Yes, it’s me. Your least favorite blogger.
Wanna know why I’m your least favorite blogger? Because I’m around. ALLLL the time. I’m clogging up valuable space on the internet that you could be using for trees, or pictures of your kids, or YouTube. All day on YouTube and the video would move so much faster, if it wasn’t for this guy that has been writing posts and posting gifs for almost 3 years. With almost 6000 followers (I don’t count Facebook and Twitter because I know those people), their readers and emails are being flooded with a new post about every other day. And if last year(2014 for those of you who are just joining us via time machine) was any indication, according to WordPress, I posted on every single Friday, except the day after Christmas (I’m so not sorry about it either). Point being (do I ever have one?) that I am scarily consistent with some things.
In my bitter career, I’ve learned almost nothing, except for this. Bitterness builds a strong fortress around you. It keeps away those sunny dispositioners. It keeps away those curiositers, and the ne’er do wells, and the try to pass their work to me’s. It keeps the gossipers, the wanna be comedians, and the only wanna talk about the weather’ers away from me. Most of all, it keeps the sick people away from me. This has provided a strong, deep down protection not only from having to be social, but protection to my immunity system. If you ever did meet one of my co-workers, they could spend a month telling you of the misery associated with having to work near me, but universally they would tell you one thing. “That dude never gets sick. Well, he might be sick in many ways, including a cold, or a flu or nausea, but he will never call in sick.” That may be an opinion, but it is also an indisputable fact as well. In the 13 years I’ve worked for the place I do, I’ve called in sick twice, and one time I showed up and left early only because I was puking when I got there. When I told my boss I had to leave, she thought I was joking and told me to get back to work. That is a fact.
This is my Bittermunity.
Many people would look at that fact and tell me it’s a positive trait that I’m never sick. They might tell me that I should thank the lucky stars that I have such Bittermunity. They may think that I am Superman disguised as a lowly bitter person in this office only so I can go fight crime during the day. That the only reason I was puking that one time was because someone wore a Kryptonite necklace that day. They may think that it must be a joy to never be sick. But you know what? It is the opposite of what you are thinking. Never being sick is a curse.
Did you see the twisted crying wolf situation above? Never being sick has almost the same bad effect as someone who calls in sick ALL. THE. TIME. My boss didn’t believe that I was sick, because I had so few times called in sick. They are more apt to believe that constant crying wolf in our office is sick than me. That is how much this thing has backfired on me.
How about the sick hours? Guess how many I have built up in 13 years? Over 600 hours, or in terms of days I could call in sick, in a row without losing all my hours, 75 days. If you factor in that I don’t work weekends, that is 15 weeks. That means I could be sick for almost 4 months, without penalty. Except I would have to come up with a lot of “dog ate my homework” scenarios that I’m not very good at inventing. And I’m sure a doctor would have to write me quite a note for me missing that much time for a “cold”.
And guess what happens when it snows around here? “Hey, let’s make that guy that grew up in South Dakota where it snowed everyday of the summer come in. We can all ‘pretend’ we are working from home by logging in and telling him all the things we can’t do from home (which is everything) so we can pretend we are helping, when all we are doing is watching TV and playing Sudoku.” Then when mistakes pop up in the next few weeks, we can blame that guy, because he didn’t handle all 250 calls and 100 orders that day. Oh, and we’ll make sure he works Christmas Eve late so we can go home early, because you know, he’s dependable.
Sometimes, I wish my Bittermunity would spread so everyone else would have the misery of always being able to go to work everyday. I wish I was born with hayfever or an ability to spin a good tale of why I was sick all the time. Then, I could always have an excuse to be sick like everyone else.
ARRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Munity Ben