Bitterest Place on Earth – Universal Islands of Adventure Edition Part 4

This is like Universal, if the cars were people.

This is like Universal, if the cars were people.

Today is January 2nd, or as I like to call it, everyone returns from vacation to school and work day.  Everyone is all bitter because they don’t want to return to work or school and they take it out on me.  They drive their cars on the road that I was so used to owning for two weeks.  For instance on Monday, on the way home, I was able to drive distracted, messing with my Ipod, texting on my phone and driving with my knees.  I was even able to avoid eye contact with the road and other drivers.  But today, there were other drivers on the road that I had to concentrate on not hitting.   If only there weren’t any other people I could have so much more fun.  Just like traffic, Universal Islands of Adventure would have been more fun.

This wouldn't be the only disaster this day.

This wouldn’t be the only disaster this day.

We finally decided to change things up (because we are wild and crazy like that) and went to a non-Disney park.  Maybe it would be different and exciting and less expensive.  So we followed the GPS along International Boulevard past an upside down disaster building restaurant, and the Ripley’s Believe it or Not restaurant, which tilted and also looked like a disaster.  We arrived in the parking garage and of course, another disaster happened. That’s right, parking was more money than at Disney! What a Disaster!

My lazy and tired feet would be in for a treat, as unlike Disney, there were escalators that took us to those moving sidewalks, which would then take us to the part of the park where they searched our bags, and there would be more moving sidewalks to get us to the gate where we could pay.  But apparantly the bitter curse was alive at Universal as well. The moving sidewalks weren’t working so I had to see them there taunting me, giving me a hope of a lazy 30 seconds where sad, bitter feet could rest, but only if those things would work!  Another disaster!

Finally in the park we had heard about some actual roller coaster rides, so we decided to see which ones were more popular and then get some “Fast Passes”.  You know like at Disney where you get a pass now, and then later you can take cuts in line and watch all the other bitter people watch in envy as you get on without effort while they wait for hours?  So I noticed a sign that showed an “Express Pass” which I assumed was the same as Fast Passes at Disney.  The only difference was the name and one more thing.  Oh yeah, about $70.  Disney let’s you do it for free, but Universal lets you do it for only 70% of a ticket.  I’m no cheap skate (actually I am) but paying $70 for a pass(I believe that was per person) that let’s you cheat seems like a little much.  Especially for someone like me who just cheats for free. Disaster!

Since my kids are only scared of rides that moved over 2 miles an hour, ones that are in the dark, ones that would get them wet, or that are loud, we had to skip the Hulk Ride.   But my son loves Spiderman, so we convinced him to try the Spiderman 3d ride, a mild ride that both my kids didn’t like.  There is no better way to enjoy a ride, than to spend the whole ride ensuring your kids that it isn’t scary, while real life fire shoots out of one of the villians.  So as excited as I was to try another ride in Superhero park, we decided to move to another milder part of the park.

Toon Lagoon had those comic bubble signs above our heads that we could take our pictures with.  One of them said, “I am going to need a vacation from my vacation.”  Okay, now I am a little scared.  They do psychic readings here? I wonder what it would have said had my feet been under the bubble.  “You will kill your master for making you do so much.”  So I decided that my feet would get to be lazy for a minute and we would find a ride.

Since it was early, there was a ride called Dudley Do-right’s Ripsaw Falls.  It promised to get you wet.  I laughed.  (Probably like that lame sprinkling we got in the Animal Kingdom ride.)   My wife told me to go for it, she would wait with the kids (you know they didn’t want to get wet).  So I gave them my backpack and kept only my cell phone and wallet(you know things that would be fine if I only got a sprinkling.)  There is nothing that makes a ride more enjoyable than worrying about damaging your cellphone and soaking every dollar in your wallet.  (It’s not like I would have any dollars left after this trip.) Needless to say, I escaped the ride only slightly more soaked than Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.  Of course, I chose to wear my jean shorts.  I have done laundry a few times in my life and I’m pretty sure that jeans are the ones that take the longest to dry.  After this day, I had no doubt.  Disaster jeans!

I was only slightly more soaked than this at the end of Dudley Do-Right Buzz Saw Falls.

I was only slightly more soaked than this at the end of Dudley Do-Right Ripsaw Falls.

As I slowly dried off in the few sunny spots I could find, we found a ride that would give us a tour of Jurassic Park.  Yeah!  That would be fun, and the kids most certainly wouldn’t be scared of dinosaurs running amok.  We convinced them that it was similar to another ride they liked,(not sure which) so they reluctantly agreed.  We got on and realized that it was another raft one.  So by the end I was soaked again and would not be dry for the rest of the day.  More like Disaster Park!

As a soaked Harry Potter Fan like almost everyone in the world (the fan part, not the soaked part) I was excited to enter the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Just like the traffic on January 2nd, it seemed as if the rest of the world was on the freeway of Harry Potter Land.  There is nothing cooler than being with all these people that you can’t stand, because for some reason they like something that you do.   Some had robes, some had wands, some were drinking butter beer or pumpkin juice (some adults were probably drinking the fire whiskey).   I guess I didn’t get the memo about the dress code, because I was only wearing wet jean shorts.  I rode the dragon ride while my kids bought a wand and stood in line with my bitter curse for the Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey.  It took 30 minutes for the magic of Harry Potter to overcome my bitterness.  Luckily, my bitterness spread, because a bunch of people left the line.  I am pretty sure I want to punch that Sorting Hat as I had to listen to him almost as much as Mr. Potato Head(He’s another day, another bitterness).

We rushed away from Potterland, not because we wanted to leave, but all the people.  We ended up in some place called the Lost Continent.  I think lost is the appropriate word because my kids found this talking fountain that was witty and told jokes and they could have been there the whole day listening to this thing.  A whole park worth of crazy awesome rides and my kids want to talk to the talking fountain.  And I must say that this fountain was more sarcastic and funny than all the people in all the parks.  Does this explain why I don’t like people?

Of all the people that I met, this one was the most sarcastic and funny.  And it wasn't even a person.

Of all the people that I met, this one had the most personality.  And it wasn’t even a person.

We (I) felt bad about hogging all the rides while my kids didn’t to do the kid rides, so we finally made our way to the Dr. Suess part of the park and pretty much spent the rest of the day there.  They had a play called Grinchmas, you know because it was Christmas.  I love The Grinch because he is my kind of guy, bitter about all the Who’s and stuff down in Whoville.  Unfortunately, they changed the ending, because the Grinch learns a lesson about sharing and caring about others.  Why did they have to change the ending?

It was a great bitter story until the end.  Why did they change the end to be happy?

It was a great story until the bitter end. The Grinches heart grew?  Why?  And why did he give the gifts back?  On a side note, this girl grew up to be a bitter person on Gossip Girl and real life.  Guess she switched with the Grinch.

So what did we learn from the Day 4 Universal Studios disaster?  Universal would have been awesome if there weren’t people, jeans take a long time to dry, and they change the ending of the Grinch to be happy.  Haven’t we learned that we shouldn’t mess with the endings on classics? Oh, and disasters don’t come just in theme restarants and movies.

Well at least we get to close the loop on the Disney Parks tommorow.  Maybe Disney Studios will be different right?


Bitter Ben


15 thoughts on “Bitterest Place on Earth – Universal Islands of Adventure Edition Part 4

  1. My one stipulation about going down to Orlando this last time was that I HAD to go to the Harry Potter thing. I HAD TO.
    And I’m not going to tell you how close I was to crying about not being able to go into Ollivanders (PEOPLE), or how many times I had to listen to my dad to tell me to, “Go home and find a stick.”

    Btw…that Hulk ride almost ruined my entire trip down there. I have a bad neck and that was SERIOUSLY the biggest piece of garbage roller coaster ever. I was down for the rest of the day. It was horrible.


    • The Harry Potter thing was definitely one of the highlights. I did the two rides in there, while my family waited. The dragon ride was unbelievable, while the other one was pretty good, but it broke down so I had to wait a long time. I wanted to experience the rest of it, but my family wanted to move along. They liked the stupid talking stone statue. They would have spent the whole day there is we would have let them.
      I also got dreched on the Dudley Do Right ride.


      • I did the dragon one, but I didn’t do the one in Hogwarts. Stood in line for about……45 minutes (which I’m not okay with after not-waiting at Disney), then…I’m PRETTY SURE it broke down then as well. Got out of line and called it a day. I honestly can’t remember much about that day (apart from buying my cousin a sneakoscope) because I was so freaking upset over Ollivanders.
        Then again…that Hulk ride probably jolted my head so badly that it affected my memory.
        I think I’ve said I have a bad memory as it is…


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  3. My kids also like Spiderman. I try to encourage their bitterness when they’re watching TV by explaining that if he was a real spider, he would be firing silk out of his spinnerets.

    I didn’t explain the bit about private parts dropping off, because i want them to keep their interest in science.


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  5. Of course you were smart enough to not wear jeans! I’ve never been accused of being smart! I actually enjoyed the bitter, not as friendly employee at Universal. The Disney ones made me want vomit with all their sweetness.


  6. I learned that I love Butter Beer and drinking out of my overpriced mug at home brings a smile to my face. I learned that employees at Universal aren’t as overly friendly (or friendly at all really) as the ones at Disney. And, I learned that I am a total wimp on rides where I get soaked although I was smart enough not to wear jeans. 😉


  7. I thought the point of the fast pass was to get you out of the line for a while, so you waste your time on other rides… how could they charge for that?!

    Since my kids are only scared of rides that moved over 2 miles an hour, ones that are in the dark, ones that would get them wet, or that are loud hahahahhahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahhahHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAhahahahahahahah awesome.

    When I was young we went to Sea World, my Mom had a new hat the size of Texas on her head and we sat in the “Splash Zone.” Mom said “It can’t possibly be that bad.” After thirty mins of Shamu spitting water all over us in the “Splash Zone” I was laughing my ass off and my Mom was practically crying. Know that your children probably loved every second of it.
    The fountain is like boxes… kids play with the expensive toy boxes and not the toy itself.
    I didn’t know that little who girl is the crazy girl that imploded on gossip girl. She really pissed her carrier away.


    • I seriously think they just want to make more money. Because a park is expensive to maintain. But they already charge $15 for parking, and a ton more for entry, plus you know if you want to eat, you have to pay more money for that.

      I’m really sorry your mom didn’t believe the Splash Zone like I didn’t. We are both just suckers I guess. I guess I know what it takes to make a grown woman cry. Get her hat wet. And laugh at her while it is happening…Wow, you are pretty coldhearted 🙂

      Yeah, most of those people got famous because of the show and she just wanted to wear racoon makeup. I guess some people get famous too early.


      • I was like six… it was freaking hilarious and the hat was soooo ugly. I hated it, she knew that.

        Some people do get famous too early, I think that actors should have one or two roles, then step down. I seriously do not want to see another Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman… on and on movie again. They need to step down and make room for new talent, and that might actually boost the economy, giving jobs to those that didn’t have them before, selling tickets to movies in numbers no one could expect.

        I hate when places cost asstons of money to go to, it makes it less fun.


      • I have a theory on people getting too famous when they are young. When they do, they start rebelling in their early 20’s because their childhood was robbed. They switch and start acting like a child in their 20’s, ala Micheal Jackson and Wonderland and Britney shaving her head.
        I’ve thought for a while that actors need to get out of the game at some point to let the newbies come up, especially when they are all set for life. Maybe you should do a post about that one.


  8. Haha this was funny. You get an automatic follow because I am a huge hater of people in South Florida. Anyways, keep blogging, your sarcastic edge is funny! Btw I think the express pass is $70 because you can go at anytime on the ride. At Disney I think they give you a time to return.


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