Totally not photoshopped photo of a fortune I got when I was very young. (1 day old.)
Most people I know want to make a difference in their lives. I do too, but between my B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness, my amusement park,Bitterland, this blog, which has the potential to be read by 10’s of people, and my Bittertising Agency I have multiple avenues to affect the people of this world. Most people don’t have these vast resources at their disposal. But you can make a difference. And I am here to help you spread bitterness just like I do.
When thinking of inspiration for Random Acts of Bitterness, think of this pig, or your younger brother, or me.
That is why I propose you start small by spreading Random Acts of Bitterness(or RAoB for short). These can be done everyday in little ways. All you have to do is think What Kind of Really Bitter Things Would Bitter Ben Do? Or WKoRBTWBBD. I find it helps to have really long acronyms that are almost as hard to remember as the real words are. Or you can think of what a younger brother or sister would do to you as a child. Something annoying, but not so annoying that they are going to squeal(like that pig above) to your parents because they will look whiny and your parents will ignore them. For those not quite getting the picture here, or not creative in a bitter way like me, I have included some examples of ways you can spread the bitter in random ways.
– When doing a blog post, make sure you misspell a few words here and there. It will drive some readers to bitterness, but they won’t point it out, as they don’t want to be percieved as grammar or spelling psychos. Using words that are just slightly off or mixed metaphors are also things that drive readers to bitterness.
– In traffic, get one of those attachments to your car, that allow you to push a button that creates potholes (or for the benefit of our southerners chuckholes). Also you can signal right and go left, drive just a little slower than the car behind you wants to go, make them try to pass, then when they do, speed up so they can’t get around you. Makes em bitter everytime.
Find this guy and see if you can help him….get farther behind.
– In the office, find the busiest person in the department, ask if there is something you can do to help them, take the task and ignore it, bring it back after it was due and tell them that after your all day internet searching, you couldn’t get to it and return the task. Walk away before their flabergasting is able to take effect.
– On the phone, call random strangers and use your most official sounding voice and tell them that they have won a million dollars. Give them a phone number they need to call, but leave out one of the digits and tell them they have 2 minutes to call or their house will be taken by the government for farmland.
– At work, find out the types of music people hate, and steal that music from the internet or run it on your internet random music player of choice. Play the music just loud enough so that tunes will get in their head, but not loud enough to where they would complain. Then when you leave for lunch, turn it up to just above unacceptable volume and lock your computer. Come back the next day.
– Communicate with people in the method that they don’t prefer. If someone wants you to fax, because they like the soothings sounds of a telephone being strangled, and because they don’t want to speak to you, call them and drone on about things until they can’t take it anymore and they ask for the info they need. Just tell them you will fax it, and forget.
Another Random Act of Bitterness…Do a photo that only kind of relates.
– Call someone and ask for a date. If they accept(though this has never happened to me), immediately ask them what they want to do. When they get flabbergasted(again with this word) about having to come with the ideas for the date, tell them you will see them at 8 this weekend and hang up. Call them at 8 on one of those days and ask where they are and why haven’t they picked you up.
– Make delicious brownies for years. Build up expectations about how good they are. Make everyone around you envy your brownie making skills so much that they become bitter because you haven’t hosted a brownie party. Then, finally relent to host a brownie party. Make one good batch and offer tiny samples to guests as they arrive. Then, pull out the batches made with salt. Enjoy the bitter faces of guests as they choke them down while you say, “I know, my best brownie batch ever right?”
They looks sooooo gooood, taste soooo salty.
– Tell you family that you have a surprise trip planned for them. Leave hints all over the place. For your wife, put a cruise on the credit card, then cancel after the bill comes in. For your kids, buy all kinds of Disney memorabilia and pretend to hide them behind your back. Throw it away after you leave. Then when the big day comes and your family is packed for everything, tell them you are going to your 20 year high school reunion this weekend. Take a picture of your bitter family vacation.
I could go on all day, but you should be getting the point by now. Go out there and make the world a bitter place. One act of Random bitterness at a time. WKoRBTWBB.
Arrrrrghhhh
Bitter Random Ben
Related articles
- School carnival bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Awareness Week (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Movie Trailer Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Pictures of the Early Part of the Week (or Monday as I like to call it) (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
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Random act if bitterness. When it’s raining, tell your kids that God’s crying because they’re ugly 🙂
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And when it is thundering, he is running over their cat.
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I find convincing someone to tell you a protracted account of what they did at the weekend or what they do for a living and then after they’ve finished, saying ‘oh sorry, totally zoned out. What did you say?’ does nicely.
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That sounds like what I do all the time. Not only does it involve doing what I like to do best(zoning out), but it also makes the other person bitter. Except people I work with, of course, who love to hear their own voice.
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I enjoy whistling Christmas Carols in May at the office. Does this count?
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I’m pretty sure that doing that will make almost everyone bitter. Do it more.
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I’ve nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. Here’s the link if you’d like to accept. http://africolonialstories.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/very-inspiring-blogger-award/
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I accept as long as I don’t have to do anything or go to the awards ceremony. I don’t have a tux.
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Your bitter acceptance is more than enough. 😀
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I bitterly accept.
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End of day, tired, crabby, read this blog post…and I hate to tell you, I’m no longer bitter! Thanks, thanks a lot, now I’ve gotta wipe the smile off my face before I take the damned dog for a damned walk…jeez…
(Thanks for visiting my blog today.)
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I am crabby at the end of every day. I need to inform more people how to be bitter and I hope you get bitterness you need to make it through all your crappy days.
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It is good that you have been practicing what you preach.
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I practice when I’m not being lazy(which is not much).
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Do you have a bitter worship service every week?
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I have a bitter university where you can come and learn. There are no scholarships and tuition is through the roof, which is why I have no official students yet, which is why I am so bitter.
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I will pay. Just to say I did something with my life.
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If you skip classes and ignore your homework for 4 years, you can obtain your BB, Bachelor’s of Bitterness.
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I can do that.
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My first student!
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I want a cap and gown
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If you pay the tuition you will even get a tassle to flip.
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Wait…is this a strip joint?
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If it were then it would be a bitter one.
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You are all kinds of bitter evil. I bitterly love it. Off to find out what music my workmates hate.
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Finally someone willing to be bitter. Though not hard to be bitter about your workmates.
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Spreading a random act of bitterness by liking your blog….
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That is how it works. Don’t question, just do.
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The world is already a bitter place, but the bitterness is unfocused. For women, I think they should tell any good looking guy “no” when asked for a date.
I’ve known guys who touted the benefits of dating them. They didn’t know what to do when I continued to say no. Take, for example, the guy from Libya with 4 wives back home. He attended the same college and had more girlfriends than days of the week. I wondered how he was able to find time to study. He was bitter about my refusal to risk unknown venereal diseases.
Yes, we can make the world a better place at the same time we make it a bitter place.
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That guys sounded like a real charmer. All I know is that someone must have warned everyone about me, because everyone was so eager to say no to me. I think it was some of my most bitter moments other than all the rest.
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This is SO exciting! If my random act of bitterness is to be TRULY random, it can’t be thought out ahead of time,right?. Meaning each and every moment is brimming with the potential to host the next bitter act. But, wait a sec. My eager anticipation of my next act of bitterness is beginning to taste kinda funny to me. DAMN! HOW COULD YOU? You’ve contaminated my blisteringly bitter life with the sweetness of eager anticipation. To be SO bitterly betrayed by Bitter Ben is beyond belief (ah . . . that’s better . . . the bitter taste is back)
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Betrayal is one of my favorite ways to make others bitter.
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The music suggetion is the most wicked part of all! Did you teach my flatmates secretly?
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They are free to read my blog as long as they don’t use the suggestions against you. If they do, when I come to Germany to visit, I will be very cross with them.
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YEAR! I’ve bought a toothbrush – think I’m well prepared for visitors now .
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I just need a piece of ground to bitterly sleep on. Can one of the villagers offer me that?
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Your misspellings do make me bitter, I agree. And for some reason, I want to make bacon brownies now. Bitterless ones. Methinks all the people at the cinema today read your blog, as they allowed their undisciplined children to shriek and yell like hyenas and shake seats and drop metal bowls of popcorn on the cement floor, so it was a sheer bitterness fest. If I could have elephant-darted them, I would have.
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Yes one of my patented Bitter Theatres. I’m glad to see it lived up to your bitter expectations. Our patented metal bowl have holes in just the right areas in order to spill at just the right time during the movie in order to make all other patrons bitter at each other.
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Only YOU would think of metal bowls for popcorn!
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And ones that had holes in it.
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I don’t know where to start…damn it. Talk about bitter, I think I’ll just sit here and brood.
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That is me. I have so many bitter ideas ready to be implemented and then I sit on my couch and lose all motivation.
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I thought chuckholes were a-holes from Charleston…
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I was going to mention that, but I think most people would figure that out, except for the ones that wouldn’t.
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I’m not sure if I was just insulted…oh well…I still insulted way more Charleston-ians…
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Are you talking about Charleston, SC or MN or OH or SD? which state of insanity are you talking about?
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“South” Carolina…duh…you said that southerners call potholes chuckholes.
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Have you been there? Sound like you have some bitter experience. And by the way, Florida is about as south as it goes.
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Haha! Hilarious! And that first picture is AWESOME!!
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You seem a little too happy after reading this. Are you sure you read this Bitter post correctly?
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I’m sure… I love it. I’m already trying to decide which I’m going to do first. Ya’ know… to bitter up someone’s day.
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Plant the bitter seed in the soil of anger and rage and soon you will have a nice bitter plant with bitter fruit that you can have people try and they will be so bitter about it they will want to spread it to others. You are finally a part of my bitter plan!
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My family would say that the bitter seed was planted long ago! Lol.
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Well your family must be really positive, because on my scale of bitterness 10 being me and 1 almost no bitterness at all you are about a 2. Your family must be made of pure sunshine.
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I want to try so many of these, Ben. You’ve inspired me to be bitter.
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Welcome to the club. Come out of the bitter closet and join us.
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When I got to the communication method one, I decided this is also a how-to post about being a super villain.
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Have you not been following this thing since the beginning? Each post is a new way to become a super villian. I have been one for 40 years now.
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Inspired, Ben. I try to confuse bitter people with kindness, just for the look on their faces. Mind you, the lofty persons at Random Acts of Kindness threw me out of their club, so i must be secretly bitter.
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Everyone is secretly bitter, even the perpetually nice people. The reason I am different is because I am open with my bitterness. Join the bitter club and embrace your bitterness.
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These are fantastically bitter suggestions. As head of the Crusaders of Chaos, I give my evil stamp of approval.
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I’ve been waiting bitterly for the stamp of approval. Now I am properly trained in the ways of evil bitterness.
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I think you already had quite the natural talent. Just as soon as I finish our evil logo, I’ll work on an evil seal of approval too.
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Whoa cooooollll. I love evil seal of approvals. I can’t wait to accidently stamp it on my face and curse it for making my face burn! But it will be my evil “mark”.
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Haha, awesome. I’ll be sure to include hard-to-remove ink so when you do stamp and burn your face, it also takes a long time to wash off.
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I’m thinking it will just be a tatoo.
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That works too.
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Your bitterness is bitterly inspiring! You have a bitter talent my bitter friend. Bitterly, Belinda, oh and a bitter Ben grin for you!
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Go put some of these into place and let me know if you come up with new Random Acts of Bitterness.
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I will bitterly make a bitter effort. Bitter grin
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Report back to me about your bitter failures.
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With bitterness, I will Sending a bitter smile.
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Bitter smiles are the best because they appear sincere, but there is a bitterness underneath. No one will see your bitterness coming.
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