Welcome to the off orange colored carpet, where we welcome all the really bad stars of really bad movies. As you know almost every single person either nominated or not nominated loses, so let us really focus on how much a bunch of losers we all really are. To do so, let’s rehash old(all the way back from last week) really bad blog posts. Of course my condolences to all the losers.
So last week there was all kinds of controversy when I wrote about the Xbox and how it was talking back to me. I was bitter about how I finally had something that was supposed to listen to everything that I asked it to do and somehow mine was the only Xbox in history (of 5 months) that didn’t listen to its owner. Though if you were my Xbox would you want to listen to a word I said? I would pretend I was broken too….
I found something that I am good at though. I know that most of you are good at this, but there is one thing that I reign supreme at. Complaining. Just kidding. That’s never stopped me from offering really bad advice that I hope you follow. You know, just so I can I can laugh bitterly at you for actually listening to me.
Friday came and no one could be more bitter than it wasn’t Saturday. I mean just because you get to wear casual clothes to work, doesn’t mean that you didn’t still have to work. To make it even worse, I did a bunch of Magic Friday Gifitures to rub in the fact that it wasn’t Saturday. Leave it to me to make even magic mundane.
I did some award losing twitters.
I received some bitter comments:
“Bitter Ben . . . visualize this while you are staring at your Xbox, that you cannot control the horizontal, you cannot control the vertical, (in fact, you have no control at all) nor can you control the cute little icon with the smirk on his face, lying on the floor pounding his hands and kicking his feet, laughing hysterically because you have entered the Xbox Twilight Zone! WELCOME!” Snow
“You think you’re bitter? I spent $500 buying the Xbox One for my husband and son and so it’s not even me it’s ‘supposedly’ listening to. It actually does make dinner though. Maybe you should work on your tone of voice??” Marissa Bergen
“I liked this, but I’m too scared to comment. I’m just bitter about that.” Blog Woman!!!
“You win. Can’t argue with that. Wouldn’t even dare to try. I’ll re-think that position when I’m on my death bed.” Girlforgetful
“This is my tippy-top favorite of all the posts of yours so far. The carefully bitter planning…I like it. You’ve really DONE that phone move, haven’t you? With this Gripe Guide, you’ve set the bar at a new depth for all we Danny- and Debbie-Downer wanna-bes out here. I bow to you, sir.” Outlier Babe
“Yeah the pizza trick…she got that off me. Bitter? Me? hmph…I feel like the girl on the left that the magic brookstick guy landed on. Like I need to give my head a shake but OH here’s THIS guy to do it for me! Thanks for reminding me, Ben. That one can just be grooving along and all of a sudden someone falls out of the sky and lands on your head. I’m staying in this weekend.” Laura Lynn
“Where am I, and why am I in this hand basket?” Sue Jansons
And now the Academy presents…. Bitterest Giftures of the night…
I’d like to thank the academy so much..for nothing. Bad night.
Bitter Short Speech Ben