Like, the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, I’ve always been looking for my brain. It’s there, I know, but it always seems to betray in my moment of need. Sure, it keeps me alive, is the central hub for figuring out how to walk, talk, breathe and how to write scorchingly funny, yet deeply insightful blog posts about the bitter nature of mankind, but it also betrays me on a regular basis.

For instance, how about that one time that I was taught about math, and all the steps and facts and techniques were right there in my brain. Then when the test came, I asked it very demandingly to recall all those things. But it got easily distracted with lines from the original Transformers cartoon or wondering why people think butterflies are so great. Now to be fair to my brain, those Transformers line were way more important, but the brain ignored all pleas for math help, even though it was right there ready to take.

My brain betrayed me in other big moments as well, like for instance, the countless job interviews I went to when the interviewer asks me critical questions like, “What is your name?” and “How long did you work in your previous job?” and “Where are you from?”. The brain withheld the info just when I needed it. It’s almost like my brain does this for giggles.

Even when I was dating, my brain was cruel and unusual. I would ask a girl to attend a function with me and she would reply with, “No thanks, dork” and my brain would tell me to say something like, “So how about next week then?”

I’m starting to think my brain just wants to embarrass me, just so it can go viral with clips from my embarrassing flubs it causes.

My suggestion is that we fight back, by using what every good video game character uses. A head up display, or HUD. Basically, every cool video game character gets this helmet that displays what kind of gun they are using, how many bullets are left in the clip, and how much health they have left before they die. All useful information, for sure. But what I am suggesting is that we get much more useful information in our HUD’s.

All the information we could ever need is right there in our brains and on the internet. If we could just give our HUD’s access to all of that, then we could stop using our inefficient brains that just withhold information for Tik Tok videos. Our HUD’s could do the work, and then we might finally get better grades on math, do better on interviews, and maybe get a girl to go to the Monster Truck Rally with us.

Actually, it would be better if I was the only one to have a HUD that would be great. Then you might all finally understand the mad genius you have standing before you and then I could be like the brain. I would only parcel out my morsels of amazingness when I feel like it, and you could marvel at how smart I am and wish you could be like me. So, since I know Elon Musk is reading this, could you create the HUD for me and only me, so I can use this immense power over everyone? Thanks Elon, I appreciate it. In exchange, I will buy a Tesla at a later date.

Enough about me and Elon Musk’s great friendship. Let’s just get to the BFG’s, shall we?

If you aren’t familiar with HUDs…

If you’ve seen Free Guy…

Or what you dorks like see…

What I’m imagining…

And using it to dodge things…

While still maintaining…

Because you always had…

Because you always said…

You’re going to pass…

With…

Every interview…

Because you will easily…

And Elon Musk will be your second best friend…

Just a reminder that Elon Musk is actually only making this for me, so you will never be able to be smart like me, but I will allow you to be a part of all this. If you continue to follow, like and share my post, you might get a morsel of my greatness. Just don’t expect it on a regular basis.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Heads Up Ben