Outdoor Bitterness

Dangerous vehicle I rode without a license.  Also used it to run away and the cause of my first set of stiches.

The dangerous getaway vehicle I rode without a license. Also used it to run away and the cause of my first set of stiches.

When I was growing up, one of my first memories was when I was 6 years old.  My brother and I got home from an excersion of some sort(might have been a vacation trip or a trip to the grocery store.  You expect me to remember?  I was 6.)  I was dressed in my Superman pajamas and my brother was in his Batman pj’s and we decided to go to our local elementry school to play in the sandbox, or save the world(again, can’t remember.  I was 6.)  Needless to say, my parents were a little worried and almost had to send a search party out to find us.  When they did find us, they were upset.  We were just playing in the sand in our pj’s and saving the world.  Why in the world would they be freaked out?

There is nothing better than working hours on building a temporary shelter, in the cold only to have a claustrophobic evening

There is nothing better than working hours on building a temporary shelter, in the cold, only to have to spend a bitter evening as a cold claustrphobe in a cramped snow cave.

I survived that near “disaster” until my 30’s where I was given the “opportunity” to be an adult leader on a winter scout trip.  I was stupid enough to participate in the manly ritual of building a snow cave.  Then I made the even dumber decision to actually sleep in the snow cave, and with 4 other guys, in the space that 4 hamsters could barely fit.  Let’s just say that as a claustrophobe, I had a slightly bitter evening.  And by slightly I mean colossal.  So what do these two bitter experiences have in common?  They both made me bitter.  And they both happened outdoors.

Nothing good ever happens outdoors.  Think about that for a moment.  Then, think about your life and try to recall how much time you actually spend outdoors.  Unless you camp for a living, you probably spend most of your time indoors.  Typical day for me. Sleep indoors from midnight to 5:00 am.  Get ready inside.  Go outside for about 15 seconds, get in car.  Drive to work.  Go outside for 15 seconds, walk inside building.  Work for like 32 hours.  Reverse, do the hokey pokey, turn yourself around, go home.  Watch TV while bitter blogging.  If you are pretty good at math, you saw that about 1 minute total was spent outside.

Like I need to go outside to enjoy nature.  I can see it in 3D and HD.  Can being outdoors offer this kind of picture?

Like I need to go outside to enjoy nature. I can see it in 3D and HD. Can being outdoors offer this kind of picture?

Some say it renews your soul to go outside.  Some say going outside gives them fresh air.  Some say everything outside smells different.  I say going outside renews your bitterness, but really I can be bitter anywhere.  I say it smells different outside too.  It smells like dead animals and decay.  I say I can get fresh air from the air conditioning inside.  If I want to view nature, I can look on my bitter screen TV and see it in 3D HD.  Can nature promise things in 3D HD?  Can nature promise that I won’t get mosquito bit, poison ivied, eaten by animals or stuck in a stupid snow cave? No.

Bitterball.

Bitterball.

Attend a sporting event outdoors? How about no.  I live in a place where the baseball team has been horrible for a decade, the weather even in a heat wave has clouds, and I have a TV that offers me a much better view of the action than a $100 ticket would ever give me.  And if the sun happens to make an appearance it shines right in your face so you can’t see the game.  As if I would ever go to a boring baseball game.

Happiness outdoors is just a myth.  Humans live inside for a reason.  Sure bitterness can be found outdoors, but it is much easier to be bitter on your couch watching TV.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Indoors Ben

FYI, If you missed yesterday’s post, I announced that I was featured on a Podcast reading with a monotone voice one of my old posts Wanted:A Bitter Rival to Feud With and also in another podcast about my Zombie Apocalypse.  Check them out if you have nothing else to do and need something to help you sleep.

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54 thoughts on “Outdoor Bitterness

  1. Pingback: Lost and Found Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. I enjoy the outdoors when it is between 63 and 72 degrees with a slight breeze, no bugs, no rain, and plenty of sunscreen. So I’m just slightly less bitter than you are.

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  3. I might have a cure for your outdoor bitterness. I just spent 4 days camping in my parents camper. Being outdoors with all the inside comforts including air conditioning, real beds, and a full kitchen. If your feeling adventurous, you can put the TV, yes full tv with satellite, on the outside of the camper and sit out in nature while you watch!

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    • Even better is doing all that while on the inside of a structure called a house. That doesn’t move or have nature. You tried really hard and I appreciate that. But inside will always win for the lazy bitterman.

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  4. Oh, Big Wheels! Once I stole the neighbor’s plastic fun (my stupid father only got us real bikes). I was pretty proud of myself. We used to ride sitting on the handle bars (don’t know why) and I was going top speed when the thing flipped forward and I fell off. The big wheel kept spinning on my back (it was summer so I was wearing a halter top). I got this huge burn and the air was knocked out of me. I bitterly returned the stolen property.

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  5. Awww Bitter Ben… I can’t support you on this one. Not only do I smoke, which happens always outdoors, but I also enjoy the warm air. Mostly because in the summer, people are idiots and think the temperature inside needs to be -45 degrees. Bitter BRRRRRRRRR right there.

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  6. I’m so glad I realized how much better being indoors is as I grew up. I have a feeling the neighbors wouldn’t approve of me still riding my big wheel.

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  7. Nowadays if you go outside without SPF 500, you instantaneously get skin cancer. And breathe in smog. And get bit by mosquitoes and bees and whatnot. And my hairsprayed worked stripper hair that is the envy of all inside in air-conditioned building becomes limp in outside humidity. So I feel you. I will watch Bear Grylls tonight, starving and eating larvae in the tundra, from the comfort of my plush recliner. And your 3D pic looks better than any nature I’ve ever seen.

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  8. How bitter are you about being the only kid in history to get stitches from riding a big wheel? You’re three inches off the ground, is it actually possible to injure oneself on one of these?

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