I’ve always been a bit of a contradictionist. When people liked Nike’s, I wore Reeboks (maybe that was because my parents didn’t want to pay for Nike’s). I liked the San Antonio Spurs when everyone else in my area liked the Utah Jazz. My favorite contradiction of all is the getting up early, staying up late, and basically not sleeping. Yeah, some people think sleep is good for you and if you don’t get it, you will die earlier, but we will all die someday, and I figure I will get plenty of sleep when I’m dead.

Being contradictory is fun because it makes other people bitter about you and who loves making people bitter more than me? So I’m always looking at things like Hallmark movies, TV shows and movies and asking, “What if they did this show this way?” Wouldn’t it be so much bitter if they just did this? I’m sure that the shows wouldn’t be better in any way if they did them my way, except to me. But to me, things would, and isn’t it all about me anyways? Who cares about other people?

So I was watching this horrible, awful, really bad teen flick on Disney +, because my wife is infamous for picking really bad shows. I know that when she picks a show it is almost guaranteed to be horrible, terrible or so cheesy that it makes your bagels taste better.

The show was called Star Girl and it was about this teenage boy who was forced into a life of blandom, because he had a bad experience of trying to stand out while he was young. Someone cuts his weirdo ties that his dad gave him, and now he struggles with standing out, so he just tries to fit in now. You know, the eternal struggle between trying to stand out and trying to fit in that both teens and everyone else goes through?

Anyway, so enter the girl named “Star Girl” into his life. She is the child of a hippy mother who likes to drift from place to place. Because of this, Star Girl is this Quirky and different type of girl that likes to play the bango and sing songs in front of the whole school at lunch. She wears colorful clothes while everyone else wears black, grey and tan colors. You know, the obvious contrast this kid needs to kick him out of his doldrums.

So of course, bland kid is immediately attracted to rebellious, courageous girl. They have a whirlwind romance. But trouble comes when he decides to convert her to being bland too. They break up, but come to terms with each other right in time for prom, where she makes prom a special place by being herself.

Then, before he has a chance to talk to her, she leaves prom and mysteriously disappears…from the prom, from town, and is never seen again. She becomes a legend in town, mystery, a myth. Bland boy asks town hermit who he thinks she was. He then shows bland boy about the secret room that boy didn’t know about. In the room, he sees clippings of things that happened to boy and other people in town, and he realizes how much she knew about him already. He finds it so sweet, and realizes she just really cared about everyone in town.

At this point, the curious bitter bell goes off in my head. Isn’t this the kind of thing police would find in a psychotic, sociopath, murders basement? You know, a person that collects newspaper clippings about people in town? A person that is a drifter, and a loner that lives on the edge of town?

Then my bitter genius kicked in and I said, “Doesn’t that seem a little stalkery? All of a sudden she disappears?” So then I though, how cool would it be that this supposed sweet teenager love story had a twist ending, and we found out that Star Girl was a murderer? Talk about the twist of the century. A quirky teen that turned out to be a murderer at the end.

I think Sixth Sense would be relegated to the trash bin of history, if someone could ever pull this off. Of course, it would never happen, because Disney+, and you could never market a murdering teenager movie to kids, and adults would never watch a cheesy kid romance without knowing that something genius happens at the end, and of course, Hollywood has never met a plot twist they haven’t ruined in a trailer, but man, how cool would it be? If someone made this movie, made his friends watch it, and then it went viral.

Whooosh. If someone ever does this and makes it happen, please give me all the credit if it turns out great. If it doesn’t, pretend you never read this, and I’ll delete it and deny it to the grave.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Twist Ending Ben