Download bitterness

Don't be jealous of my screaming fast modem.

Don’t be jealous of my screaming fast modem.

Last night I was on my Xbox downloading some DLC (extra content for those not in the know) for one of my games called Saints Row IV(I think they Romans call that 4).  It was making me bitter because it was taking 614 MB’s more than an hour and a half to download.  I’m no computer expert but I know that it shouldn’t have taken that long to.  As mentioned before on this blog, I grew up in the Bitterbenzoic era, before modems and high speeds were even a dream and where I felt bitter that my type writer wasn’t working fast enough. When the internet was a just a young lad, it had a thing called a modem that made a loud screeching noise that made cats sound sane, when it was connecting to the internet.  Even at 28.8k speed(the blazing fast speed of that ancient time), this shouldn’t have taken so long.  I consider myself a patient bitterperson, but this was ridiculous.  Watching the percentage downloaded go from 1% to 2% was like watching a regular season baseball game.  Waiting for the XBox to download gave me time to think about how slow I have been to download most information.

Even he is better at math than me.

Even he is better at math than me.

Math –  loading 1%….I am now in my 40th year or 41st, I can’t remember how that goes.  I am still learning what factors and integers and mulitiplication and division means.  If I, like Billy Madison, was forced to take 5th grade math in order to win the lottery, I would still be sitting in my 5th grade classroom creeping out the teachers, students, and the custodian. Though I would dominate in gym, and be chosen at least 4th or 5th(as opposed to last when I was that age) on any team that required athletic skills, my 4th grader would have a better chance of passing a 5th grade test than me.  Luckily, I have yet to use sine, cosine, logorithims or even addition and subtraction once in my daily life.  Thank bitterness for that.

I'm an expert at the don't talk to me look.

I’m an expert at the don’t talk to me look.

Small talk – Loading 2.4% – I have been lacking the skill to pretend to care about what people say about weather, car breakdowns, kids sports, the news, government, politics, peoples hobbies, their hometowns, their anxiety disorders, neuroses and what sandwich they had at the deli last night, or what they “did this weekend” since I was born.  I just don’t care.  While I appreciate someones ability to drone on about those things and have the ability to care, I don’t.  When you are talking, I hope you are completely carrying the conversation, because my mind is at home on the couch, downloading DLC for my game, while you are talking.  If it takes a moment for me to answer a question you accidently ask me, and there is a long, awkward pause of say 10 minutes or so, just go ahead and continue to talk about your boring self, start your own daydream or just walk, slide, or even run away. I won’t be offended at either of those responses.  Heck you can even yell at me for being rude, I’ll still be watching that download thing in my mind, so you probably shouldn’t waste your breath.  Which is what got us here in the first place.

A good day of shaving.

A good day of shaving.

Shaving loading 17% – Ever seen the Santa Claus movie with Tim Allen where he accidently kills Santa Claus and has to take the job over the Santa Claus job? A lot of bad things happen to him because of it.  He gains weight without eating, he starts wearing Christmas sweaters year round, his son starts to resent him, he loses his job, his ex-wife hates him, his ex-wifes current husband with equally bad Billy Cosby like sweaters tries to psychoanalyse him.  But the worst part of all, is that even when he shaves, his beard grows back superfast.  He tries to shave, it grows back.  He tries to shave again it grows back again.  Can you imagine the amount of razor burn that must have caused? And how many cuts he had to endure?  That is me, like twice a week.  It is the worst 6 minutes of my Wednesday evening. Not only do I have to lift myself off the couch to walk to the bathroom, but I have to endure that superhot water on my face, and have to use first aid to save my face everytime I shave.  I’ve lost more blood in two weeks of shaving, than one time donating my blood.  At 40, you’d think I would have this down, but you would be wrong.

This is how you fix them right?

This is how you fix them right?

Car repair – 7% – Loading – Because I am male of the species, there is a stereotype that I am supposed to be able to fix a car.  Well, I’m here to tell you I can.  I have about 7% more skill at fixing a car than a baby. Take that 17 month old kid! I can fill my gas tank like a boss who can fill gas tanks! I can take my car to Oil Can Henry’s in like only 20 minutes and have them change my 10 W 30 oil in like another 20 minutes.  Take that small child who thinks they are so superior!  I’ve even gone to Shell gas station and applied air pressure to my tires with a hose thingy and got them up to the 35 lbs, um number that they are supposed to be.  Such precision and skill that 17 month old has yet to master.  Keep working on it though little dude and maybe by 20 months you will have it down, but until then I own your car repair skills. Suck on your little pacifier, baby person!

Download...100% complete.

Download…100% complete.

So maybe I am still downloading the “necessary” life skills that most people have fully downloaded by the time they are 8 years old.  But there is one skill that most people don’t even come close to mastering that I have powned them on.  Bitterness….100% Complete.


Bitter Downloaded Complete Ben


90 thoughts on “Download bitterness

  1. Pingback: The Bitter End…of the Year | Ben's Bitter Blog

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  3. Play Station is terrible too. One time, my brother and cousin and I were hanging out, and we were trying to download something (I forget what) and then my mom was like, “Time to eat” and after we ate My cousin’s mom was like, okay, we’re leaving now, so we didn’t get to even use whatever it was we were downloading. Grrr…


  4. I love how those skills are still downloading. I hope they eventually do before the world crashes! I think the ‘small talk’ skill is a common delayed download. The bitterness download you obviously own. Duh. 🙂


  5. Don’t you hate that?! I swear if it didn’t defeat the purpose, i.e., wanting to play a game, it would be so tempting to take the Uzi AND the crossbow to whatever server(s) are the problem!


  6. Hilarious!

    I’m so bad at math, that I have to take my top off to count to twelve!

    So when someone’s talking to you, and you’re not paying attention, and you’re thinking about downloading to your XBox and completely ignoring them, that’s like most men when women are talking to them, huh?


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