I am actually lazy and I don’t care. I believe the word for that is bitter.
My bitterness goes to places most people don’t even think about. But, people can relate to me because I am also bitter about common things that everyone is bitter about too. For instance, I am the most bitter about the day we all call Tuesday, but I am also bitter about Mondays as well, like most other people. I just dig deeper than most to find just how bitter I am about every day of the week.
Of course not. Only eating less, exersizing and complaining a lot about things can prevent obesity. What kind of scientist came up with this theory?
If can’t really help you with the sceince of obesity or excersize because I am not a scientist, but I can help you in the ways of laziness. First step, find a very comfortable couch or recliner. Second, turn off all cellular and phone devices. Third find all six remote controls. Fourth, turn off the part of your brain that responds to things(other people, doorbell rings, etc.) Fifth, get horizontal. Sixth, turn on television to any non kid show related channel. Seventh, zone out. Either become such a zombie to what is being watched on the television that your eyes are open but nothing is registering or so zoned that your eyes close. Just make sure that when they are closed you aren’t dreaming about anything that makes you exert too much energy.
As witty as you are, you don’t want to acknowledge existence.
My bitter advice on social networks is save you witty remarks for yourself. Most people don’t have a sarcasm detector, and even if they do, they are witty enough to keep up with your wittiness. There are several scenerios that happen when you put a witty remark on someone “status”. One, they remark back with a “What are you talking about?” because they don’t understand sarcasm (on social networks this about 51% of people). Then there is the 5% that understand your wit, but not witty enough to retort back to you. You will recognize these people as ones that say, “LOL!” or “You are so funny!”, or the ones the just hit the thumb up button, but won’t reply back to the wit and engage in what the witty call “banter”. Then there are the rest of the people (if my math is correct that is 44%. There is no miscellanous because I say so.) These people do what we can’t do when in real life social situations. They are the ones that “ignore” our responses. They are the ones that I wish I could be in real life, or the one I would be if I ever posted statuses that people responded to.
And with that, I bid you a bitter day, because I don’t want to right anything anymore. My fingers are too tired and need a recliner.
Arrrghhhh
Bitter Monday blahhhs Ben
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I don’t get it. What do you mean? 😀
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Don’t worry, no one ever knows what I mean.
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Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll find the tangiest, saltiest boot and marry it and have a bunch of sour grapes Hmph. So there.
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Sour grapes barely even register on my bitter scale.
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Ahhhgg! I concede to you the King of bitter zings.
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“The 5% that understand your wit” Hahaha. I mean, that was stupid and now I’m bitter.
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Well aren’t we are superior. Oh wait, we aren’t supposed to fight tonight, because of your emptiness.
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Oh now you’re all thoughtful? Well, I’m feeling pretty damn full today. Full of mean bitterness so bring it.
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Now that you are full, let’s empty that fullness a little. How about we just add a little charcoal and light that fire of bitterness in you and do a fireworks display for Independence you day.
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Such venom! Such projected arrogance! How predictable. Is that all you got?
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Oh I’m sorry I am supposed to amuse you? Get some lemon and a papercut and marry them.
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Agree with not wasting your witty comments on social networks. They seem to always trigger some level of idiotic response in tohers
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It is a waste because there are not witty people on social networks, just bad commenters.
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Well today is Tuesday and you have helped me find all that is bitter about today. There are so many choices.
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I did a post about Tuesday many months ago and I couldn’t do the justice about how much I hate Tuesdays.
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Every time my Monday starts to go right, I make my way over to despair.com just to remind myself what a Monday should really be.
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I think you need to replace that despair.com with bensbitterblog.wordpress.com and you will be in the right place.
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Can I add food to the list of how to be lazy? (Which I love– both the list and food).
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Add away, my bitter Knick friend. If you can be a Knicks fan for so long you can certainly add food to the lazy list.
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And that is exactly why I am an anti-social asshole on Facebook and twitter. I embrace such bitterness wholeheartedly.
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I enjoy making comments that cause people silence, anger, bitterness, rage and any other non-positive emotion.
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You need some of my happy fairy dust sprinkled on ya. Soon you’ll sprout wings and a halo. 🙂
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No fairy dust, no halo or wings. You know how a really good bad guy makes a movie sing and a hero more heroic? I want to be the guy that makes the hero look good. And I want to have fun going down in flames.
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Hahaha! I’m laughing at the flame part. So dramatic Ben…sheesh. You mean like a villain? My man, Tom Hiddleston (who quickly replaced Ryan G.) plays a very good one. He’s a hot villain… 🙂
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Bad guys are usually pretty dramatic especially when it comes to dying.
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The more dramatic and bitter, the better!
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They make the movie. I will be a star that will have the most satisfying death…to others…in movies….
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Oscar worthy, I presume. Yes!!! Do you have your acceptance speech all ready? LOL
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I have a bitter speech prepared when I get my best male overactor award.
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Haha!
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This is all just SO funny. Where’s the little thumbs up?! Bitter about its lack. If you had that, I could have just not commented at all.
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You want a thumbs up? That’s called a like button. You hit that call all your friends tell them to do the same, and we all get famously bitter.
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Bitterer is always better. Seriously tho, there’s already a like button here and I use it!
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Now just tell all your friends about it.
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Done. When I get a moment I will repost a link to your FB. I hope everyone who feels offended by sarcasm and bitterness goes there and becomes extra bitter!
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That will grate…ing on their nerves.
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You forgot the percentage of people that interpret your sarcasm as literal, and therefore think you are always bitter, depressed, or angry about something. Those are my in-laws.
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I forget a lot of things. I always have hundreds of ideas and they get wittled down to stuff that I actually remember. Thanks goodness I have such readers that point out all my mistakes! By the way, sorry that your in-laws don’t have a sarcasm detector!
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Haha! Sorry to point out your mistake! Not how I meant it. I’m just bitter that people don’t appreciate my sarcasm. And I know you can appreciate my bitterness! 🙂
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I’m fine with you pointing out mistakes. Gives me a chance to refine my bitterness to a sharp, annoying point. Sarcasm is great, especially when other people actually understand it. I definitely understand your bitterness.
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You cannot be common. I am bitter that you are lying to your fans.
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I’m just being bitter that my fishing for compliments isn’t going better.
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I love banter. People who can’t banter make me bitter.
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It makes me want to hit myself in the head with a bitter stick.
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Office Space is one of the most wonderfully bitter movies of all time, especially for people spending all day within a maze of gray cubicle walls.
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Which I do. I can relate to their bitterness, but haven’t yet come up with a scheme to steal from my office while having someone else accidently burn it down. Maybe I need to get hypmotized.
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“All six remote controls…” Ha…that is so my parents house.
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You gotta have your input remote, your volume, your Bluray player, your VCR, your DVD, your channel changer, and your video game controller. It’s a hard job, but someone has to be the keeper of those.
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I tried to do the tv thing yesterday and watch a ‘Dexter’ marathon and the episodes weren’t in order. As I lay there confused and bitter (wait..what just happened. Who IS that? What?! isn’t that person dead? ” ) I became incReasingly bitter as I realized I already saw the ending before I knew it. Bitter? Oh yes…left to watch Americas Got Talent…yes. Bitter.
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I would feel pretty bitter if I was watching something out of order too. A show like Dexter anyways. If it was something like The office you can pretty much watch out of order and ruin much.
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You say you don’t want to “right” anymore ’cause your fingers are too tired. They DESERVE a rest (from “righting” the greatest wrong in this world: disrespect for our “right” to be bitter). If you intended that “right” to be “write,” in the words of Mark Twain “I don’t give a damn for a man who can only spell a word one way.” (and if you were just being witty: HOORAY FOR ME, I GOT IT!!!)
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You got that write! It was more because I was lazy and didn’t edit things. As far as Mark Twain, I don’t care about anything, let alone a misspelled wurd.
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*ponder* I’m not shure If I’m witty enough to comment this post…..
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I’m not even witty enough to comment on this post.
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RE: Being witty on social networks.
That’s what those witty virtual posters are for. 🙂
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IE Lazy witty.
I need to work for bitterness.com. They can just steal all the bitter wittinessisms from me that they want after that.
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I just ordered 2 t-shirts from despair.com, so there’s a market for your bitter witty.
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Dang it. I wanted to start my bitter shop, but my only potential customer was stolen by despair.com. So bitter!
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Hey BB, you’re so totally bitter I can’t keep with you. But no matter, where’s my BB guest post, eh?
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I was thinking about one last night, but I couldn’t decide. Plus you really strict policy of 500 words is very stifling. My posts are usually double that. Another reason for bitterness.
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Hey BB I’m not as strict as you think.
Write as long a piece as you want and we’ll go from there.
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Now the truth comes out. I will think about one tonight. Not sure how bitter I will be…I may even write from a different character voice.
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Different character eh? I could get very bitter about that but will wait and see…
My secretness is a well known fact btw.
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Let’s just say about 99% of me is Mr. Bitter, but there is one percent who is another emotion or two and it might come out while on another’s blog.
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Ok then. Can’t wait to see if I get Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde.
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It’ll be Dr. Bitter or Mr. Not quite as bitter.
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I’ve become very strict about who gets t bask in the glow of my witty remarks. (We’ll just say this is one of those times.)
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I would say that I feel lucky to be one of the few that gets to bask in the glow of your witty remarks, but first I’m bitter about witty, and second the glow really hurts my eyes.
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Lol you are so funny Ben!
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I see what you did there.
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Lets banter about it 😉
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I’m afraid I could never keep up with you..r banter.
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Social media is a bitter, bitter place of bravado and resume’s! I wish some one would put witty stuff out there that I could respond to–please someone! A simple observation is so much more fun than what you made for dinner! Jeez…I am more bitter than I thought!
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I would make witty responses that got ignored on your Facebook, but I’ve not been authorized to be your Facebook enemy yet.
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I can change that!
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How could you change that?
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I could except a witty but bitter friend (enemy) request
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K, I’m just warning you that your overwhelmingly positive Facebook will start getting really bitter snarky remarks, if you do so.
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Whoo! Hooo!!!! Can’t wait!
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I did it like yesterday.
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Thank you. I can now be sufficiently bitter for the rest of the week, even though I was already pretty bitter about having to get up and go to work this morning.
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There’s nothing like going into work and having a terrible Monday to then realize you have a Tuesday to look forward to as a reward for making it through Monday.
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Tuesday is most definitely the most bitter day of the week. Worse than Monday for sure.
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The bitterest day of the week for me. And now…..we are in it. Noooo!!!
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Curses! And already the day is crawling by…
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A bitter curse to you Tuesday! When we take over the world we will ban Tuesday to the dark corner of the universe with all the good guys so they can suffer an eternal Tuesday.
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That sounds like can excellent plan. We are definitely making that a thing.
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Tuesdays will be banished forever!
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Cue evil laughter.
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Muhahahah muhahah.
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Happy Monday! 🙂
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No thanks!
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