The Bitterest Place on Earth – Part 3 Epcot Edition

I'm going to get out my Giant Golf Club and whack this thing to the other side of Disney.

I’m going to get out my Giant Bitter Golf Club and whack the the happiness out of  Disney.

Each of the four Disney Parks have a symbol of the park, essentially not only the theme of the park, but also the center of the park.  Magic Kingdom is of course the princess castle, Animal Kingdom is a big tree (yes, a tree), Disney Studios(which we will talk about later) is the Magic Hat that Mickey wears in Fantasia, and Epcot’s is a big silver Golf Ball.  It made me want to grow to the size of a giant, grab a giant golf club and whack that thing to the other side of Disney.  Then maybe I could get some of my bitterness out.

Epcot is basically a schizophrenic; 50% future, 50% the countries of the world and 100% educational.  Basically it was Animal Kingdom on 5 hour energy learning.  Epcot was the giant golfer of teaching and we were the golf ball students(I am actually more of a goof ball, okay back to the point) getting wacked over the head with the learning.

He looks like this because I whacked him on the head with a Disney Golf Club.  If he doesn't get the tolls changed it gonna get worse.

Speaking of getting whacked on the head, he looks like this because Happy Gilmore(the golf ball whacker guy) whacked him on the head with the Disney Golf Club. If he doesn’t get the tolls changed, it’s gonna get worse.

Schizo area number one was the future.  We got to learn about energy with Ellen Degeneres (pre-talk show Ellen) and Bill Nye the science guy.  I am pretty bitter about Bill Nye the science guy, not only because he ryhmes his name with his occupation, but because he is the guy in the advertisments in Seattle concerning the tolls on one of our freeways.  As you will learn later, tolls make me bitter so by extension, so does Bill Nye.  Instead of talking about energy Bill Nye, maybe you should just pay for our freeways so we don’t have to pay tolls.  I mean they must have paid you a good sum to make this energy film with Ellen, right?

Gary Sinise.  Is this the face of someone we can trust to land us safely on Mars?

Gary Sinise. Is this the face of someone we can trust to land us safely on Mars?

We had just enough  energy to go on a journey to Mars with that guy from CSI NY, Gary Sinise (thanks for that Google).   Gary Sinise is a bad guy in a Mel Gibson movie.  If you have the ability to make us cheer in a movie for Mel Gibson, then you are most certainly a bad guy.  I don’t care what you do in the future, whether it is to save the citizens of NY from crime scenes or are the command tower guy in this Mars ride, my kids can’t trust you.  We definitely can’t trust you to get us safely to Mars.  Of course I was right.  The mission went wrong and Gary Sinise was sitting there calmly in his ivory tower (or command center) with his sinister grin, telling us that we would be alright as we are crashing into Mars.  Let’s just say we aren’t going to invite that dude to my kids birthday parties.

I can't wait to be I can tell humans how bad they are at the circle of life.

I can’t wait to be king…so I can tell humans how bad they are at the circle of life.

Speaking of bad birthday parties, this park of all the parks in the greater Florida area, had the least amount of rides.  Unless you count this building called The Land where we got to do one slow boat ride called Living with the Land, where we got to see plants.  That’s right, we got to do a tour of a Disney Greenhouse where they were growing plants.  I might have mentioned before that I don’t like paying for things that I could see in my backyard.  Maybe it would have been okay if they were mutant plants that talked or Venus flytraps that kidnapped you on a 4D adventures through space, but this was a ride to see a garden.  But even better was the Lion King Circle of Life guilt trip show where we got a lecture from Simba about humans destroying the earth and not being a part of the circle of life.  We even got our own villanous soundtrack music.  It was great.

Let us not forget the second part of Epcot’s schizophrenia.  Like I mentioned in my post yesterday, Disney has the magic ability to represent a country in a small space.  We got Canada which was represented by a movie and a store that sold hockey jerseys.  France was represented by a movie and a store that sold berets.  America was represented by a movie and a restaurant that sold hot dogs.   China was represented by a movie and a restaurant that sold, yes Chinese food.  Luckily we were able to make it all the way to Norway where we would be able to get to go on a Viking Boat Journey, one of the only rides in the whole Showcases of the World.  But, the bitter curse would rear its bitter head and after waiting only 20 minutes, we were told the ride was closed down and wouldn’t be available until tommorow.  Yeah, no real rides today!  Just what roller coaster riding person wants to hear!

How hard would it be to make one of these in XXL?

How hard would it be to make one of these in XXL?

Luckily we completed the whole country tour and were able to look at some of the souvenir stores for shirts that might be funny, like a Doofenshmirtz shirt from Phineas and Ferb.  He is the funniest, gadget creating, evil genius villian in all of cartoondom.  If there was anywhere on earth that I would be able to find a funny T-shirt of him it would be right here in a Disney park where Perry the Platypus was featured.  And since Disney employees are the happiest, joyfulest, people on earth and it is almost Christmas they would be especially happy to help me right?

Me: “Do you have and Doofenshmirtz shirts in XXL?”

Employee: “No.” and then she walked away.

Me: “Um, wait, uh, do you have any Doofenshmirtz…”  Why am I talking anymore?  She walked away.

So what did we learn today?  My feet are 75% ready to go to the feet graveyard and came back in ghostly form, countries are made real by a 15-30 minute film and Doofenshmirtz only comes in S-XL.

Well, at least we are trying something new tommorow.  We are going to Universal Islands of Adventure. There should be no bitterness tommorow right…?


Bitter Ben


28 thoughts on “The Bitterest Place on Earth – Part 3 Epcot Edition

  1. My other favorite thing about Disney.
    The steak house in the Canadian place at Epcot. Yes, one of my favorite things about Disney was a freaking steak, but I swear to all that is good in this world….It’s was DELICIOUS. O.o

    And a little side note. My mom is obsessed with that Bill Nye/Ellen Degeneres thing. I hate animatronics and the only thing my mom wants to do at Disney is look at the animatronic dinosaurs……………………..


    • The steak may have been good, but to me it wouldn’t be worth paying the admission to get into that park. The one thing I was looking forward to was the Japanese shop. When we went there several years before, I had found a transformers hockey jersey and it was so awesome that every time I wore it, I would either get a compliment on it or someone would ask me where I got it. But when we went back this time, nothing. I was so bitter again.


        • The souvenir shops were pretty bad and way overpriced. There wasn’t anything in my size and I’m sure that even if there was, it would have been cheaply made. It seemed like all the gift shops had the same things as every other one in the whole Disney.


  2. Pingback: The Bitter End…of the Year | Ben's Bitter Blog

  3. I have secretly been informed that Disneyland employees marry each other and raise their children in private Disney schools. As such an insular community, they necessarily have a resilience to ‘outsiders’. I believe that explains much of this post.


  4. Pingback: Bitterland | Ben's Bitter Blog

  5. When I went to Disney as a kid Epcot was actually one of the strangest, scariest places I’ve ever been. I didn’t get it. I still don’t. It’s like where national origin stereotypes go to die.


  6. Gary Sinise. Such a familiar face, such an unfamiliar name. People must be walking up to him all the time saying “hey, you’re some guy I saw on TV” and he just bares his teeth like a jackal before loping off. I feel for the guy.


  7. Well that’s dumbtarded they don’t have the Doofenshmirtz shirts in all sizes… that’s ok a grown adult doesn’t really need a cartoon shirt anyway (and it’s all about Perry). Thank you for letting me know of the post, I am ready to beat my head against the wall, we were supposed to get out at noon and then it got changed to 3… I suspect it might be even later than that! Why oh why is this week so boring… I want to fight with a clerk. I would be really mad if she just walked away from me.

    I laughed my ass off at this part “It made me want to grow to the size of a giant, grab a giant golf club and whack that thing to the other side of Disney.” I can see myself wanting to do the same thing.


    • I love your combo word dumbtarded. I often make up combo words too. And yes a grown adult with kid tendencies does need a Doof shirt. As awesome as Perry is, Doof is the one that makes that show for me.
      Good luck on growing to be a giant!


        • I kept trying to find bitter ears, but those are only sold somewhere outside of Orlando. Like I said, bitterness is not allowed in the parks. However, there is grumpiness allowed, but only as comic relief in Snow White. I tried to get one of his T-shirts, but wasn’t allowed.


      • I have been working on growing to the size of a giant for oh so long… I think it will not happen. You can like whoever you want to on the show, whatever gets you through watching it with your kids and not flipping out about how cheesy a lot of those shows on Disney Channel are. 🙂

        Dumbtarded is used so often in my vocab I hardly realized it wasn’t a word.


        • I have some magic beans that will help you grow. If you forward me your bank account information I will send you them straight away.

          As far as kid shows, I did a post on them not too long ago. I think that most kids on kids shows are terrible because they have such stupid parents that coddle them. Get down and give me 50 push ups is more like it!


    • Ummmmmm does that bank account thing ever work?

      I think they are horrible because most of the time the kids overact, along with laugh tracks, the best shows are those that have no parents at all… then it is believable that a child could behave a certain way or do things that a parent would never allow them to do, otherwise it’s too far removed from reality. Though I am a kid at a heart and many kids shows make me giggle with a childlike innocence however recent Disney shows do not. Maybe it is because there is a tween in the household now, so I no longer have to think like a seven year old.


      • Yes the bank account thing works! As long as someone gives me their bank account number…

        I know what you are talking about with the kids trying to hard to be funny. Examples of the over sellers: Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place, Good Luck Charlie, Jesse, and those twins on the boat. They all oversell the humor. Subtle humor is the best. As if I don’t have enough Disney bitterness to talk about, now I have more!
        I saw your blog today and read it. I have a hard time walking out on movies, because I wouldn’t have something to whine about.

        By the way, check out installment 4 on my blog today(the Universal edition) in case you haven’t had the chance. Just make sure the boss doesn’t catch you!


        • It takes A LOT for me to walk out of a movie… like I have to be so pissed off I want to punch things to get to that point.

          I loved Wizards of Waverly Place, I felt like it was the show I had been waiting for Disney to create… but for the most part I like the shows that have adult humor and kid humor in one.

          Did you write bad things my boss will be mad about?!


        • I just didn’t know if your boss was the kind like mine that doesn’t like slacking and using the internet while working. Wizards of Waverly Place was alright I guess. My new favorite is over on the Cartoon Network, though, Regular Show. It is pretty funny and I enjoy it because they are slackers like me that like to play video games. Plus they mix in a lot of adult humor that my kids don’t get.


      • I don’t really know how he feels about it, I am a receptionist so my job is a bit lax, as long as I do what I am supposed to before I mess around I think its ok?! I have no idea. I usually copy and paste what you have written into word… looks better than having Disneyland all over my screen.

        HAHAHA you don’t have to like it just cause I like it. I have never heard of that show in my life… Disney Channel is what it seems to be stuck on that tv of mine. I like iCarly too, but that took a LONG time for me to like, I think it got beaten into me. My favorite is the Simpsons hands down… but not so much the new Simpsons, classic Simpsons are the best.


        • I’ve gotta say I am relieved that I don’t have to like Wizards of Waverly Place. I now retract my statement on liking it. I do like the Simpsons. They had a pretty awesome ride at Universal that even my kids liked. I think that is my last post.


  8. I Always wanted to go here when I was a kid but sense I would feel much the same as you do were I to go now. What movie represented Canada by the way? I hope it was FUBAR (if you’re not familiar, please google)


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