Hey Bitter Stalkers! I’ve got a really bitter true story to tell you. When I graduated from high school (don’t laugh, bitter people graduate too. Cause teachers want them gone, duh!) I got a senior trip because my parents didn’t want to get me a car. So I decided to go to Cincinnati, because I’m pretty randumb. Or it could be because I was a Reds Fan (because of Eric Davis. Yep Randumb again). Also there was an amusement park called King’s Island and it had like 8 awesome roller coasters. Since everyone in my family hated roller coasters, it was the perfect place for me to do I wanted to do, while torturing my family at the same time. Anyways, I was riding one of those rides that “claim” that you may get a little wet, but then you really end up in a Category 5 hurricane. After the ride, I checked my back pocket for my wallet, where I used to put it, and realized it was in the eye of the hurricane. Either that or somebody just stole out of my back pocket.
This, however, was a minor loss compared to my future visits to an amusement park run by a mouse. Yes, there is an AMUSEMENT PARK run by A MOUSE. And no one seems to be horrified by it. WHY?
Um…
I spent a whole week of vacation in Orlando, Florida a couple of years ago and somehow survived, but not without adding a full 12 gallons of bitterness to my bitter tank. Back in 2012, I put my safety and sanity on the line to visit 6 amusement park in 7 days (4 Disney and 2 Universal Studios) so I could expose the bitter side of the so-called “Happiest Place on Earth”. See below for the 1st part of the madness.
The bitterest place on earth – The Magic Kingdom Edition – Part 1
Neo’s journey in the Matrix was similar to my journey in Magic Kingdom, except that he learned something, and I just got more bitter.
Homer had his Odessy, Neo had his Matrix, Marty McFly had his Back to the Future adventure, I have had had my Disney excursion. Each of them learned something. I don’t know what Homer learned because that was a long time ago and I forgot. Neo learned that the only way to change the Matrix was to sacrfice himself in order to balance the equation. Marty McFly learned that if someone called him yellow, he didn’t have to be stupid and prove that he wasn’t. I however, as a bitter person, didn’t learn anything. I only became more bitter.
My trip to Florida was probably a once in a decade type of thing and hopefully longer than that. Since we visited 6 different parks in 7 days, including two Universal Parks, I have decided to break up my bitter blogs into 6, one for each day and park we visited. Just know that just like you, I might tire and become bored of this format and move onto something else and never come back to it, but that is to my discretion as I am the author of this thing. So without anymore boring exposition, I present to you, the Magic Kingdom.
Magic Kingdom is one of four Disney Parks, or as I like to call it Disneyland. It is almost the same exact thing as Disneyland, minus some attractions and the California Adventure part. It has the huge castle thing you see in all the introductions of the Disney Movies and no Tinkerbell. That’s right, she is just a CG thing. She doesn’t exist.
As one who is lazy, I also have lazy feet. As an ongoing thing throughout this Bitter Orlando Trip, my feet started protesting. We drove our car to the parking lot, which lead me to a tram, which drove me to a train, which brought me to the entrance where I could finally enter. While I enjoyed these rides to the park, they then left us on our own. To walk. What is that all about? I had this awkward moment like when we had our first baby and the nurse handed it to me and I was like, what am I supposed to do now? I was told by others to walk and at that moment my feet started protesting. They were mad at me because they were used to being propped up on the lazy boy. Why were they being forced to work on this “vacation”? They would be much sadder later.
This park more than perhaps any of the others, was run on happiness. It could sense my bitterness right away, because as soon as I stepped onto the most famous of happy rides, the “It’s a small world after all” ride (I can’t remember what it is called because they don’t repeat the words for it very much…) broke down in the middle. But the singing never stopped. From Japan, to Mongolia, to Dutch to French to Hawaii, they all kept saying something about our world being small. We all know that isn’t true. I have walked just the Disney Parks, and just that knowledge let’s me know that this world isn’t small. Also why are all these rides in English? Don’t the other countries in the small world speak other languages? All I know is that if I were a ride operator at this ride, I would somehow make the music disappear accidentally permanently.
There is a restaurant in there. I think it is called Mickey Mouse Cheese.
I am a big believer in marketing and all sources of way to advertise something. See my Bittertising post if you couldn’t remember. But the castle in the middle of Magic Kingdom takes the cake on awesome attempts on cashing in. They have a store inside along with a restaurant. Nothing speaks to me about a castle like a restaurant. They should have taken it one step further and put a Chucky Cheese in there. Or a Mickey Mouse Cheese.
This is the result of riding a scary Pirates of the Caribbean ride. A $20 plastic gun.
Speaking of marketing, they are really good about putting a store right at the end of a ride. There is nothing more awesome than waiting in line for 45 minutes, riding a ride with your son who is totally scared of the Pirates of the Caribbean because of the dark and the loud noises and the guns, but then at the end having to buy him said gun in cheap plastic form. Your welcome for the $20 for the gun that will sit in our toy graveyard, Disney.
Speaking of long lines, Disney designed this park to be small enough for you to be able to finish it in several hours. But in order to extend your joy they give you lines so you can stay longer and not experience as much. That way you will want to come back tomorrow for more torture. But knowing that you have another bitter park to visit tomorrow they make you want to stay and enjoy “just one more line” before you leave. And make sure you stay for their delightfully tasting, low costing food. That is what the Happiest Place on earth is all about!
This is Sonny Eclipse, the bad pun telling, Dinosaur from outer space who is mocking you while you try to find a spot in the cafeteria, high school style.
And don’t forget the delightfully funny Dinosaur that tells galactic space puns, while you are trying to find a spot in the cafeteria like a high school student at a new school, trying to find a popular table. Nothing like making you feel like you are being tortured in high school all over again!
I am thankful to you, Magic Kingdom, for the bitterest of experiences where I can finally leave just before the parade that starts at 9:00 pm and hunt for a souvenir while millions of people get in my way. And I can get a glance of the gorgeous lights on the castle that has the Mickey Mouse cheese restaurant. At least my feet will only have to walk just a little more to get me to the boat, that takes me to the tram, that takes me to my car. It won’t have to do this again … for another 8 hours! Can’t wait for Animal Kingdom…
Arrggghhhh
Bitter Ben