Bitter Bees

This was the effect of one little bee on me yesterday.

This was the effect of one little bee on me yesterday.

I was cruising along the highway on my way home from yet another bitter day of work, window down, sweating up a storm, with my no air conditioning, perusing WordPress on my phone, while not paying attention to the road(or anything else for that matter), except to occasionally look up at the ridiculous gas prices, when all of a sudden a tiny yellow and black striped flying ace with a stinger flew in my window.   I immediately screamed like a little girl.  He looked as surprised as I was to be there, but he had the misfortune of landing in a car full of bitterness.  I swiped him off without getting stung, and he landed right on my arm rest.  He was a little out of it, so I squished him into honey and kept him securely under my wallet until I could assure he was doornail(or dead as one).

Soon after, my heart slowed down to its regular bitter pace and Bitterspiration stung me in the face(see what I did there?)!  I knew that I was going to write about how bitter bees make me.  I guess the bittertacular post I was going to write about will just have to wait.

First things first. Bees make honey.  The worst ingredient in Honey Roasted Peanuts, Honey Nut Cheerios and Honey and Peanut Butter Sandwiches(Peanuts are better because they cause other people peanut allergies).  Honey also produces some the worst movies and TV shows ever.  Bee Movie, a Seinfeld disaster about a Bee that sues humankind for all the honey.  They can have it all as far as I am concerned. Go to your bee island that I will never visit.  And Honey, a dancing movie which makes even Jessica Alba look bad (Never mind.  That is all her movies.) I haven’t even seen the movie and I know it was bad.  And I’ve seen one promo for Honey Boo Boo.  Bitter shivers up my spine.

The terror.

The terror.

 

Second things second. Bees are roughly the size of one the bones on my finger.  They fly pretty slow.  They are a good food for spiders.  They buzz a little but not near as loudly as flies.  The fact of the matter is that no one would really care at all about bees except one little feature that comes out of their butt and the thing that will kill it if it is used.  The stinger that produces a massive amount of poison.  I should know, I have been stung 3 times in my life(one of those times I stepped on one), and each time I swelled up like a pregnant Kardashian.  Sure those three bees died because of it, but they went out like a boss(even though their boss was an overbearing queen).  When I bite the bitter bullet someday, I know it is going to be something lame like old age, or a heart attack.  It is my dream to cause someone bitter pain as I leave.  I wish it was, like a bee, using a sword from my butt to sting a giant person looking thing 1oo times my size.

This is how I am going out.  Making this dude's foot swell up really bad.

This is how I hope I go out. Making this dude’s foot swell up really bad.

The image and reputation of bees is hard work and togetherness.  If there are two things that anger a bitter soul, it is work and togetherness.  You know the opposite of laying on the couch, taking a week off, not doing things for people?   The only thing good about work is that it is something to complain and be bitter about, but as you can tell I can be bitter about 1000’s of other things.  Why would I want to be like a Bee and work?  And working together is an even worse idea.  Why in the world would I want to not only accomplish a goal, but do it with another person or 10?  If there is something I have learned in life, it is that others just get in my way.  In traffic, in sold out concerts, in the mall, at work.  If it wasn’t for all these people, my head wouldn’t hurt so bad all the time.  I don’t know what is worse, all the buzzing or all the talking.  They all sound the same to me.

Give me my B back...

Give me my B back…

The worst attrocity that bees commit though, is letter theft.  The letter that starts my name.  B.  The letter that starts Bitterness.  B.  And the letter that starts this blog.  B.  I had them all first.  Don’t think that I’m not taking you to court Bees.  It is on, Bitterly.

Buzzz offf!

Arrrgggghhhhh

Bitter Ben’s Blog (the B’s are mine Bees!)

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56 thoughts on “Bitter Bees

  1. Honey Boo Boo aside (because she is just freaking weird), honey rules! And bees are becoming endangered, you shouldn’t kill them. On the other hand, if it was a wasp, go ahead and beat it to a pulp.

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  2. I had to laugh because this was nothing compared to my first single ride on the back of a man’s motorcycle in my 30’s. I just never took a ride on the wild side before, cruising towards a place called Old Man’s Cave and more than 3 bees came into my helmet. I am meanwhile pulling on the man’s sleeve, trying to get him to pull over, getting stung it felt like a million times! Of course, he thought I was wanting the restroom, and kept going until an exit that had one listed. When the helmet came off, big welts on my face, he felt guilty and terrible. My tears were real. But, bees are scary and I think nothing of you screaming like a girl. I don’t think that is wrong at all!

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  3. Honey is amazing. Research it. I use medical honey for cuts and it cured my daughter’s MRSA infection that no antibiotic could touch. Re-think honey. I had a baby bee fly into my mouth once. I swallowed him reflexively. I think he was too little to sting me. I too stepped on a bee and couldn’t walk on that foot due to the huge swollen ball on the bottom. But bees are the reason why we eat due to their pollination, so suffer through, even if it has to be bitterly!

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  4. I’d say lets kill all the bees, but I’m pretty sure someone would protest that. Not you, obviously. Besides, we gotta leave something for the spiders to eat other than flies. PS–thanks for liking my blog.

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  5. Bees are annoying….just annoying. Coming across a swarm of bees is even more frustrating. Thankfully I have never been bitten by a bee. 😀
    The bee is capable of making just ANYONE bitter.

    And the Bee Movie? It brought out the best of my bitterness for a week. I was bitter and made sure every human that made the mistake of contacting was bitter as well.

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  6. Sheesh would you please look at the positive side for once? Regardless of a life threatening allergy bee stung lips are highly desired so get over yourself. Geez.

    On a second note, as your frienemyin bitterness, I’d punch any bee in the face that tried to sting you. Then I’d make it sting itself for a taste of it’s own toxic medicine. Boom.

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    • Would I take a look at the positive side? No. Is that positive enough for you? I’ve seen some doozies of bee stung lips. Lips are just in the way of me putting food in my mouth.

      I’m gonna punch a bee in the face and get a really swollen face and take the best bitter picture for my bitter press releases.

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  7. EEK! Bee/wasp-in-car is deffo a bitter experience. I’ve never been able to squish mine though – just the rapid heart rate until I can stop and get out of there. I hope Jessica Alba appreciates what you did.

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  8. You don’t like honey!? Where Jessica Alba and HBB are concerned (see how I gave her a nickname there?) I understand, but honey itself isn’t so bad. Although, having all those bees in those special containers making honey is kind of like slave labor, and if we got rid of the bees we could create some jobs.

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  9. Ha ha. I really enjoyed this although for a time I was disappointed you were not stung as I would think that would surely bring out a lot of bitterness in you. But then I remembered you are a real person, so now I feel a bit guilty.

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    • Your cheeks must have been red from listening to someone tell you a good, funny story. I almost got a picture of the dead bee under my car wheel so that this morning I could run over it again for good measure but somehow he moved. Maybe he is going to get his bee revenge.

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  10. This made me laugh. I’m sure knowing that will make you bitter… -er.

    I’ve just discovered that there is a nest of yellow jackets somewhere near my home. I’ve remained inside, bitterly staring at the backyard which they, along with the mosquitoes, have also stolen from me.

    I don’t suppose mosquitoes make you bitter, as well? They certainly do me.

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    • You might be surprised to find out that mosquitoes do make me bitter. A couple of years ago we had a nest of bees the size of a football inside of our hot tub. Needless to say, I let my wife spray them.

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      • But of course… doing it yourself would only serve to decrease the things around you that you can be bitter about… in letting her spray them, you, in effect, replaced the bitter hole left in the absence of bees, by allowing you to direct your bitterness at her, for contributing to a lack of things to be bitter about… or something like that. ^_^

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