A lot of people wonder in awe at how great I am at writing, especially considering that I’ve never been a big reader. I suppose I could be an adequate reader if Audible just narrated all the books to me. On the other hand, I could just have TV do all the work by narrating and editing books for me in the form of movies and TV shows. Who needs to have an imagination, when directors can imagine books for you? When given a choice between having a visual medium (cause I’m a visual learner) that you don’t really have to pay attention to, or deliberately sitting down, putting on your reading glasses, and focusing on words while my family finally decides they need to talk to me RIGHT NOW, TV is going to win every time.

I suppose comic books could have been the gap between TV and reading, because you know, pictures with a few words, but then video games (another visual medium) came along and killed that noise really quick. Besides, video games allow you to control how things turn out, thus the video game controller. No weird comic book writer telling me where the story goes. It’s like a much better Choose Your Own adventure story. Ironically, I’m making you, the readers, go where my blogstory is telling you to go. Suckers.

Comics may not have been for me, but other nerds (yeah, I know, it’s hard to believe I was a nerd) were debating the Marvel vs. DC comic book war. I only watched the limited TV shows about the most popular heroes. Of course, I watched the Superfriends with Superman, Batman, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman, but that show was only on for a few years, and I was only marginally interested. I knew a little about the Marvel guys, like the Hulk, and Spiderman, but for the most part, I’m like everyone else, learning about these heroes from the recent cinematic overdose of comic book cinematic universes.

Even though I loved Superman, most people didn’t like him or Thor because they were too overpowered. Supposedly, it’s hard to write interesting stuff about them, because they are almost invincible. They end up fighting alien creatures that devour planets for breakfast (yes, Happy Gilmore, they eat pieces of planets for breakfast). That’s probably why recent movies like the Eternals were so hard to watch. Overpowered heroes fighting planets are so not relatable.

Which is why people love Spiderman and Batman so much. (Either that or they’re obsessed with heroes based on creatures that create jump scares in movies.)

My theory is that some intern was working at Marvel, created Spiderman, got laughed at and fired for creating a hero that was bitten by a radioactive spider. So he had to take a job at DC and he was pressured into creating a new hero there. He’s like, well I can’t do a Spider, so how about…a bat? People like bats, right? He can be the protector of New York, nope can’t do that. How about a fictional New York? Isn’t a Gotham a nickname for NYC? Perfect.

Then he’s like, well I can’t make Batman a kid, that can climb walls, but how about he can, got it!, he can climb corporate ladders! He’ll be a rich guy that has so much wealth, he can create his webs to swing across the city. Nope not webs. How about…got it, we’ll give him the world wide web, and that will help him create gadgets like a batarang, and stuff so he can swing across the city.

But how can he have a Spiderlike sense to warn him about things? I got it! The commissioner of Gotham can create this Bat Signal that can warn him of danger. Not so subtle, but then again, there is no such thing as a bat sonar, right? (Looks it up.) Oh, wait there is. We’ll have to do that with some technology though.

Then he’s like, I can’t make his uncle Ben die from a robbery…oh wait, got it. How about both of his parents die from a robbery? Yes, and dad is really rich, so that is how the Batman gets his wealth. Perfect.

But Spiderman liked to use his room as kind of a sanctuary to build his suit and stuff. How do we do that with a grown-up hero? He needs some sort of fortress of solitude or…like a cave. Yeah! Bats live in caves! We’ll call it the…BATCAVE!

But Spiderman is easily distracted by school, prom, and you know, school activities. How can I make Batman that way? How about in his CEO job he…has to show up to work at his company every once in a while. Ehh, that kind of works, I guess.

Spiderman has a costume that is red and blue and represents America and optimism. I need another color scheme, that isn’t quite as bright. How about blue and grey and a little yellow? No, too hokey. How about black. All Black.

Spiderman has this nickname Spidey, because you know, he is like a spider, but also kind of a spy, because he can hold onto buildings and ceilings and stuff. What do we do with Batman? He is more of a detective at night. His nickname should be something like that. He likes the night and at night it’s kind of dark…How about Dark Night? MMM…Close. He’s got a round table in his cave…kind of reminds me of those Camelot guys that had one. What were they called? Um, oh yeah, Knights. Night. Oh my gosh! I got it! The DARK KNIGHT.

The most important thing, is maybe someday, movie studios will want to make these guys into a movie, maybe even two. I’ll probably need to make sure they have girls that they like, and perhaps a time travel or maybe a multiverse? Oh my gosh. Who am I kidding? No one will ever make movies out of these guys. Seriously. What am I thinking? Guys in suits on a big screen. I’m so fired. I probably should have just become an accountant like my dad said. Instead of making these stupid heroes for nerds.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Spiderman vs Batman Ben