As an esteemed (that is another word for bitter right?) member of this society of Americans, by way of being born, I have the right of free speech. The Bills of the Right Constitutions tells me so. You bitter believe that I am going to full advantage of this and abuse it to the best of my blogabilities. There are other priveleges that I have earned not at all like owning a small wedge sized piece of property where I can completely ruin my lawn with my special kind of neglect, and leave a rusted out car on my front lawn. I also have the ability to annoy neighbors by making sounds just a few decible levels above what they think of as comfortable, but just below them calling the cops or them coming over and cutting my house down slowly with a chainsaw. Oh, and the right to put things just that overhang on their property that irritate them so much that they will allow their dogs to bark all night until just before I wake up.
Americans unite about things like speech and property, but the one thing they can’t unite on is a time zone. For goodness sake, we can’t agree to all be in the east time zone? says everyone in the east time zone. As a rap historian, I can tell you that the east/west coast rap rivalry of the 90’s (which we know doesn’t exist at all now) was started because they couldn’t agree on when the live Dancing with the Stars should air. Even though it is taped by the West Coast rappers in California, the East Coast rappers wanted to watch at 8 pm. So the West Coast rappers who are filming the show are forced to watch the show on their big screen TV’s in their cars on the way home in traffic gridlock. Do you have any idea how hard it is to not get a speeding ticket when you are watching a live show in your car?
It’s not bad enough that there is an East/West time battle. There are also two time zones in the middle. Someone was bitter enough to invented the Central and Mountain time zones. Because of the central time zone we have those annoying “The season finale of Revenge 8/7 central.” And as far as I know, television doesn’t exist in the mountain time zone, because no ever says the time for them. Television should be “8 eastern/7 central/6 mountain/5 Pacific.”
I’m always really bitter when I get to work for every reason ever, but one of the worst things is knowing that when I first get here at 6 am, the bitter east coast people have already made it to their first break at 9, when I make it to my first break at nine they are already having lunch and they are sitting in bitter traffic fuming, while I am trying to wake from my afternoon
nap break. If I hear one more story about how people are counting the seconds before they have to go home, while I am counting the hours, I am going to throw my time zone portal at them and make them go back to the past 3 hours every day at 5 pm. Besides, their stories lack any sort of character development, the plot is a little too lacking, and the dialogue seems a little stilted.
That is just in the United States. Don’t anyone dare live anywhere else in the world. My parents (hope you don’t read my blog) are in Mongolia. Don’t even get me started on guessing what day or time zone they live in. Their favorite thing to do is miscalculate the time zone difference and call me at 2 oclock in morning and make me think there is an emergency (they have old people hips that might get thrown) and say, “We were just at lunch and wanted to call and let you know that it was really good. We had Mongolian food again today!” and then say, “Just wanted to check up on you. So what time is it there? Did we wake you and the kids up? Ulan Bator out!” At least they don’t ask about the Dancing with the Stars finale, cause I don’t know yet. Call someone in South Carolina for that.
On a Ben’s Bitter Blog programming note, there are only precious few hours left to get the Awareness out for Bitterness. Keep posting those bitter blogs and complaining to your co-workers bitterly and making up buttons and bumper stickers to put on your car (buttons for the car, bumper stickers to put on your shirt). Just remember that it ends at midnight (or 3 am eastern and uh 2 central and mountain at 6 pm and Mongolia ended like three days ago…).
Arrrghhhh, I give up. It ends…uh later sometime or never.
Ben really confused about time zones
- Bitter Awareness Week (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter News with Pictures (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Wanted: Bitter Rival to Share Bitter Feud with (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)