For those of you who don’t know anything about me, I grew up in South Dakota. If you’ve never heard of it, it is South of North Dakota, which is different than North Carolina. It is located in the middle of the country and has less people in the whole state than most minor cities. It has lots of open space, so if you ever feel like you live in an overcrowded place, then feel free to go there. About 99% of the state is populated with nothing but hay, corn, and corniness (this is why I am the way I am). If you need a wide open space, I’ve got one for sale.
Point being is that I’m similar to Batman…in comparison to Bane. I wasn’t born in the cold, but I was adopted into it. Another point being, just because I was born in it, doesn’t mean I have to like it.
So it has been cold lately. Not as cold as South Dakota, but as an adopted member of the C.O.L.D.(Coalition of Lame Dudes), it feels just like it. In fact, it has been so cold out, that I even got cold. And if you ask my family, that means a lot.
Because it has been so cold many things have stopped working.
It has been so cold, even the snow has stopped working. They knocked on my door the other day and asked if they could come inside.
It has been so cold, the Coca-Cola Polar bears asked if they could hang out in our hot tub because it was warmer even Polar Bears Things like Now, as a cold.
It has been so cold that the Nike Swoosh laid on it’s side and said, “Just do it….Later.”
It’s been so cold that the Russian’s from Siberia said, “Can we just do the Warm War with you?” This is getting a little ridiculous.
It’s been so cold that Wendy’s Frosty was chilling by the fire.
It’s been so cold out that the ice gave up and the other day just so it could warm up to get thawed enough to become cold.
It’s been so cold out that Frosty the Snowman was bundled up with a beanie, some arctic gloves and took off his eyes, just so he could burn the coal to warm up.
It’s been so cold Santa Clause went back to the North Pole just to get warm.
It’s been so cold that even the putting the sun on the pole outside will not get my tongue on unstuck from my triple dog dare.
Let’s just say I’ve had to bundle up and that is something I prefer not to do. The hat messes my three strands of hair up, the gloves prevent me from playing time wasting games on my phones and the winter coat makes me look like Aunt Marge after she messed with Harry Potter.
I don’t like it. The only clothes I should ever have to wear is shorts and the only shoes i should ever have to wear are sandals. And the only glasses I should ever have to wear are sun. I need to have a talk with the person that invented cold. And we will have a bitter-cold battle to the end.
ARRRGGGHHHHH
Bitterly Cold Ben
Are you being held for ransom? Chained in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere, apparently everywhere there? Can I send you a map? There is warmth outside of the snow globe. Just give me your address and I’ll send you a crowbar and some explosives. Ice, you say? Isn’t that the stuff I put in my tea here….in the sunny South? 😉
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Oh my gosh the warmth. Please send some our way. This cold is ridiculous. Yes, I am being held for ransom, by this freezing weather. I am imprisoned inside this house.
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‘Nike Swoosh laid on it’s side and said, “Just do it….Later.”’ I laughed and nearly snorted water out my nose. But that laugh was interrupted by the bitter feeling that there are many things I want to do…later, only I have to do it…right now. And more bitterness that I’m having water and not coffee. But thanks for the bitter laugh.
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It’s kind of ironic, Nike being lazy. If only we all really knew…I know, it kind of sucks having things to do all the time. Good thing I just ignore them and take naps anyways.
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Not cold enough to freeze up the humour (sorry, humor) though! And – silver lining alert ! – at least it’ll kill the bugs!
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Yeah, bugs are kind of the worst. They need to just stay frozen.
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I swear (I know, I know) Ben, you don’t hardly ever get anything right nohow. It suns in Seattle – for four hours every midsummer’s day.
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How could I have been so off? And I suppose it never snows in South Dakota either?
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You do know Isotoner (and probably others by now) have smart-phone-friendly gloves?? I was angry the other day, as it got down to about 40 here and I couldn’t find mine.
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Yeah, I got some of those at Costco and while they do let you use the phone, they aren’t very warm. They wind goes right through them.
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I lived in Hot Springs, Rapid City and Sioux Falls. Never want to experience a SD cold again. It is a good place to be from.
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I also lived in Sioux Falls. It was always so cold there. At least in Hot Springs you had that water park to look forward to. In Sioux Falls all we had were the frozen falls.
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Wait a second Ben…how cold IS it??
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So cold that it is like really cold outside, or something.
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Oh…
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It’s so cold, even your jokes have been a little stiff. But I did like the one about Frosty burning his eyes for the coal heat.
I’ve lived in snow country myself. Now I live in Southern California. ‘Nuff said. Take care and bundle up. I don’t want you to freeze your bitter arse off.
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Yep, they were a little stiff. I think my brain was so frozen that the only thing that was functioning was my bitterness.
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I wondered why you were odd and bitter – South Dakota explains it all…😈 I have a friend from North Dakota and I love they way she peppers conversations with F**K! It raises eyebrows down here in the deep south. Come visit the sub-tropics, y’all. 🌴
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Yeah, South Dakota was the worst. It definitely engrained bitterness deep within my icy, dark heart, mainly because it was icy and dark out a lot.
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You are a dark, bitter hoot!! Are there some Scandinavian genes that add to the angst/despair/bitterness??? 😆
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I think my ancestry is Scottish and Englandish. I know those Scotts can be quite bitterish.
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Scots can be bitterish. The Englandish have screwed them over for centuries. Damn ‘Mericans and Englandish took all their oil. Icelanders warred over the bloody fish in the Atlantic. What’s not to be bitter about?? (I am 60% Irish, though, all potatoes and sunshine). ☀
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Look at you being all sunshiney. It must be so hard to be always on like that. Me on the other hand, always off and bitter.
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I take significant amounts of medication…happy, happy, happy!!!
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Ahh, the medication. I don’t need any to make myself more bitter.
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Bitter Ben- you should live where I do. VA forgot about winter & is putting up temps in the 40’s & 50’s. The Dakotas are great if you are hiding from law enforcement because no one will look for you. It is too damn cold. Look, I went to college south of Detroit where winter snow made me long for the sweet release that death would bring. Conversely, I have lived in AZ & NM which I believe is directly on the sun. Is there a happy medium? ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
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I guess there is a happy medium called LA, but no one wants to be neighbors with all the Kardashians and the rest of the dunderheads that do movies and TV shows there.
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No. I am thinking of the Pacific Northwest like Seattle or Portlandia.
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I was in Seattle. That was no happy medium. It was always raining. Constantly. And always 45-55 and cloudy. There is no joy in that.
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UGH!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t move to LA!!!!!!! Again.
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I know, right? I moved away when I was 6 and I never want to go back again! Unless I get invited to go to Magic Mountain.
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I am certain it would become Bitter Mountain.
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That would be the ride in my amusement park. I’m sure it would an underwhelming failure.
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The key is underwhelming. That word doesn’t get used enough!
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It because people don’t know about me. If they did, they would get underwhelming all the time.
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It’s 83 degrees here today.
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Uh, no, it’s 83 degrees bitter there today. How dare it be warm where you are and not here.
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I wanted you to know so the bitterness could get a good grip on you 🙂
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Oh you better believe there is some bitterness that is gripping me like the bitter cold.
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Good, I feel better and bitter.
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I’m glad you feel bitter, but I’m bitter you feel better.
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your bitterness calls for riotous merry making
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No way, I’m not down for riotous merry making.
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Then you can watch me being merry, how bitter will that be?!
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So bitter. I can’t watch people being merry. It hurts my face too much.
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😠 me too.
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Your post makes me feel all frozen inside. (Sorry for the cold reply)
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I guess Elsa would have felt right at home with her bitter cold heart.
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But she thaws in the end, no? I hope I have a few years left before any of my nieces or nephew gets obsessed with that lame film
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Yeah, it was so lame. I don’t know why people were so obsessed. Tangled was so much better.
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Yes, I agree. And the Lion King, Aladdin, the Little Mermaid. But above all: Beauty and the Beast. Even if the Beast has no name (prince who?), everything about that movie is great.
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I bet you can’t wait to see the live action one with Emma Watson then. I was a fan of all those, but I have to say that Tangled got me more than any of them. Plus, I loved Flynn Rider, both his character and the guy who plays his voice.
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I’ve seen B&tB live! In Dutch, but (massive sorry here – ok not really) the film is actually better in Dutch. Well, obviously not the film, but the voices are. I loved the musical as well 🙂 I did feel robbed out of singing along as they re-translated everything *sigh*
Flynn was a cool Disney ‘prince’, I liked his level of social delinquency 🙂
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I also like that Flynn was such a bitter guy, until he met Repunzel. B&tB must have been really cool live. My daughter is actually in a group that does singing and dancing and they are doing Beauty and the Beast. Though it is kind of a mash up of a lot of other plays. I can’t wait to see it!
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Poor Frosty the Snowman! It must really be insanely cold if he was willing to sacrifice sight for warmth. 😛
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You better believe it was that cold. Or at least for a dude that is used to it not being cold all the time.
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