. We will have required weekly 2-hour long calls to help you be more bitter.

Step 2: In-person coaching. Our specially trained coaches will come to your house weekly to increase your bitterness. Of course, we make sure to work around your schedule. We only come at the busiest times for you, or in the middle of the night, whichever one will make you more bitter.

Step 3: Refunds. We make sure you are 100% fully unsatisfied with your coaching. If you even have 1% satisfaction, we will make sure you do not get refunded.

Step 4: Ignorage. We know how much you must want to be listened to. We are all about not doing that. We have world class ignorers. They learned their skills by years of observing how pre-teens, teenagers, dads and politicians ignore people. No one can touch our coach’s ignorage ability.

Step 5: Confusion. We promise that you will always be confused. Just when you think the program is starting to make sense, we will throw in something that sew’s confusion. We will make plans, then not show up. Just when you are about to give up, we will show up. You will never feel confident in how the program works and will never get full instructions. You will feel like your time, money and energy is being completely wasted.

This offer is only available for a limited time of forever. Don’t miss your chance to be Bitter Coached by not only the worst coaches, but the only bitterness coaches.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Coach Ben