When I was young, I had a really diverse palate. I ate mushed up peas, carrots, bananas and even apples. My mom fooled me into believing that they tasted good by using a deceptive trick she called airplane mode. She would maneuver a spoonful of yucky tasting crushed up carrots in an airplane motion to … Continue reading A/B itter Testing BFG’s
Humor
There’s something in your Feed Bitterness
It has been an egg-cellent couple of months. Please DO NOT confuse egg-cellent with excellent. The last few months have been horrific because as you know, there has been a giant increase in the price of eggs. Since I'm not a vegetarian or vegan and I don't have bad taste, I eat a lot of … Continue reading There’s something in your Feed Bitterness
AI Got Played BFG’s
I'm not good at a lot of things, but I am a master manipulator. Not so much people, but words. My craft is about placing a letter here, a word there, and misdirect over there, and all of a sudden people are crying, mobs are raging, and everyone is becoming more bitter. I like to … Continue reading AI Got Played BFG’s
Slightly Off Balance Bitterness
I have no balance in my life, and it's my right leg's fault. When I was in junior high, whenever I wanted to participate in a sport, I had to get the yearly physical. Junior high was already the worst and most embarrassing and humiliating part of my life. The physical was just the cherry … Continue reading Slightly Off Balance Bitterness
The Bitter Cure BFG’s
I have a really low opinion of doctor's, which I why I've spent most of my life avoiding them. It blows my mind that a person spends so much time in school learning how to help sick people, and how useless they are at helping sick people. It would be more helpful if they skipped … Continue reading The Bitter Cure BFG’s
Center of the Universe
Thanks to a lot of cartoons I watched when I was young, I know way more about the universe than scientists. I learned from highly literary sources such as He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Transformers, and of course, the Superfriends. I learned that there is definitely intelligent life out there and it isn't … Continue reading Center of the Universe
Rewiring my Brain BFG’s
In my favorite series of all time, Video Game High School, there is an episode where Brian has to practice disarming a bomb for his upcoming video game match. He had always been exceptional at disarming bombs, but this particular week, he was distracted and disarmed by a girl he liked, so he lost his … Continue reading Rewiring my Brain BFG’s
Bitter Reward Systems
Back in 2008, Horton Hears a Who came out and it made medium waves in the movie universe. Which is weird, because all it did was star Jim Carrey and Steve Carell. Just for those two alone, it should have been a life changing movie for almost everyone. However, for most people, it went in … Continue reading Bitter Reward Systems
The Gym Hasn’t Been Working Out BFG’s
The Gym hasn't been working out, which is ironic, because the gym wants everyone else to workout. (Holding for applause on my dad joke...aaaand back to the post.) My wife likes to make fun of me, because I have all these routines and when she sidetracks them, I get a little cranky and bitter. I … Continue reading The Gym Hasn’t Been Working Out BFG’s
Mediocrates Bitterness
I didn't get a proper education growing up in South Dakota, because my English teachers forgot to teach me about the Greek Gods. I never learned about the Italian Gods (my favorite Italian God is Little Caeser), or the Brazilian Gods either. If it wasn't for video games and TV, I never would have known … Continue reading Mediocrates Bitterness
Bitter Brand Deal BFG’s
Most people have no idea what they want to do as a career in life, even well into college and even after graduating. That wasn't true with me. I decided in 7th grade. I was in a Social Studies class and our teacher made us do an assignment to figure out our careers. I guarantee … Continue reading Bitter Brand Deal BFG’s
Cracking Necks and Cashing Checks
You have no idea how much of a burden I carry on a daily basis. My brain is constantly full because I only have capacity for 20 Gigs of information, but it is full of really bad ideas. I have to have an external drive to put all the bad ideas. I put a lot … Continue reading Cracking Necks and Cashing Checks
My 10% Rule BFG’s
I'm going to let you all in on a little secret. Actually, I don't know if I want to do that, because I heard sharing a secret with a person turns them into a friend and I definitely don't need or want one of those. Friends are too messy and they always betray you anyways. … Continue reading My 10% Rule BFG’s
Rewriting History BFG’s
Remember when your teachers lied to you about needing math because you would need it in your career someday? And how you laugh at your teacher now, because not only do you have a calculator on your phone, computer and Ipad, but you have Excel at work to help you figure out any possible mathematical … Continue reading Rewriting History BFG’s
Working on Christmas Bitter Friday Giftures
I've been in the working industry for a long time. When I was a kid, my dad told me that there was no such thing as a free lunch. Since I was born at 8 pm at night, I was already proven as the laziest family member because I didn't have my first job until … Continue reading Working on Christmas Bitter Friday Giftures
Man’s Search for Comedy
I've spent the last 49 years cultivating a wit so sharp that onions cry when I cut them. Ninja's use my wit to sharpen their blades. Comedians wear ski masks and avoid detection from my brain's security system just to steal jokes from me. I feel like Usain Bolt slowing down for a turtle when … Continue reading Man’s Search for Comedy
Office Drone Bitter Friday Giftures
Since I like to avoid people as much as possible, I started watching YouTube videos on my headphones at work, so I could zone people out. One of the Youtubers I started watching was Casey Neistat. Some people might know him for a few viral videos he made, but he was mostly popular because he … Continue reading Office Drone Bitter Friday Giftures
Don’t be an Idiom Bitterness
Expressions are meant to sound catchy and easy to remember, and as a means for uncreative people to fill up their Instagram feeds. A long time ago, I thought quotes were motivational. This was back when I was a single celled organism, and I had no idea how to be creative. But as soon as … Continue reading Don’t be an Idiom Bitterness
Thunder Thighs Bitter Friday Giftures
There is a popular song out right now called Victoria's Secret by a singer named Jax. If you've never heard it, or paid attention to the lyrics (which I almost never do), it's basically a parody about all the things that Victoria's Secret "teaches" society about what women should look like. In one of the … Continue reading Thunder Thighs Bitter Friday Giftures
Scouts Make Me Shout Bitterness
When I was young, I loved the Transformers. Coming home to watch the Transformers was my reward for making it through a hard 6-hour day of school. One of my favorite characters was the advanced scout, Mirage, because he could turn invisible and would warn the Autobots of an early attack by Decepticons. I must … Continue reading Scouts Make Me Shout Bitterness
Ben's Bitter Blog 