Ratio’d Bitter Friday Giftures

I love listening to my headphones at work because it seems dangerously close to not doing work, which is my favorite thing to do. Work avoidance, both at work and at home are really great skills to have. I’ve always tried my best to be mediocre or less in everything I do.

Yesterday, I accidentally listened to something that was productive, a marketing summit that thought they could make me more productive at my job. They had no idea what kind of person they were trying to make productive. It was this marketing summit that talked about how to make your marketing content more viral on social media. Of course, all you had to do was pay them 2 grand, and then do a bunch MORE work to do so, but other than that, it’s easy as pie. Don’t worry, that is 80% off the price he charges his billionaire clients to make more billions.

What he didn’t know is that I didn’t need any help making my blog more mediocre. I’ve worked on it for years and it hasn’t gotten any better. If some marketing guy got a hold of this blog, he might start making it good and I can’t do that to you guys. You’ve come to expect bland work at best, snorefests at worst. That might start encouraging you to do something with your lives, and I can’t have that happen.

Besides, I’m working on a new goal. Getting ratio’d. I first heard this term from a YouTuber about a week ago. I didn’t know what it meant, so of course, I turned to the Bible of Millenial, Gen Z and Gen Alpha Terms, the Urban Dictionary. It told me nothing. So I went to the next best place, my daughter. She told me that getting “ratio’d” can mean a few things.

One, if you put out a tweet that gets more comments than likes, you’ve been negative ratio’d. In that sense, it means that your tweet was so bad, that people are mostly sending you hate comments because it sucked. The other meaning is even more savage. It is that a comment to your bad tweet has more likes than your original tweet. It takes an exceptional person to make a tweet that bad.

As soon as I heard about this phenomenon, I knew that I had to be ratioed. I’ve been ratio’d in all other aspects of my life, but not on Twitter.

Have you ever told a joke that was so bad that people got more laughs at making fun of your joke? Why yes, yes I have. Have you ever left early from your job to say go to a doctor’s appointment, and everyone at work got so much more done and even left early because you were gone for a little bit?

Have you ever been on a baseball team and missed a week of games and coincidentally, your winless team not only won, but made the playoffs and won the whole thing without you? Since I was on the team, I still got a trophy, but I was definitely ratio’d.

Do you want to know when my blog was at its most popular? Between July 2018 to December 2018 when I didn’t have access to this blog. Coincidence? Nope. Not only was my blog at its peak, but WordPress and most of you unbitter bloggers were at record levels too. WordPress was working as hard as possible behind the scenes trying to make sure this blog never resurfaced, but they failed. They were many bitter tears shed when I got it back int December 2018, and the guy in charge of keeping me out was fired, which sucked for him, because they were just about to give him a huge Christmas bonus for keeping me out so long. His family didn’t even get Christmas presents that year.


Speaking of ratio’d, how’s about we show some examples of others getting ratio’d on the Bitter Friday Giftures….

If you didn’t notice…

…the baseball strike ended this week to a loud chorus of yawns.

I have an almost 10:1…

…work to laying on the couch ratio, which is a lot closer to perfect.

I’m working on my amateur…

…weak man competition and my couch lay downs are doing wonders.

Clearly the cheese to pizza ratio…

…is way too low.

The math is off on this one…

…the share ratio should be 35 me to none anyone else.

Why are you so good on Twitter…

…Because you both have limited Character(s).




…is it a little Chili in here?

The only comeback I’m not good at…

…is the comeback to work.

You didn’t think you were going to escape…

…another week of The Office Giftures, did you?

Nerds are the best at ratios…

…and pranks.

Yes, my Twitter is trying its best…

…to get ratio’d.

Needless to say, I work really hard on giving you least exciting content on this blog, and I don’t ask much of you. So, now I just need you to do one little thing, and that is to make comments about how bad this blog is and then everyone else should like those comments so I finally make something of this blog and get it ratio’d, so it gets mocked in the media. Then I can at least tell my parents I fell short of my 15 minutes of fame by only getting 14:53.


Bitter Ratio’d Ben


22 thoughts on “Ratio’d Bitter Friday Giftures

  1. I am both a comedian and a deep thinker. You definitely related to every ounce of my being. Well done, I’ll have to read more from your blog to determine your unique comedy style. Good stuff.


  2. It would SO boost my toilet-level self esteem if I made a comment that got lots of Likes that it would never happen. Oh dear that sounded like I was needily begging for Likes. Which I guess I was, but mainly for the praiseworthy goal of helping you get what you said you wanted (I would not hazard a guess as to what you really want). Where was I going with this?


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