First of all, I want to say to all those out there that are not working this week, because your jobs are awesome and they let you have this week off, or you are a teacher and they “make” you stay home for two weeks, or you are just going to “call in sick” for two weeks, I am bitter about you. To all those that have to work, because your co-workers are bums and keep stealing all the good vacation, I can relate, and I’m bitter for you. To all those who have to work Christmas Eve and Day and have to work New Year’s Eve and Day, I’m also bitter for you too. Unluckily for us, there is something that will make us even more bitter. The Christmas music that will continue to play while we sit here bitterly wishing we will at home not listening to it. Here are a few examples of music this time of year that I’m bitter about.
This one is pretty obvious and has had some backlash for a couple of years. Baby It’s Cold Outside.
I really can’t stay
But, Baby it’s Cold Outside
Can you see how this offends me? Why would I ever want to stay at a party any longer than I have to. I mean how rude is it to ask someone like me to stay at a party and be bitter, when I could be at home in my jammies, and playing video games and being bitter? I mean, you should be lucky that I even decided to attend this attrocity of a party. Okay, maybe I was threatened that if I didn’t come that I wouldn’t get the new tablet I requested, but I came. I was bitter and ruined your party, brought a really bad gift and grumbled at how bad the food was, but I came. I wore your lampshade on my head not because I was getting reckless, but because I really just wanted to be a lampshade so people would stop talking to me, but I stayed. Now, you are telling me because it’s a little cold outside, I would want to stay in your house? Have you seen how cold it is in your house? I mean, you kept the heat so low that only wearing a parka was keeping me warm at all. So no. I will not stay. Back off.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus –
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Kiiiiind of wrong on so many levels. First, Mommy shouldn’t be out at the Christmas tree trying to peek on the presents. If she stays up too late waiting for Santa, she should lose some presents. Second, that kid should be in all kinds of trouble too. What the heck is he doing out of bed, in what he describes as “creeping” on her mom and Santa. I don’t know if you know this kid, but when you get older, creeping can get you in all kind of trouble. Not that I would know.
Santa Clause is Coming to Town –
He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake
Speaking of creepers, Santa. First you’re kissing my mom, now you know exactly when we are sleeping, and when we are awake. And how could you possibly know when or if I have been bad or good? It’s not like I have a blog or Facebook or Twitter or Instagram or any other type of social media on a public thing like the internet that you could instantly look up and see how I’ve been this year. I don’t recall ever getting a “friend request” from you. So really you are just judging me on a few public pictures and public postings? Or from my 170 or so posts this year on the blog? Kind of only a little to go on, sir.
Jingle Bells –
Jingle Bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg, Batmobile lost its wheel
And Joker got away
First of all, yes, Batman probably does smell. He does fight crime for a living and he is wearing a really heavy costume. Lots of times there is fire around and that can really make you sweat. I assume he smells after a long knight just like the rest of us. But Robin laying an egg? Yeah, I guess he does kind of write some terrible posts and does kind of lay eggs when it comes to fighting crime. And Joker getting away? Like that is a surprise. He gets away every time.
We Wish You a Merry Christmas –
About Figgy Pudding:
And we won’t go until we’ve got some
We won’t go until we’ve got some
We won’t go until we’ve got some
So bring some out here
First of all, figgy pudding? I don’t even know what that is. Second, I don’t know how to make it. Third, why are you singing carols at my house, at the request of not me, and then you are asking me for some food? I’m sorry but get off my property! Oh you won’t go until you get some? I think you will go. I’ve got a really sharp ninja sword in my basement that says you will leave without some figgy pudding. But I do know where you can get some. Yes, my neighbors at the end of the block. You know, the ones with annoying kids and the dog that has rabbies and bites? Yeah, they make a mean figgy pudding. Don’t go until you get some.
As for all those people staying home this week sick, I sure hope you don’t get the flu or something. Cause that would be terrible. At least you will have all kinds of music to keep you company. I hear Mariah Carey does a really mean (and by mean I mean terribly off key lighting of the Christmas Tree live) All I want for Christmas you can listen to on repeat.
Bitter Christmas Music Ben