Random Acts of Bitterness

Totally not photoshopped photo of a fortune I got when I was very young.  (1 day old.)

Totally not photoshopped photo of a fortune I got when I was very young. (1 day old.)

Most people I know want to make a difference in their lives.  I do too, but between my  B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness, my amusement park,Bitterland, this blog, which has the potential to be read by 10’s of people, and my Bittertising Agency I have multiple avenues to affect the people of this world.  Most people don’t have these vast resources at their disposal.  But you can make a difference.  And I am here to help you spread bitterness just like I do.

When thinking of inspiration for Random Acts of Bitterness, think of this pig, or your younger brother, or me.

When thinking of inspiration for Random Acts of Bitterness, think of this pig, or your younger brother, or me.

That is why I propose you start small by spreading Random Acts of Bitterness(or RAoB for short).  These can be done everyday in little ways.  All you have to do is think What Kind of Really Bitter Things Would Bitter Ben Do?  Or WKoRBTWBBD.  I find it helps to have really long acronyms that are almost as hard to remember as the real words are.  Or you can think of what a younger brother or sister would do to you as a child.  Something annoying, but not so annoying that they are going to squeal(like that pig above) to your parents because they will look whiny and your parents will ignore them.  For those not quite getting the picture here, or not creative in a bitter way like me, I have included some examples of ways you can spread the bitter in random ways.

– When doing a blog post, make sure you misspell a few words here and there.  It will drive some readers to bitterness, but they won’t point it out, as they don’t want to be percieved as grammar or spelling psychos.  Using words that are just slightly off or mixed metaphors are also things that drive readers to bitterness.

– In traffic, get one of those attachments to your car, that allow you to push a button that creates potholes (or for the benefit of our southerners chuckholes).  Also you can signal right and go left, drive just a little slower than the car behind you wants to go, make them try to pass, then when they do, speed up so they can’t get around you.  Makes em bitter everytime.

Find this guy and see if you can help him....get farther behind.

Find this guy and see if you can help him….get farther behind.

– In the office, find the busiest person in the department, ask if there is something you can do to help them, take the task and ignore it,  bring it back after it was due and tell them that after your all day internet searching, you couldn’t get to it and return the task.  Walk away before their flabergasting is able to take effect.

– On the phone, call random strangers and use your most official sounding voice and tell them that they have won a million dollars.  Give them a phone number they need to call, but leave out one of the digits and tell them they have 2 minutes to call or their house will be taken by the government for farmland.

– At work, find out the types of music people hate, and steal that music from the internet or run it on your internet random music player of choice.  Play the music just loud enough so that tunes will get in their head, but not loud enough to where they would complain.  Then when you leave for lunch, turn it up to just above unacceptable volume and lock your computer.  Come back the next day.

– Communicate with people in the method that they don’t prefer.  If someone wants you to fax, because they like the soothings sounds of a telephone being strangled, and because they don’t want to speak to you, call them and drone on about things until they can’t take it anymore and they ask for the info they need.  Just tell them you will fax it, and forget.

Another Random Act of Bitterness...Do a photo that only kind of relates.

Another Random Act of Bitterness…Do a photo that only kind of relates.

– Call someone and ask for a date.  If they accept(though this has never happened to me), immediately ask them what they want to do.  When they get flabbergasted(again with this word) about having to come with the ideas for the date, tell them you will see them at 8 this weekend and hang up.  Call them at 8 on one of those days and ask where they are and why haven’t they picked you up.

– Make delicious brownies for years.  Build up expectations about how good they are.  Make everyone around you envy your brownie making skills so much that they become bitter because you haven’t hosted a brownie party.  Then, finally relent to host a brownie party.  Make one good batch and offer tiny samples to guests as they arrive.  Then, pull out the batches made with salt.  Enjoy the bitter faces of guests as they choke them down while you say, “I know, my best brownie batch ever right?”

They looks sooooo gooood,  taste soooo salty.

They looks sooooo gooood, taste soooo salty.

– Tell you family that you have a surprise trip planned for them.  Leave hints all over the place.  For your wife, put a cruise on the credit card, then cancel after the bill comes in.  For your kids, buy all kinds of Disney memorabilia and pretend to hide them behind your back.  Throw it away after you leave.  Then when the big day comes and your family is packed for everything, tell them you are going to your 20 year high school reunion this weekend.  Take a picture of your bitter family vacation.

I could go on all day, but you should be getting the point by now.  Go out there and make the world a bitter place.  One act of Random bitterness at a time.   WKoRBTWBB.

Arrrrrghhhh

Bitter Random Ben

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77 thoughts on “Random Acts of Bitterness

  1. Pingback: The Bitter End…of the Year | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. I find convincing someone to tell you a protracted account of what they did at the weekend or what they do for a living and then after they’ve finished, saying ‘oh sorry, totally zoned out. What did you say?’ does nicely.

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    • That sounds like what I do all the time. Not only does it involve doing what I like to do best(zoning out), but it also makes the other person bitter. Except people I work with, of course, who love to hear their own voice.

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  6. End of day, tired, crabby, read this blog post…and I hate to tell you, I’m no longer bitter! Thanks, thanks a lot, now I’ve gotta wipe the smile off my face before I take the damned dog for a damned walk…jeez…

    (Thanks for visiting my blog today.)

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  7. The world is already a bitter place, but the bitterness is unfocused. For women, I think they should tell any good looking guy “no” when asked for a date.

    I’ve known guys who touted the benefits of dating them. They didn’t know what to do when I continued to say no. Take, for example, the guy from Libya with 4 wives back home. He attended the same college and had more girlfriends than days of the week. I wondered how he was able to find time to study. He was bitter about my refusal to risk unknown venereal diseases.

    Yes, we can make the world a better place at the same time we make it a bitter place.

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    • That guys sounded like a real charmer. All I know is that someone must have warned everyone about me, because everyone was so eager to say no to me. I think it was some of my most bitter moments other than all the rest.

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  8. This is SO exciting! If my random act of bitterness is to be TRULY random, it can’t be thought out ahead of time,right?. Meaning each and every moment is brimming with the potential to host the next bitter act. But, wait a sec. My eager anticipation of my next act of bitterness is beginning to taste kinda funny to me. DAMN! HOW COULD YOU? You’ve contaminated my blisteringly bitter life with the sweetness of eager anticipation. To be SO bitterly betrayed by Bitter Ben is beyond belief (ah . . . that’s better . . . the bitter taste is back)

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  9. Your misspellings do make me bitter, I agree. And for some reason, I want to make bacon brownies now. Bitterless ones. Methinks all the people at the cinema today read your blog, as they allowed their undisciplined children to shriek and yell like hyenas and shake seats and drop metal bowls of popcorn on the cement floor, so it was a sheer bitterness fest. If I could have elephant-darted them, I would have.

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  10. Inspired, Ben. I try to confuse bitter people with kindness, just for the look on their faces. Mind you, the lofty persons at Random Acts of Kindness threw me out of their club, so i must be secretly bitter.

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