This is what exercise does for you (the second one).

You all thought I was lazy. And you are absolutely right. If it was possible for someone invent something that would allow me to slide off the couch, roll me to the kitchen where a sandwich would be made for me, I would probably never leave the couch.

Then the other day, I watched something that changed my mind.

I was watching a video on Facebook about the old school Super Mario Bros. Game, orginally on the NES.  This guy had a super slow mo camera that slowed it down to 380,000 frames per second or some mumbo jumbo. It slowed down so much that it showed that TV is not moving pictures, but just a bunch or lines jumping across the screen really fast.

Now that I’ve seen it, I’ve realized that TV isn’t such a technological marvel. In fact, TV itself isn’t really a miracle at all. I am.  I guess others humans are kind of, but mostly me.  I have this brain that is so cool, that I process billions of lines flashing back and forth on a screen and I can see it as a picture. My mind skips all the Matrixy lines, and adds them all up to show a picture.

I guess I’m not as lazy as I thought. You know who is lazy?

I’ll tell you who the lazy ones are. The people that go outside all the time. The runners, the joggers and the hikers. All you guys do is move a few body parts, your legs and maybe your arms. I’m over here processing millions of pixels running back and forth on my screen for hours and days at a time. And it’s not like I’m not moving my arms. My right arm is repeatedly moving from popcorn bowl to face hole and my legs are kicking kids off my couch that don’t deserve to be in my presense.

This is not what I see. I see actual pictures.

You outdoorspeople think you are getting all kinds of fresh air. Nope, not really. You are just pushing all your carbon dioxide to trees and stealing all their oxygen. And your air is constantly changing. First there is the cold, then there is the colder. You’ve got the hail that is trying to pelt you, snow that is trying freeze you, and rain that is trying to drown you.

I, on the other hand, am here inside the house, breathing in the truly fresh air of conditioning. Cool, doesn’t change temperature, doesn’t try to pelt me, freeze me, or drown me. And if it does get even a little too cold I just turn my switch a notch, and it regulates to me. Got any switches out there in nature? Doubt it.

All you outdoorspeople are doing is staring at some sun, or trees or nature. Those things are easy to process. You aren’t chasing some lines with your brain, you are just staring at a weird, easily processed by the brain babbling brooke or not even high def sun.

I guess you could call me the police person of the pixel world, cause I’m out here chasing down lines, locking them in my highly sophisticated brain, and yelling at them, “WHO DO YOU WORK FOR! WHERE ARE THEY!” like Batman at the Joker.

Worst of all, you are out there hiking, and biking and getting rid of all your endorphins. Releasing them out into the cold, cruel world. I keep my endodorphins inside me. Warm, happy and thriving. I don’t want them to have to go outside. I want to teach them the ways of the inside.

Go outside at your own risk, hippies.

ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Pick  Up Lines Ben