A couple of days ago, I was watching the Bachelor’s Paradise. These are people that have been on the Bachelor and “didn’t win” in their particular cycle as if not getting engaged to the one girl or boy amongst all the contestants is losing. What we all know is that in the end is that they all lose. None of them actually get married, or become normal in the end. They all become deceitful, bitter backstabbers. In this even shorter version of the Bachelor, this show of Bachelor “losers” get together and “try to find true love” in a paradise situation that is lets face it, unrealistic. While that is enough to lead you to never want to watch this show ever, there is the painful, awkward and cringeworthy break ups. That in itself makes you not want to look away. Here is a list of 10 things that I need to have a bitter break up with.
1. Acne. I’ve been together with acne since I was in seventh grade, when the picture of my face went from smooth as the Cloud Gate in Millennium Park to the constellations of Orion’s belt. It’s been an abusive relationship. One in which I used to try to tell it to go back to its home beneath the surface and it always popping up at just the wrong time to embarrass me or cause me pain. Prom, family pictures that will last forever, job interviews…It even likes to cause me pain in other places besides the heart. I’m 41 now, acne. It’s time we parted ways.
2. The News. If I needed to know the news about the rest of the world, I would just ask my annoying co-worker or go on twitter. Besides, the news delivers only one side of the story. Bad news. Where is all the bitter news? You know how sometimes people give you an option of whether you want to hear the good news or the bad news first? Well, the “news” would just offer to tell you the bad news or the worse news first. And by the way, isn’t news by definition supposed to be new? By the time you tell me, it is olds. Maybe they should call it the “past”.
3. Rain. Rain, rain go away. Don’t come back. I don’t know if you know this rain, but I don’t need you anymore. You have been replaced. The time for your water cycle is over. Clouds are being used for storing data now. You’ve been replaced by bottled water, faucets and refrigerator filter dispensers. And by the way, you haven’t exactly visited Phoenix in the last forever. It’s kind of time you just go back to where you came from.
4. My Right Hip. Or is it my left? Whichever one is shorter and keeps making me limp. If you can’t start growing (or making the other one shrink), I think it is time to break up with you. Pack your bags, I’m sending you on a guilt trip.
5. Phones. You are annoying, you are constantly ringing at me, you are always doing stupid impressions of stupid people that are just not funny, you are always changing your tone with me, and you like to wake me up in the middle of the night. The only problem is how I should break up with you. I don’t know if I should call you, text you, or email you. Either way, I know you won’t get it, because you will pretend like you are in a “bad area”.
6. 2014. It’s only been 8 months that we have spent together, but really, you’ve kind of been a jerk the whole time. You are always “changing” around the end of the month, and it seems like you are just trying to make it to end of December so you can move on.
7. Fire. I thought you were kind of hot at the beginning. Actually really hot. Your red orange glow, the way you just made me melt. But lately, I feel like I’m just getting burned by you, over and over. I think it’s time we just cool things down a little. Because of the flesh being burned and everything.
8. Scissors. At the beginning, you helped me cut through some of my issues(magazine issues) and I thought you were really sharp at the beginning. But lately things have kind of been dull and I don’t see the point. I just can’t handle you anymore. You just aren’t the shear delight you used to be. I’m just going to have to cut you out of my life. Etc. Etc.
9. Pictures. They never seem to stop talking. Every time I turn around, they are saying like a thousand words. They are never honest with me. I see a sunset or a Supermoon in one way, and they see it in a much worse way. It always seems like they are trying to blur things together. They never seem clear about their intentions. If they don’t start developing soon, I’m just going to have to delete them from my past.
10. Air. Sometimes I just feel like their conversations are just full of themselves (hot air). Other times when they are not around, I feel like I can’t breathe. When it is around too much, I seem to hyperventilate. I mean, is it okay if I just use my brown paper bag for lunch every once in a while?
I’m sorry you had to be here to witness all this, but I just couldn’t go on with all these things, knowing how they treat me.
How is that for some awkward, painful, cringe worthy break ups? Anything you feel the need to break up with?
Bitter Break Up Ben