Lazy Saturday Bitterness

I have an ambitious list today.

I have an ambitious list today.

I am an ambitious person when it comes to not doing things and being lazy.  While I don’t have time during the week (Monday-Friday) to do laziness, I do my best to plan for it during work hours.  Obviously, I try to keep work to a minimum at my job.  No need to get too stressed about it.  I do, however, do my best to “appear” busy, typing, focusing my face to look like I’m reading emails, moving the mouse back and forth.  Getting up in a rush with two pieces of paper that look important, viciously scribbling words on a piece of paper, putting things in a manilla folder, or “filing”.  Randomly doing things like that have become almost too easy.  The hardest part of the week is the planning for my lazy Saturday.

Lazy Wednesdays aren't allowed yet, but I am working on it.

Lazy Wednesdays aren’t allowed yet, but I am working on it.

Here are the things I do in advance in order to create the most efficient lazy Saturday:

1. Food – I need to eat something fattening or heavy that will carry over to Saturday in order to make me feel lethargic.  It has to be just the right balance of nutrition  thats make you feel like crap, but not so crappy that you want to exercise.

2. Clothes – You have to plan out just the right outfit to wear the next day.  It should be a shirt that is a few sizes too big, and the right type of sweatpants that you feel comfortable in, but just barely presentable enough in case you have to leave.

Proper Lazy Saturday attire.

Proper Lazy Saturday attire.

3. Hair – Hair should be short enough so that 1) you don’t have to comb it, 2) you don’t have to go to the haircut store to get it cut.

4.  Personal Grooming – You should wear anti-persperant that lasts two days.  As far as the deoderant not lasting, that is other people’s problems.   They were the ones that decided to come too close to you on lazy Saturday.

5. House cleaning.  Do all this on Friday or some other day that isn’t Saturday.  Make sure that everything you need are placed within two feet of your Lazyboy so the only effort you have to make is to reach a few feet.  I know that even that is rough, but a sacrifice for playing video games, watching tv and leaning way back on the pulling up the foot rest.

6. Yard work.  If you do have this, make sure it is poorly done on another day.

7. Kids – If they have friends, make sure you teach them how to use phones as early in their lives as possible.  Teach them simple phrases like, “Can I come over to your house all day?” and “I really like your parents and want to spend time at your house all day getting to know them better.”  I taught mine those phrases when they first learned how to talk.

8. Spouse or significant other – Tell them you appreciate all the hard work they do all week and say, “Why don’t you go spoil yourself today and do some window shipping with your best friend all day.”  Or, “How about you go to the Old Film Festival, you know, the free outdoor all day one?”

9. The phone.  Figure out how to get that ringer thing to turn off.  Cell phones, land lines, etc.  Make all your crucial calls with your annoying friends and family on other days.  Make sure you imply that you have “so much to do” on Saturday when they ask about your weekend plans.

10.  Your eyes.  Your eyes are going to be going through a strenuous period of being closed for long periods of time.  They may wake up to view things like tv, video games and the back of your eyelids.  If you need to get some eye drops make sure you get them on Friday.

Not a proper lazy Saturday activity.

Not a proper lazy Saturday activity.

It makes me bitter to have to plan all these things on other days, but in the end it is worth it to make sure you can avoid as many movements as possible.  Clearly it shouldn’t be this much work for you to get your ill-earned Saturday laziness, but laziness isn’t easy.  And there is always that work and family avoidance you can do on Monday.


Bitter Lazzz… Ben


75 thoughts on “Lazy Saturday Bitterness

  1. Pingback: Computer Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. Again with the out loud, smirking, laughter! Loved this entry! Especially just having come in from numerous mind-numbing chores….a bit bitter about your working at being lazy. Must try that soon.


  3. I wish that’s how I spent my Saturday yesterday… Instead, I was cleaning every which way, and of course you heard about the plumbing fiasco. Today I’m still cleaning, but about to play video games for the first time in…. 3 months?

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is about time you play video games. I think you need to stop working so hard at cleaning and start working hard at lazying. It is the real productive thing you can do. Working at one of your 7 deadly sins.


      • Now that I’m only working every third Saturday I’ve had to actually think up fun things to do. This amuses me greatly but I’m almost done with a portrait of a Japanese Garden!

        I think I’m losing my mind. But at least I served Genghis Khan yesterday! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  4. You have inspired me through de-inspirational motivation to take my one day off, for the next four plus weeks, and cut my damn grass. I hope you’re happy with yourself.
    That day off is tomorrow. I will enjoy a $10 plastic pool party with my dog afterwards.

    Over and out.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Went to Duck, North Carolina with the family. Was going to write and tell you when I got back on Wednesday, but just didn’t want to. I was going to write earlier today, but I got a hangnail, and decided it wasn’t worth the effort. My son and daughter in law are having our first grandchild. I am excited. Rah. I hate other people’s grandchildren pictures. We were at the beach. I hate the beach. I hate sand. I hate salt water. They had a pool. I hate the pool. I hate chlorinated water. They had a hot tub. It wasn’t plugged in. I hate cold hot tubs. I had a lousy time. It was great to see the kids. I miss them when they go home to Chicago. We ate too much. Now I’m fatter than ever. I hate being fat. I can’t wait for it to be Sunday. I hate Saturday. Did you even notice I was gone?


    • Sounds like you are pretty bitter. I would be bitter if I went to a place like Duck, NC and spent a day on the beach in a cold, hot tubbed beach. You need to work harder in avoiding other people so you can have your bitter weekend to yourself.


  6. Why 2 day deodorant or changing out of your pajamas? If you want the full bitter experience, live alone so you can have a lazy weekend without ever brushing your teeth, changing clothes or answering the phone. 🙂


  7. I would not call what you are doing LAZY. It’s CREATIVE RELAXATION. Besides it’s a Holiday, and we all deserve to “chill-lax” . I look at it as a “MENTAL Health Day”. If anyone knows what it’s like to be MENTAL, it’s me! 🙂


    • It’s where you get these two soup cans, cut out little holes and attach them. One person talks on one side and another can hear on the other. It’s similar to the cell phone, except a lot more expensive.


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