It was around 5:30 pm on Mother’s Day and the kids were getting restless. By restless, I mean they were getting on our nerves. Somehow, the clouds and rain had decided to take the day off. Sunshine was penetrating every window in the house and it was getting stuffy inside. Mom needed to get some peace and quiet. The kids were even getting bored of all of their electronic devices. All the signs were pointing at what to do, except to me. Some people (me) need to be beaten upon the cranium before they will get a clue. For a thick headed Bitterman like me that still didn’t get it, it was suggested that we go outside…on a walk.
Yes, you heard that right. Not sit on the couch, and watch TV. IT WAS GO OUTSIDE AND GO FOR A WALK. All of sudden my head started pounding, my heart started palpitating and my knees starting protesting. Please…we like it here on the couch…we don’t have the strength…we’ve been working overtime with those 300 steps a day you are demanding…please don’t make us support that overgrown pear shape above us any longer…we just can’t take itttt…. And that was just my knees protesting. Can you imagine how many excuses my brain was coming up with that never made it outside my mouth? Well, it was about as many as the amount of dollars that Donald Sterling is losing everytime he opens his senile mouth.
The kids hopped up almost instantly and agreed to take the walk. Thanks, little Benedict Arnolds. All you had to do was protest just a little and I could have piled on faster than you could say bitter battle butter batters. Since there was no protest, I grabbed my least comfortable walking sandals, and my sons tiniest sunglasses, since there was no way I was going to take the 5 extra steps and the .5 ounces extra weight from my keys, to get into my car and get my sunglasses. I took a few painful steps past our driveway, which were a foreign territory to both me and my feet. I took the first step onto the foreign land, and felt the fear that Indiana Jones felt as he took the literal leap on faith in the end temple in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
I immediately proclaimed to my mini Brutus’s that it was too hot and I was too tired and we should go home. I suggested that maybe we go for a drive and sit in that nice comfortable air conditioning, but they wouldn’t have it. As we started walking, strange sounds started invading my ears. There was no music with heavy beats and whiny, entitled millenials screaming that their Wi-Fi wasn’t working. There was no beeps and boops of and electronic game from one of my kids Nintendo 3DS’s. There wasn’t even background noise or the dull glow of people fighting in a well written reality show. Nothing but chirps (I was told they came from birds), a slight whoosh from the air moving around us (my kids called this the wind?) and all the litter from the trees (a nosy neighbor called them leaves). Other than that there was just silence.
After finally kind of getting used to all the intrusive noise from “nature”, we arrived at the school where the kids claimed they learned stuff. I always thought they learned their lack of math skills, reading skills and social abilities from me, but they told me that whenever I leave to go to work, they sneak off and go learn from someone else. I was aghast at this knowledge of my little Cypher’s learning behind my back. They told me that they actually even took breaks from learning and exercised on a regular basis between learning and lunch. They called it recess and it was a place that they jumped, and played and ran around “for fun”. They even actually looked forward to it. After exercising for another 15 minutes on the strange ladders, slides and bars that they swung across, the betrayal was complete.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I complained that my feet hurt, my eyes were getting tired from viewing the bright yellow globe and I needed to get home. I thought about calling home for a ride, but looked down and realized that my pocket was missing my smarter brain (my smarter than me phone) so I couldn’t call. I complained all the way home, but they kids made me continue. When I got home, I collapsed on to my comfort zone (couch, feet up) and could finally breathe.
I was asked how it was. “I couldn’t breathe out there. There was so much fresh air.”
I sure hope the kids never get any more bad ideas like this again. If they do, they can go by themselves.
Bitter Fresh Air Ben
51 thoughts on “Bitterly Fresh Air”
Whew! Thank goodness! I’m so late to the post and the after-comment-party, I was worried it would have been already taken, but so far, no one has stooped low enough to say it:
Your humor was breathtaking.
Since you asked, I enjoyed the entire piece, but these sections in particular stood out for me:
“…please don’t make us support that overgrown pear shape above us any longer…”
“…and my sons tiniest sunglasses, since there was no way I was going to take the 5 extra steps and the .5 ounces extra weight from my keys, to get into my car and get my sunglasses. I took a few painful steps past our driveway, which were a foreign territory…(etc.)”
You are living in the wrong city. You’d fit right in with the majority of L.A. residents who burn a gallon of gas cruising around a parking lot for half an hour to find a space 20 feet closer to the mall entrance.
Nope, not everyone is as clever as you when it comes to the puns. Some people thought it was so bad they almost lost their breath.
Thanks for breaking down the parts that you liked as most people just say, wow nice post. I really liked that picture that you stole from the internet and that I could have found myself. Too bad your writing is so bad. I guess pictures are worth a thousand words and my posts real words aren’t worth much.
Is that happening to you because of all the fresh air? I would suggest that you go inside and get some stale stuffy air in order to feel better.
Unfortunately, I’m going to the park today. ;P
Don’t do it! You will die from breathing in all that pleasant air!
Read my oringial comment.
That seems like way too much work.
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Since I live in a quiet, suburban area that makes me miss the daily 300-steps-of-subway-doom, I tend to crave the uphill walk around the corner from my house once in a while. Picture still living with your twenty-something son who never LEAVES his room longer than it takes to eat, hastily wash his dishes and use the bathroom. Oh, and occasionally shower…
Walking up a hill? Are you crazy? I kinda wish my kids would turn 20 so they could ignore me and despise and not want to make me go on a walk. 🙂
Trust me – soon enough you will take up “the walk” to avoid them… 11-19 is no fun whatsoever. 😉
Well, then I guess I will just have to make them leave until they get past those awkward ages.
BAHAHAHAAAA the horror! THE HORROR!
I tried to refrain from laughing at their “bad idea”……
To make that sort of exercise equipment worse….. I’ll never forget a show I watched that listed different bacteria found there and how much. Audience gasping. So next time you can add that as to why they should never go again. Health reasons! =P
Yeah health reasons. There is so much toxic stuff in the air that I simply cannot go out there.
I think the worst about fresh air is that you always have to share it with so many other people. I’d rather enjoy my stale air–at least then I don’t have to see other people and their pets/children/bicycles/scooters.
I know right? How could someone possibly call it Fresh air when it has clearly been recycled by 7 billion people every day?
Hilarious! You did a great job at capturing attention from that initial clip of the girl jumping on the air mattress–it threw me off 😛
I became tired just reading about your walk. I’m usually an out-doors type of person, but being pregnant has really stifled me in that regard. I’m glad it was you and not me who was forced into the fresh air 😀
I’m sure it was a bittersweet journey! That was a fun read, thanks for chuckle.
I like to use the Simpsons style writing, where you start off talking about one thing then switch subtly to another. I’m glad the gif threw you off.
I know how hard it must be now for you walking around with that child inside you. Just wait until it comes out and how awesome that will be. Though say goodbye to sleep. Though you should have done that a while ago. My youngest is 6 and we are finally starting to get back to where we were before the 9 year old was born.
I’m glad you enjoyed my pain…:)
It was pretty painful. Somehow I survived.
Inside word from my government snitches at the NSA tell me that the U.S. government specifically created the INTERNET back in the 1950s just so you could display your BITTERNESS to the entire world…there ain’t no HALF-STEPPIN in your bitterness that’s 4 sure 😉
Wow, who knew the government would ever waste so much time and money on one thing that was such a waste of time and money…oh wait….
Okay, firstly . . .
You have NO IDEA how hard I laughed at the Doctor Who thing. I mean, bonus all around that you included a picture of Matt Smith in one of your posts. (It was like a treat for me.) But The Silence? XD Made my day. Seriously.
Secondly . . .
Husband and I have a running joke about a comment I made a while back.
“There’s too much air.”
(Talking about fresh air.)
That gets brought up quite often.
So I read that bit near the end and thought, ‘Hm. It’s no wonder we’re best friends.’
(Don’t burst my bubble that we’re not. Just let me think it.)
I don’t have any idea how hard you laughed because I wasn’t there. Bummer.
I knew somewhere in the back of my head that you were a fan of Dr. Who, so I made sure to put that one in there for you.
You are totally right about there being to much air. I mean, if you are too careful you might breathe some of that in and then you might survive. Though who knows what else is in air that is killing us and we don’t know it. I guess we will never know.
No way am I goin to burst your bubble. We are definitely best friends. You don’t even have to think, cause it is true. Who else could relate to the overairing in the uh air and relate to my bitter distaste of other people. (other than you of course.)
You should be glad you weren’t here to hear it. I have the most horrendous laugh in the entire world. I get it from my mom.
I still appreciate the Doctor Who thing. lol
YOU are totally right about the air.
Thanks for not bursting my bubble. I appreciate that.
I’m sure there are some other people who could relate though…
Look, I commented back on this within a day. Aren’t you proud of me?
Now it’s time to get back to work. I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time on Twitter and FB, and I’m wanting to smack myself in the face for that. At least I’m AWAKE now. That’s one way to look at it, I suppose…
Oh you better believe I wish I was there to hear you laugh. I am actually a pretty good study on other people’s laughs. I can usually hear someone’s laugh and imitate it. Besides, as a wanna be comedian, I treasure laughs like other people treasure money.
I bet your laugh is awesome with a tinge of an accent.
I could never burst your bubble.
I’m totally proud of you. I’m the luckiest blogger out there.
Get back to work you workaholic. I’m going to go not work.
LoL, well I suppose my laugh would make great fodder for your imitations.
HAHA AWESOME WITH A TINGE OF ACCENT. Nice.
I’ve actually heard that I’ve lost my accent. (Did I already tell you that?) I’d imagine that’s from editing. I read it all aloud to make sure it sounds right (and read it in whatever accent a character has). I think my husband (who is not from the south) actually has more of an accent than I do at the moment.
Sure, there are a few words that don’t slip away. (Bye, which I say funny.) And when I get angry or talk to my parents, my accent supposedly comes out.
I would have your laugh down as soon as I heard it. You just have to promise to at least fake laugh if I ever do stand up comedy. I’ll need at least one laugher in the audience, especially one that has an accented laugh.
I bet you’ve lost an accent compared to your southern family, but from a guy that doesn’t have an accent, I would probably consider you to have quite an accent. Maybe someday I’ll find out.
Maybe I will need to get you angry so your accent will come out. Will you go all Hulk on me and scream in a an accent? Wow, okay enough about the accent, though I’m sure I could talk about it forever. Constant over talker.
I laugh easily, at least little laughs, so I’m sure I wouldn’t need to fake laugh at your comedy show.
And I really don’t think my laugh is accented . . .
Who knows, though?
Yes, compared to my family, I have none at all. You should hear me imitate them though.
And yes, you should find out.
I was going to suggest that we play BL2 at some point soon (like really do it rather than talk about it), but I played it for a bit yesterday and I think that game got ruined for me.
I would still play it with you when/if you manage to find a time you want to/can.
But I always get a bit (more than) hesitant to voice chat with people that I like. I sound like an idiot.
And I’d prefer you didn’t make me angry. I don’t like being angry. No, I probably wouldn’t scream at you even if I WAS angry. There’s a very small list of people I would actually scream at. I have a very bad temper and try very hard not to let it get away with me, so I typically keep my mouth closed.
YOU are an over talker? Come on.
You are the best kind of audience for me then. I need someone who thinks everything is funny, even when it isn’t.
So what happened to ruin BL2? I love that game, but I’m stuck in a boss battle, and I can’t go back and level up a little. So I’ve kind of been not playing it lately. I really need someone that is an expert or is leveled up so I can beat it, but I can do it with my friends, no trouble, if you are having BL2 Bitterness right now. To be honest, I kind of feel the same way about voice chatting with you. While it would be fun to hear your voice, and I really do want to play with you, I am afraid that I will sound like an idiot to you. As curious as I am to hear your accent, I don’t want to have you hear my really monotone lame voice. And you would think I was a dork. I get the feeling we would both be tripping over our words, because it is just awkward. Somehow we need to find out a way to hear each other’s voices, but without all our social anxieties getting in the way. When they invent something like that, we’ll totally be on it.
If I ever do get to hear your voice, I’ll try not to make you angry as long as you promise to give me some accent.
I have a temper too, but usually keep it internalized. I fear for the person that ever gets the wrath of it getting out!
Yeah, I can be an overtalker. Luckily I have an edit button so I don’t say even more. 🙂
But if someone laughs, isn’t it funny even if YOU don’t think it’s funny? It’s funny to someone, which makes it funny.
Sorry to get all philosophical on you there, but I figured it was relevant.
BL2 being ruined might be another thing to discuss via some means other than WP.
Like I said the other night, I wouldn’t mind hopping on there to help you beat a boss or something. Husband and I could both play. No big deal, regardless of any BL2 Bitterness. You just have to let me know!
I can’t believe you’d be worried about the same thing with that! I mean, I KIND of can, just because it’s weird to be all like ‘BF!’ then actually talk. Doesn’t help that I’m pretty self-conscious about my stammering and whatnot. And in general, it’s just much easier for me to interact with typing words rather than speaking. (Although it’s frustrating how much LONGER it takes to say ANYTHING.)
And no, I wouldn’t think you were a dork. I’m really worried you would just think I’m an idiot.
LoL, I’d say the only way to hear people speaking before interacting with them is videos or something like that. But I know how weird it is to ‘upgrade’ a friendship that started out on the internet.
I can intentionally speak in a southern accent, but it’s usually imitating. I do a pretty spot-on impression of my mom. (Or so I’ve heard . . .)
I need an edit button. Where did you get yours?
You are right about when others think things are funny, especially when they laugh and their laugh is awesome. I would love to plant some awesome laughers in an audience whereever I went just to make sure I had at least that. There is almost no feeling better in the world than getting a laugh from someone. That is great motivation to me in being funny. There is my philosophy for the day.
Like I said it would be fun to do some BL2, I just have some anxiety just like you. Maybe someday we will be comfortable with it. 🙂 Whenever, we feel comfortable it will happen. Regardless, we’re friends and that is the most important thing.
It would be fun to hear your accent, but again I’ll hear it when I hear it. No big deal.
My edit button is just not talking. And waiting for the right time to say something. And when I start stumbling or repeating things, I usually know to shut it down.
I wonder if comedians do that – plant laughers in the audience. (There should not be a red squiggly line on laughers… -_-)
I mean, people follow suit with things. One person laughs, the next is more likely to.
It IS good to make other people laugh.
More daily philosophy!
Well, I guess since I’ve heard you talking now, that’s one half of it down. Maybe if I make that video, we’ll both just get over it at some point after that.
But you’re totally right. We’re friends and that’s what’s important!
I’m telling you again, I really don’t have much of an accent. And it probably wouldn’t come out at all if I was a bit uncomfortable. Well, maybe a little, but probably not much.
I’m always stumbling and repeating things. The former is a larger issue when I’m speaking. The latter always is. I can’t ever remember if I actually say things or only think I said them. Then sometimes I can’t remember either. haha
Now I’m hearing Gordon Ramsay in my head. “SHUT IT DOWN!”
If I was a comedian, I would definitely like to have someone in the crowd. It would be awesome if it was someone with a distinctive laugh like my mom or someone like that. You are so right about laughers. That is totally a word.
I try to make people laugh even though it appears I just talk about bitter things. Some people get it, others don’t. That is what divides my followers that have a sense of humor and ones that don’t. Most are pretty good though.
Yeah, it was hard to put myself out there with that video, but it was so fun to write that I couldn’t not do it. I did get some feedback about my part not being the best one, but again, writing it was so fun that I would love to do it again. I may do another one someday, when I get the time. Thanks for being a friend and not totally hating my voice. It’s like people think I could do anything to change it anyways.
Well, I guess we can agree that we both like to ramble and stumble around. Oh well.
Thanks. We will make laughers a word. (Why is it not?!)
LoL, does anyone actually follow your blog that doesn’t get your sense of humor with it? People . . .
I actually liked your parts in the video better, to be honest. Not that the rest wasn’t good, but I did think your parts were funnier and whatnot.
I suppose you CAN change your voice, in a sense. I can’t really make myself not-mumble (consistently), but I DID train myself out of my accent. (Then I got it back, then it disappeared (for the most part) on its own.)
But that’s not a voice, really, just a way of speaking.
So I don’t know. I think I’m just rambling.
I guess laughers isn’t a word because we aren’t in charge of the dictionary. We need to get together and create a Bitter/C dictionary that has all the awesome words we make up. The world would be jealous of our word making ability.
You would be surprised how many people follow my blog that aren’t even human. I pretty much get about 5 new followers a day at least and most of them are spam. If just one tenth of those followers either viewed or liked, I would be getting at least 500 everytime I posted. Some people follow, then never come back again. It’s pretty sad. But really, I think it is about the 20 or so people that are regulars that actually comment and become your friends that make it worth it. You know?
I thank you for saying that about my video. It was totally fun to make and I would probably make more if they weren’t so hard to do and if I was any good on camera, or if I had more time. I would like to at least make one more, where it is a comical commercial advertising my site. I haven’t put enough thought into that one yet,but if I ever get the inspiration I will.
You’re right about being able to change your voice, because singers work their vocal cords in order to stretch their range and so forth, but it takes a lot of work and to me at this point in my life, I just don’t want to work at it. If I was an actor and got paid to do stuff, then I would certainly work on it, but I’m not going to change it order to please people I talk on the phone with all day. You are such a rambler…HA HA. I way outramble you on here.
We really should make our own dictionary.
It’s crazy that you get so many spam followers. I mean, yeah, I have (quite) a few of them, obviously. That gets kind of irritating, going to people’s blogs and seeing nothing. It’s like . . . . .
What’s the point in this?
But yeah, a few people make this worth it for sure.
Have you put any more thought into the commercial? I thought you were good in the video.
Have you ever thought about being an actor? Not like, “I’m going to pursue it,” but, “I wonder what that would be like.” I think about that sort of stuff sometimes.
Haha. I don’t know that you outramble me on here. I guess we each give the other a run for their money.
(That’s such a weird saying.)
Perhaps if we ever do a collaboration, the dictionary would be the thing. That would be pretty awesome. Maybe I will start thinking about a commercial again. I think you are the only one that is keeping that idea alive for me. It’s been a while since I even thought about one. It sure was fun to write the newscast so I could see having fun doing a commercial. Though YouTube is not my specialty, I enjoy doing the videos so people know who I am a little. I find that I relate better to bloggers that I know a little about than one that keep everything anonymous. Pictures, videos, etc. I am a visual person, what can I say?
So how about you? Still working on your Q&A? I’m thinking we will both get around to our videos around the same time. I’ve been tempted to call your number just to hear what you sound like, since you haven’t come out with your video…I guess I’ll be patient.
Yes, venturing out can be a bit disconcerting, especially if you haven’t done it in quite some time. Also, have you gotten on a swing lately? I did the other day and I pumped my legs four, maybe five times before I became so nauseated that I had to stop immediately lest I vom all down the front of me much to the horror of other playground children. When did that happen? I was a champion swinger (literally with a swing, not the ‘put-your-keys-in-this-big-fish-bowl-and-go-home-with-a-different-spouse swinger) Being an adult blows sometimes.
I’m afraid if I got in a swing now, you would be seeing me on the local news as one who got stuck inside the swings and needed the police to bail them out.
I’m so proud of you, Bittery Benny; maybe next time you can actually chance looking at a flower…..
No flowers thanks. They attract bees and bees like to sting…me.
Wow, that was a tough one Bitter Ben – glad to see that you made it in one piece and with your bitterness intact. It would have been terrible if you’d been encouraged to enjoy the great outdoors.
The amazingly bad fresh air was almost too much and I was completely out of breath when I got home. I’m lucky I survived.
Snorticles. Thanks for the heads up on this strange behavior. I’ll know what expect when dad tells this little oinker to literally go take a walk — outside – snorts. XOXO – Bacon
Be ready for some toxic air that will fill your lungs with not mud.
oh shivers. My two worse things – toxic air and mud. I don’t like mud. I’m just not that type of pig. Heck, I don’t care much for nature or grass. Grass – eeww. I hate the way it feels on my hooves. Mommy says I’m one of those ‘privileged’ pigs. I’m not sure what she means by that. Snorts. XOXO – Bacon
Toxic air is the worst, little one. I hope you never have to get dirty. That is the worst.