It is Snow Cold

Come for the bitterness, stay because you can't leave.

Come for the bitterness, stay because you can’t leave.

For those of you who don’t know anything about me, I grew up in South Dakota. If you’ve never heard of it, it is South of North Dakota, which is different than North Carolina. It is located in the middle of the country and has less people in the whole state than most minor cities. It has lots of open space, so if you ever feel like you live in an overcrowded place, then feel free to go there. About 99% of the state is populated with nothing but hay, corn, and corniness (this is why I am the way I am). If you need a wide open space, I’ve got one for sale.

Point being is that I’m similar to Batman…in comparison to Bane. I wasn’t born in the cold, but I was adopted into it. Another point being, just because I was born in it, doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Nope it's me.

Nope it’s me.

So it has been cold lately. Not as cold as South Dakota, but as an adopted member of the C.O.L.D.(Coalition of Lame Dudes), it feels just like it. In fact, it has been so cold out, that I even got cold. And if you ask my family, that means a lot.

Because it has been so cold many things have stopped working.

It has been so cold, even the snow has stopped working. They knocked on my door the other day and asked if they could come inside.

It has been so cold, the Coca-Cola Polar bears asked if they could hang out in our hot tub because it was warmer even Polar Bears Things like Now, as a cold.

I'm with you Homer.

I’m with you Homer.

It has been so cold that the Nike Swoosh laid on it’s side and said, “Just do it….Later.”

It’s been so cold that the Russian’s from Siberia said, “Can we just do the Warm War with you?” This is getting a little ridiculous.

It’s been so cold that Wendy’s Frosty was chilling by the fire.

It’s been so cold out that the ice gave up and the other day just so it could warm up to get thawed enough to become cold.

It’s been so cold out that Frosty the Snowman was bundled up with a beanie, some arctic gloves and took off his eyes, just so he could burn the coal to warm up.

It’s been so cold Santa Clause went back to the North Pole just to get warm.

It’s been so cold that even the putting the sun on the pole outside will not get my tongue on unstuck from my triple dog dare.

Let’s just say I’ve had to bundle up and that is something I prefer not to do. The hat messes my three strands of hair up, the gloves prevent me from playing time wasting games on my phones and the winter coat makes me look like Aunt Marge after she messed with Harry Potter.

I don’t like it. The only clothes I should ever have to wear is shorts and the only shoes i should ever have to wear are sandals. And the only glasses I should ever have to wear are sun. I need to have a talk with the person that invented cold. And we will have a bitter-cold battle to the end.

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitterly Cold Ben

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56 thoughts on “It is Snow Cold

  1. Are you being held for ransom? Chained in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere, apparently everywhere there? Can I send you a map? There is warmth outside of the snow globe. Just give me your address and I’ll send you a crowbar and some explosives. Ice, you say? Isn’t that the stuff I put in my tea here….in the sunny South? πŸ˜‰

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  2. ‘Nike Swoosh laid on it’s side and said, β€œJust do it….Later.”’ I laughed and nearly snorted water out my nose. But that laugh was interrupted by the bitter feeling that there are many things I want to do…later, only I have to do it…right now. And more bitterness that I’m having water and not coffee. But thanks for the bitter laugh.

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  3. It’s so cold, even your jokes have been a little stiff. But I did like the one about Frosty burning his eyes for the coal heat.

    I’ve lived in snow country myself. Now I live in Southern California. ‘Nuff said. Take care and bundle up. I don’t want you to freeze your bitter arse off.

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  4. I wondered why you were odd and bitter – South Dakota explains it all…😈 I have a friend from North Dakota and I love they way she peppers conversations with F**K! It raises eyebrows down here in the deep south. Come visit the sub-tropics, y’all. 🌴

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  5. Bitter Ben- you should live where I do. VA forgot about winter & is putting up temps in the 40’s & 50’s. The Dakotas are great if you are hiding from law enforcement because no one will look for you. It is too damn cold. Look, I went to college south of Detroit where winter snow made me long for the sweet release that death would bring. Conversely, I have lived in AZ & NM which I believe is directly on the sun. Is there a happy medium? ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

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