Camera BFG’s (Bitter Friday Giftures)

What do you think is more prestigious? Being on the cover of a magazine or being featured on a sweatshirt? This might have been a hard question back in the 80’s when I grew up, because back then we had a thing called magazines. It’s hard to imagine my kids even understanding the importance of magazines. I think they know they exist, but they have no idea why.

I ask that question because Dwight Shrute is featured on the cover of my sweatshirt today. A few weeks ago, when I went to the doctor, both the nurse’s assistant and the doctor both complimented me on the sweatshirt. They immediately recognized Dwight and we struck up a conversation about The Office. We talked about which character was their favorite, how many times they had watched each season, why their spouses loved it so much, and so on.

I don’t know if you know this, but The Office is a worldwide phenomenon. Do you have any idea why it is still so popular? Let me tell you. I’m a The Office influencer. Do you really think that it’s a coincidence that my blog started in March 2012, precisely the moment that the Office popularity skyrocketed? It’s not a coincidence. If you don’t believe me, check Wikipedia. I’m going to put an entry in there after I finish here.

The Office was a failing paper company before I started my Influence campaign for them. Did you know that the Office was on Netflix for a long time and now it’s on Peacock, Comedy Central and Freeform? You can thank me for that. Anyone else have T-shirts, sweatshirts or even The Office board game? I came up with that when I was board (as in board of directors). All those Michael gaffs? (Cut off his nose to Spider Face? I used to say that.)

You are probably wondering why I wasn’t a cast member. It’s simple really. It’s the same reason I’m not a TikTok influencer, or a YouTuber, or World Famous Facebooker.

Unlike the cast of the Office, I don’t like talking to cameras. Because cameras are really bad conversationalists. Believe me, I’ve tried. They never talk back. Ever. Social media influencers are constantly talking to their phone cameras, The Office characters are always talking to the cameras, and President’s have been conducting press conferences since cameras were invented. The camera never talks back.

Let’s be clear. I don’t like talking in the first place. But if I did, I would want people to talk back to me. I would want them to tell me that everything I’ve ever said is intelligent, clear and the deepest thing they’ve ever heard. Whenever I say this, they stare at me blankly, move their chair nervously and slowly away from me and then say, “Dad, you need to stop talking. Besides I have some homework I can’t wait to do.”

That’s weird. My kids never want to do their homework.

The fact that cameras don’t talk is one thing, but they take creepiness to a whole other level. Their whole goal in life is to STARE at you. They snap at you, take photos of you, and follow you around. They are so creepy that there is a whole species of them that are called “hidden cameras”. Some of them even record everything you do. And then they post your least flattering looks on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube. And worst of all, they remember EVERYTHING. You might have put your teen years in the rear view, but they haven’t. Their favorite thing is to post an unflattering photo you took 10 years ago and then goad you to repost it on Facebook. Or they will remind you of a bad thing you did at work.

Speaking of The Office, remember how much the cameras following those guys around? For 9 years, they watched their every move. Michael, Jim, Dwight and Pam got so used to them being around that they started talking to them, even though they never talked back. That is why the actors still talk to the cameras to this day.

One of their worst offenses was not helping Kevin pick us his chili when he spilled it right in front of them…we should at least pick up with the Bitter Friday Giftures…

Here is something you should understand…

…none of these embarrassing gifs would exist without the creepy camera stalking them.

If it’s not on Instagram…

…then it never happened.

Dwight would have sold so much more paper…

…if the cameras would have stopped following him around.

Michael may have been able to fire Toby…

…if the cameras weren’t always around.

Jim couldn’t escape the cameras…

…even when he moved to a new branch.

Angela’s cats…

…weren’t even safe from the watchful eye.

The cameras even exposed…

…Stanley’s secret pizza hiding spot.

They wouldn’t even help Kevin…

…pick up his world-famous chili.

They captured Kelly lack of understanding…

…of what a question is.

They caught Pam…

…being a cheeseball.

They captured Andy’s…

…viral moment.

But perhaps most embarrassingly they caught Creed…

…with his pants down.

Samsung and Apple may tout the “best camera ever” every time they come out with a new phone, but really do we want good cameras anymore? Perhaps it might be best if they start touting the blurriest camera ever so we will all be given some privacy for once. Or maybe they can get the camera to start talking so we don’t see them as such a creepy kid just stalking our every move? Just a thought.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Camera Avoiding Ben

9 thoughts on “Camera BFG’s (Bitter Friday Giftures)

  1. “Let’s be clear. I don’t like talking in the first place. But if I did, I would want people to talk back to me. I would want them to tell me that everything I’ve ever said is intelligent,”

    Lovin’ it!

    Bravo!

    Like

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