Bitter Reasons to be tall

He's bitter about being a head shorter than me.

He’s bitter about being a head shorter than me.

I guess today is a holiday, though how would I know it?  I’m at work, doing work (well, not right now) and I see no evidence of it being a holiday at all other than there are some oversized spiders hanging from the ceiling and spider webs everywhere. There is also some weirdo that doesn’t have a head riding around on his horse annoying me.  When I asked him to get off his high horse and measure our heights back to back, he was about a head shorter than me.  Sure he was a little bitter about having no head and all, but nowhere near the bitterness I have in being tall.

It happens automagically.

It happens automagically.

Accidental Greatness.  Try as I might, because of my height, I can’t control being good at sports. I try to avoid being near basketball courts by laying on my couch doing nothing, because whenever I walk on a court, I am accidently blocking shots, doing 360 windmill dunks, or doing crossovers that would make Lebron look stupid.  When I walk out on a football field, I accidently swat passes out of the way, on soccer fields I keep mistakenly scoring goals.  It upsets some people, particularly people that actually do these things for a living.  They practice for hours on end, doing insane things like running, lifting weights and shooting.  You can’t imagine the burden I carry of automagically being good at sports without trying. It’s like people expect you to do it for a living.  But it seems like a lot of work.

Always breaking my mom's back.

Always breaking my mom’s back.

Growing up. I had to grow up way more than most.  While some people were lucky enough to grow up slowly and gradually and then stop at a nice even height, I had to keep growing.  It caused sore bones, lack of sleep, and unrealistic expectations that I could grab things on really high shelves.  Imagine the bitterness I felt when someone short kept asking me, “Can you get this for me?” and “Can you get that for me?”  or “Can you get that other thing for me?”.  “Can you climb on this dangerous ladder and risk your life putting this thing up there for me?” or “Can you get down from the Empire State Building and stop swatting at the nice airplanes trying to kill you?”.  Some people just have no idea how much it hurts being so tall.

Such cruel nicknames like "Tallie" and "Hey can you screw in that lightbulb for me?"

Such cruel nicknames like “Tallie” and “Hey can you screw in that lightbulb for me?”

Nicknames.    There are all kinds of cruel, bitter nicknames for us.  How about “Hey really tall guy up there!” or “What’s up tallie?” or “What’s the weather like up there, head in the clouds boy?” or “Hey do you want some Strawberry Tallcake?” or “Hey Bitter Green Giant, how is your corn and green beans!” or “What’s up guy that can screw in lightbulbs slightly easier than we can guy?” You have no idea how many days I came home from school or from work yesterday, and plopped on the couch that wasn’t quite long enough, and had to watch a 60″ inch TV that wasn’t quite as tall as me, and easily forgot all those insults.  But it was a burden for those short few seconds.  Don’t they know that I prefer to be heightily enhanced, not “tall”.  Whatever, I’m not bitter(yes I am).

Invented by someone who hates tall people.

Invented by someone who hates tall people.

Doorways.  Doorways, showerheads, chandeliers, trees and Spiderwebs were all things invented by someone who wanted to torture tall people.  I imagine it was someone who was really smart and saavy and good with making things that on the surface seemed useful, but really subtly hated tall people because of their ability to read the weather about a millisecond faster than they could.  I would like to come face to face with this person someday, so I could tell him or her how bitter I am about them, but I fear that I would have to sit down to get face to face with that person.  No matter, I will get my revenge someday, by not getting something on the top shelf for them or booing them when they come up just short…of making the Hall of Inventions.

I know people have a lot of things to do today, so I will make this short…Have a bitter day of overeating, being hot and stuffy in your costume and having to work despite this being a holiday.  I know I will be bitter.

Arrrggghhhhhh Boooo

Bitter Tallie Ben

 

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244 thoughts on “Bitter Reasons to be tall

    • We are such a harrassed people. The hurt knees, the hurt from the bad jokes about us…I imagine your poor 7 ft. friend must have such a hard time with the questions about why he isn’t in the NBA and hitting his head on skyscrapers, etc.

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    • Business establishments should be required to put stepladders in place for short people to talk to us. Do they not care about the back pain caused by having us bend over to hear what the height challenged are saying?

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  1. Be honest, though…..my teenage sons are both 6’2″ and whenever I ask them to empty the dishwasher they put things on ridiculously high shelves. If they’re not home to retrieve them for me I have to call in a helicopter service just to get a glass for a drink of water. Are they annoying me so I will stop asking them to do chores?

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  2. Awww… But without you tall people in our lives, how would us short people EVER get things down from high shelves. You were made the way you are for very good reasons. Don’t knock it! Or, anyway, please don’t knock your head on the door lintel.

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  3. Question about tagging posts… I saw on Freshly Pressed this was tagged in “rant” but on your post, you don’t have “rant” tagged. How the HELL do people tag their posts to be freshly pressed?!?! Ugh… I overly tag my posts and never get FP. Am I doing it in the wrong spot?

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  4. Hahaha this cracked me up. I’ve accepted being tall, but I avoid basketball courts bc everyone thinks I will be good. I’m not. No depth perception. So then it just confuses them that I’m tall and not talented. Sigh.

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  5. I’m neither short nor tall. Everywhere I go I feel like the world is generally designed to suite my needs and abilities. It’s probably a living hell, but I wouldn’t know otherwise.

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  6. My husband is 6′ 5″. One day I stood on the step I have for the things on the high shelf and he told me to “Try and chop vegetables on the counter while you are still on the step. I want you to see what I go through every day.” When we remodeled one of our bathrooms, the vanity was raised by 4″. I get it now.

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  7. Usually we hear the rants and complaints from the ‘not-so-tall’ so it’s really interesting to hear from you(: I don’t know if it’s just my country or culture or perhaps it’s just the people around us, if you are tall, that’s an assured advantage. My younger bro is about 2 heads taller than his fellow mates but he has nvr complain about being made fun of. Instead he gained a lot of attention (esp from the girls) I’m sure there are both advantage and disadvantage for every traits. But you can take it positively. It’s always a joy to help others so if you are able to help out the ‘shorter’ ones, do that! And be proud of it. Be happy about it! Because you lent a helping hand to someone else(:

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  8. Strawberry Tallcake…I miss that stuff. It was so yummy.

    My mom totally takes advantage of asking me to reach stuff for her. When I was young, she asked me to get stuff because I was closer to the ground. Once I got tall, I had to get stuff because I was taller than her. Now she just says, “Can you get that for me? You’re younger.”

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  9. Freshly Pressed! Woot! I hope it brings many new friends your way. 😀 I’m 5’6″, which is just tall enough to make people ask you to grab things for them– and yet not tall enough to be a supermodel. 😉 Good thing I ended up being a math nerd who likes helping people grab things from shelves…

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  10. I never ask a tall person to climb on a ladder for me – their center of gravity is way too high. Mine is nice and close to the ground, so I feel much safer putting my super short stature on a ladder. Tell that to the next person who asks you to get on a ladder for them.

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  11. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed, even though you’ll find a way to be bitter about it. Probably since it’s drawing more attention to the fact that you’re tall but don’t play for the Supersonics even though they mostly suck.

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  12. My husband has a shirt that says “I am 6’9″, the weather is fine, don’t ask”. There was an article in dear Abbey about someone who was 6’9″ and actually felt like a freak when he entered a room. I asked my husband if this is how he feels. He said he feels like a God when he enters a room. Many advantages to being tall. We don’t own a step stool, etc…

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    • I assume he is almost always the one grabbing things from the top shelf? Reminds me of the commercial with Kevin durrant having to get leaves out of the gutter. Not such a glamourous life for the talls of the world.

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  13. Yes! To all of it. Being tall sucks – and have often wondered if that applies even more when you’re a girl. People assume you don’t need walking home, for example. I mean, I don’t, but the offer would be nice. I’ve been pulled in the middle of a catfight of women *I don’t even know* on more than one occasion, too, because they see my height and assume a) I’m good protection and/or b) I’m good at fighting.
    Mirrors are never in the right place.
    Kitchen sideboards are just a few inches too low.
    Table/chair combinations are made for the inordinately short.
    Driving can be a tad irksome, too – either the windscreen doesn’t go up high enough (so when you pull up to lights, you have to duck down in order to see them turn green), or there’s a steering wheel/knees/ribs issue.
    As honeydidyouseethat also points out…living in England (not just that, but in a specific historical town where EVERYTHING is hundreds of years old, and that’s not an exaggeration) means low ceilings and door frames are a daily contender. The shop I work in is from the 1600s…if I go upstairs to the stock room, I have to crouch to stand up in there. The shop floor has a bit more headroom, but not much… I feel like Alice when she suddenly gets big again.
    I mean, I’m not HUGELY tall (6’2), but it’s pretty big for a femme. As for finding women’s clothes and not living in men’s trainers…don’t get me started.
    Tall people unite!

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  14. Wow, I never knew it was this hard to be tall. I have a fear of height and have secretly always admired tall people for living in a space I fear to reach. I agree we should be more sympathetic to tall people, they have a greater tendency to bump their head. My sympathy goes out to you all tall dearies.
    Nice piece, points are clearly subtitled and argued.

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  15. A conversation between a ‘normal’ sized person and someone holding the Lower end of the banner:
    (Whilst looking at an enlarged poster of space)
    McTavish: Whenever I see photographs like this one, I wonder about my place in the universe…
    Me: Yeah…
    McTavish: …. and feeling so small in the face of the big, wide universe.
    Me: Yeah….
    McTavish: I wonder how much smaller you feel.
    Me: …

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  16. Pingback: In case you missed it…I’m blogging home alone | Ben's Bitter Blog

  17. Judging by the extent of your bitterness, I’m guessing you must be about 7 feet tall. You’ve probably never had to stand on a shelf in the grocery store to get something that is on a higher shelf. Or perhaps you were the person who came along just as I was standing precariously on the bottom shelf, straining to reach the peaches, and a tall person, maybe you, came along and said “I’ll get that for you miss.” When you are short you get called miss a lot, probably because they really want to call you “little miss” but they don’t because that would be degrading. But much better than being called “ma’am” so I’ll settle for miss and not be bitter. About being short. And being called miss. And having to stand on shelves in stores all the time.

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  18. You forgot to mention that you tall people have the same number of vertebrae as we short people, but they have a lot more work to do. And sometimes those sore backs will make you cranky/bitter.

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  19. Aah, 5’11 over here so I can totally relate to this bitterness. I hate how easy it is to just reach past and over people, like when you’re battling a group of Asian tourists to get on a bus. Also, people are forever asking you to help dust the top of their fridge. Psh.

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  20. I remember when being the tallest kid in your grade school class was an accomplishment. Now to get any respect I’m expected to do work or be a good person. I miss elementary school.

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  21. I feel for ya Bitter Ben. I’m not tall, it’s just that a lot of people I know just happen to be shorter than me. It’s the worst isn’t it? Being stuck at the back of group shots, always getting the part as the tree in school plays. Only good part is, when the tree falls over, everyone else falls over too. Mwhaha 🙂

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