I am an ambitious person when it comes to not doing things and being lazy. While I don’t have time during the week (Monday-Friday) to do laziness, I do my best to plan for it during work hours. Obviously, I try to keep work to a minimum at my job. No need to get too stressed about it. I do, however, do my best to “appear” busy, typing, focusing my face to look like I’m reading emails, moving the mouse back and forth. Getting up in a rush with two pieces of paper that look important, viciously scribbling words on a piece of paper, putting things in a manilla folder, or “filing”. Randomly doing things like that have become almost too easy. The hardest part of the week is the planning for my lazy Saturday.
Here are the things I do in advance in order to create the most efficient lazy Saturday:
1. Food – I need to eat something fattening or heavy that will carry over to Saturday in order to make me feel lethargic. It has to be just the right balance of nutrition thats make you feel like crap, but not so crappy that you want to exercise.
2. Clothes – You have to plan out just the right outfit to wear the next day. It should be a shirt that is a few sizes too big, and the right type of sweatpants that you feel comfortable in, but just barely presentable enough in case you have to leave.
3. Hair – Hair should be short enough so that 1) you don’t have to comb it, 2) you don’t have to go to the haircut store to get it cut.
4. Personal Grooming – You should wear anti-persperant that lasts two days. As far as the deoderant not lasting, that is other people’s problems. They were the ones that decided to come too close to you on lazy Saturday.
5. House cleaning. Do all this on Friday or some other day that isn’t Saturday. Make sure that everything you need are placed within two feet of your Lazyboy so the only effort you have to make is to reach a few feet. I know that even that is rough, but a sacrifice for playing video games, watching tv and leaning way back on the pulling up the foot rest.
6. Yard work. If you do have this, make sure it is poorly done on another day.
7. Kids – If they have friends, make sure you teach them how to use phones as early in their lives as possible. Teach them simple phrases like, “Can I come over to your house all day?” and “I really like your parents and want to spend time at your house all day getting to know them better.” I taught mine those phrases when they first learned how to talk.
8. Spouse or significant other – Tell them you appreciate all the hard work they do all week and say, “Why don’t you go spoil yourself today and do some window shipping with your best friend all day.” Or, “How about you go to the Old Film Festival, you know, the free outdoor all day one?”
9. The phone. Figure out how to get that ringer thing to turn off. Cell phones, land lines, etc. Make all your crucial calls with your annoying friends and family on other days. Make sure you imply that you have “so much to do” on Saturday when they ask about your weekend plans.
10. Your eyes. Your eyes are going to be going through a strenuous period of being closed for long periods of time. They may wake up to view things like tv, video games and the back of your eyelids. If you need to get some eye drops make sure you get them on Friday.
It makes me bitter to have to plan all these things on other days, but in the end it is worth it to make sure you can avoid as many movements as possible. Clearly it shouldn’t be this much work for you to get your ill-earned Saturday laziness, but laziness isn’t easy. And there is always that work and family avoidance you can do on Monday.
Bitter Lazzz… Ben
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