Blog Burning BFG’s

My patheticness, sorry I mean, my apatheticness toward reading started at a really young age. My mom took special care to not read to me every night, because she had an infinitely more important child that she had to make a success. My sister was always more important to my parents, so of course, they read to her. She went on to become a national scholar, a lover of research, homework, and eventually a lawyer.

Thankfully, my mom didn’t read to me, because then I might have ended up liking reading. I might have learned things, become a better person, learned to like people, or even done well in school. I definitely would have been a better writer and for sure become a successful entrepreneur, actor, or a Tik Tok reality show mogul.

Luckily, I avoided success and became a guy with a half-finished book and a career in the digital media (in other words, the media that isn’t famous). Who wants to be in a spotlight when you could lurk in the shadows (amiright Bruce Wayne)?

Daniel Tosh did a comedy bit about 15 minutes of fame. He laughed at the notion that everyone got 15 minutes. He said it was an average. He pointed at the audience and said that means zero for all of you, 20 years for me. I disagree. I think most people just run into it accidentally. And when we accidentally get it, most of us think that fame really sucked. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be rich. That’s why I want to be a famous author. Because famous authors can write under pen name’s and be anonymous. According to that one Hallmark movie, the more anonymous you are, the more intrigue there is around you.

Since my book is only half done, and not looking like it will be done anytime soon, my only chance at anonymous, intriguing and rich author is this blog. I mean there’s a huge market out there for bloggers that complain about stuff and treat bitterness likes it’s an identity and a personality right? The New York Time’s Bestseller List is full of those authors.

Okay, so that won’t work, but I’ve devised an evil plan that will soon get to be a part of. Have you ever heard of a book burning? Do you know what happens when someone either threatens to or actually does burn a book? Everyone, no matter how little they cared about the book, all of a sudden, wants to read it.

People are either infinitely stupid or infinitely curious. No one knows for sure which one. As soon as a book is burned, the interest in the book goes up immediately. Everyone wants to know, “Why?” Why is this book so controversial? Why is it so dangerous? What are the letters and the words crammed together that are so interesting, so crazy, or so unique that someone wants to ban it or burn it?

I don’t know or really care. If I am a human that is either stupid or curious, I must buy that book, or at least check to see if it’s in the library.

Burning a book is the ultimate promotion. Sales are always through the roof. You might be a smart person that saw the title of this blog and said, “I know where he is going here.” If you’ve caught on, I hope you are on board.

I want you to burn my blog.

That is my devious plan. I want you to tell your local libraries and congresspeople and crazed lunatics about how dangerous this blog is, and that they need to burn it.

Burn it to the ground. I want to see the ashes of 1’s and 0’s floating up in the air. I want protests, stand-ins, marches and rallies. I want the shocking images on the local news and, if you must, the national news. Turn over cars to get across your message. We can’t have this dangerous content anymore.

Ban my blog from existence. You know you want to. You can’t stand it anymore.

Before you go burning this mother to the ground, make sure you view some controversial BFG’s first…

Don’t worry…

…everything is good.

Burning papers…

…is so 2021.

When you are tired of getting verbally burned…

…take some time to ice out this blog.

Don’t worry, I will pay you back…

…and burn your blog someday.

Just…

…do it.

Sign…

…the petition.

Come with…

…your torches.

Come with…

…your pitchforks.

Come with…

…your forked tongues.

Your huddled…

…masses.

Your people yearning…

…to burn this mother down.

Bring out…

…your crazy people.

But most of all…

…bring out your bitterness.

I know you guys are tired of all the controversial content on this blog. Doesn’t it just get you so mad? Get your pitchforks and your flames of bitterness and start burning this down. If you don’t, I might start saying more controversial things about you. You don’t want that. Like, I might even start talking about religi…or politi…

Don’t make me do it!

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH (from the blog burning)

Bitter Burn this Mother Down Ben

10 thoughts on “Blog Burning BFG’s

  1. Very funny. I think you will be more recognized for burning your blog than your book. 1’s and 0’s going down in flames will set a precedent. You’re a trailblazer literally. Have a good day.

    Like

  2. Love this! Your reasoning is sound. So true that “Everyone, no matter how little they cared about the book, all of a sudden, wants to read it.” It has to be the same principle for a blog. Has to be…

    Liked by 1 person

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