Thanks to the classic Office prank that Jim played on Dwight, we know that the algebraic equation Bears >Bitterstar Galactica is true. Not that I know anything about Batterstar Galactica, or math but I do know that bears rule.
You might think that bears are kind of scary, and you might be right, about the Chicago Bears. I mean, ever since the Super Bowl winning 1985 Bears and the Super Bowl Shuffle, they have been pretty bad. And the Super Bowl Shuffle was even worse. The embarrassing dance was performed by football players that with few exceptions cannot dance and certainly can’t sing. For those of you who are too young to know what the Super Bowl shuffle was we have YouTube to thank for the footage of this terrible dance. The only thing that might be more awkward might be me doing the dab. At least according to my daughter.
Back to the real awesome life of bears. How awesome is a bear’s life you ask? Well, let me count the ways.
Life as a hermit – Thanks to bears ability to scare just about every creature on the planet, as well as the ability to live in cold climates because of their excessive fur, they are always able to live alone. Imagine this life. No one is nagging you to get a job. No trying to squeeze into a train. No taking copious notes that you will never use on a test. No waiting in lines for everything from going to a concert to getting food to selling books back.
Free Food – Say goodbye to ever having to pay for food. Anytime you want something to eat, just reach down and grab some berries. Not enough for your hungry tummy? How about stopping by the local camping ground. Find the nearest tent and eat some nice human food that some unsuspecting campers left out for you. The people didn’t leave any for you? Well, humans are pretty tasty for bears and they come wrapped up in a sleeping bag and tent flavored bun. And if that isn’t enough, just bully that tool Yogi Bear. He’s always stealing picnic baskets that you can then steal from him.
Long naps – I love naps. Long naps. Two or three times a year, I might get a good 2- 4 hour nap. And believe me, when I retire (if I’m still alive when that happens) I will be taking naps as many times per day as is allowed by the law. And I might be lazy, but there is no one that compete with bears on naps. They don’t just take the afternoon off, they take the whole winter. Let’s face it, winter sucks. Except when you are a bear. You just get to skip it. So unfair. I want to be a bear.
Scare the crap out of people – No need to wait until Halloween or April Fool’s Day to do your scaring. Anytime you want to scare the crap out of a person or animal just walk up to them and stretch, making your loud yawn. They will run, scream, cry or cower in fear. It’s pretty much the best prank you can play on anyone.
No one cares if you are fat – No having to workout, eat healthy, take the stairs, or even go on those stupid fun runs. No one makes fun of your physique. No one thinks that sweater makes you face look fat, or your pants look a little too small. You can wear whatever you want, eat whatever you want and no one will dare make fun of you.
Endorsement potential – Despite being real bears to deal with as clients, advertisers are lining up to use them as spokesbears. All the biggest names are using them already as logos, and even pitchbears. Big names can’t get enough of them. Coca Cola, Klondike Bars, Charmin toilet paper, even Hostess products. Despite their image of being absolutely terrifying, people keep believing them to be utterly adorable. Boy, are they in for a surprise.
I could go on and on, but I have other things to do. Like take a nap for the winter. Just remember, Bears Beets Battlestar Galactica. And everything else.
Bitter Bearface Ben