You know it’s your favorite time of the year. Not the shopping, or the crowds or hullabalu. Not the television specials, or cheesy ads, or the egg nog. Not the parties, at least the party part. The party where you get to exchange White Elephant Gifts. The excuse you have to wrap up some garbage in your house that you have been dying to get rid of and pawn it off on some unsuspecting victim of gift abuse. If it were a real gift exchange you would have to actually learn something about the person, spend some actual time, and some actual money to come up with a gift that they would really not appreciate, but that is real time and money taken away from Video Games and lounging on the couch. But the sheer and utter horror on the face of your victim when you see them open your gift is priceless. You know that no matter how hard they try to make your gift look attractive it is going home with them. And the only way they are getting rid of it is to re-elephant it to someone else. Speaking of White Elephant gifts, I am doing a White Elephant Post. One that didn’t take any time, or money or imagination or any care in the world about the victims that are now going to recieve it. I present you, a post from last year. Now I’m going to leave this right here for you, while I go look at some way more talented posts on WordPress.
The Bitter Ben Holiday Variety Hour and a Half Special
Remember gathering around the Tube of many colors as a family when you were a kid? Remember those old Holiday Special Variety Shows that celebrities did on television where they would decorate a tree or have a snowball fight(I especially enjoyed when the snowball fight went just a little too far) or sat around opening presents? All so they had the excuse to sing Holiday Carols and pretend like they were having fun together? They were popular in like the 60’s, 70’s or 80’s. Usually they revolved around A list celebrities like Donny & Marie or Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey. The best part about them is that they brought those couples closer together.
Though Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were having problems at the time they did their Holiday special, afterwards they were all tickle fights and kitten whispers (not sure what that is really). In fact, they are still in wedded bliss as we speak. Sorry, my producer is interupting me. What did you say? Of course they are still together! You’ve seen their show on MTV right? She might be a little air headed and he might like hanging with his boys too much, but they are still together. Watch their reality show on MTV! At the end of every show they always talk about how much they still love each other. What? Their show is cancelled? 7 years ago? Oh! Ummm, well at least MTV still shows music videos most of the day. I can’t imagine what they channel would be like if all they did was reality shows all day and ditched the Music Videos all together.
So maybe Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson aren’t a couple anymore. At least Donnie & Marie are still married right? Those specials were really good for them too. Even though Marie was a little country and Donnie was a rock n roll guy like KISS and Guns n Roses, they always seemed to come together in their marriage. Nothing could keep them apart. Dang it producer! I’m trying to write a blog here! What is it? What do you mean they aren’t married anymore? Seriously? Well what did they fight about? Ooohh, oh really…So what you are saying is that they are brother and sister? Righhht. Uh huh. Oh well, I could…never mind. At least they still have their Donnie and Marie talk show. There’s always that.
Okay, well since those shows were so successful, I’ve decided to bring back the genre. But Bitter Ben style. The Escape Goat will be there in case we need to blame someone.
So, treat this like my promo, because I don’t have enough money to pay for commercials on TV, or radio, or newspapers (remember those?) or even Facebook.
Pretend my writing is a bitter deep voiced, VOG(Voice Over Guy) that is getting you bitterly excited to watch a special variety show.
“With all the happiness, joy and peace going on in the world, who has time to be truly bitter about things? You may not have more than an hour and a half to sit down with your family and friends, but I promise, if you do, this show will make you instantly regret that you did. Join us as we celebrate all the bitterness of the holidays in Bitter Ben’s Christmas Variety Special. Imagine a world where coal is in every
stalking stocking. Imagine a world where you didn’t get every present that you wanted. Imagine the streets filled with snow that causes multiple flight delays, traffic accidents and missed get togethers. If you want to feel that pain again and again, the Bitter Entertainment Network (B.E.N.) presents: The Bitter Ben’s Christmas Variety Special Hour and a Half!”
“Jennifer Lopez will be there talking in a little kitten voice and showcasing her lack of talent as not only a bad actor, but as a bad singer and dancer. Who knew you could make so much money being a triple threat of three bad things? She will talk about she is just a down to earth girl who is just Jenny from the Block as she cruises by in her limo.”
“Julia Roberts will be here horsing around, talking about how funny she wasn’t in Pretty Woman and how she is yet to make a good movie for which she so handsomely gets paid. See her overact, laugh like a heina, and talk too much about her kids, her husband and how little people care that her name is really Julia Moder.”
“Charlie Brown will be here to attempt a field goal with Lucy as his holder. Watch as he attempts over and over to kick it, reassured that Lucy will not move the football only to moved out of the way once more. Watch as his last attempt misses yet again, but this time he “accidently” kicks Lucy.”
“Kristen Stewart will be here. She will attempt a stunt so horrifying, so terrifying, so crazy, out of control and over the top, that you may not recognize her at all. She will attempt to show emotion. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, but she fails.”
“Gwenyth Paltrow will be here to show us how to drive a Vespa. She will attempt to pick up her kids at school and almost hit by a school bus, who clearly is at fault because it was driving in a “School Zone”.
“The Kardashians will be by to talk in their nasally, dim witted voices about the talents that got them wealthy and famous. Stuff like, um, uh what do they do again? You know they like, uh, and then they, ooh mmm not sure.”
“Scrouge and the Grinch will doing a duo about their bitterness towards Christmas. These guys are what a bitter Christmas is all about. Not learning lessons and their Scrouginess and Grinchiness at the end of their stories are what Christmas is all about.”
“So when your dysfunctional family stops by and you just can’t stop arguing about things, tune into the Bitter Entertainment Network and watch The Bitter Ben Holiday Variety Hour and a Half and I promise this will just stoke the fires of your bitter family gathering.”
Bitter MC Ben
- In case you missed it…You were out in the cold (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- If you missed it…you were probably in a tryptophan coma (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Tum’s Bitterly Favorite Day (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)