Star Date: December 15, 1984. I don’t remember many days in my life. I remember a few of my birthday’s and occasionally I remember the day I got married. Sometimes, I remember my kid’s births, but beyond that, I don’t remember many days. Most of them just merge together. But December 15, 1984 was one for the history books.
I was eleven years old, living in South Dakota and it was December, so there was at least four feet of snow outside and it was at least 400 degrees below zero. It was close to Christmas break, so our class had just exchanged secret Santa gifts. Mine was a huge disappointment, because I got a big pack of M&M’s. My secret Santa clearly didn’t do any research on what I liked, because she should have known I wanted a drone. I understood that they were a little expensive and didn’t quite exist back then, but if she had to give me M&M’s she could have at least given me the peanut M&M’s, or Eminem’s latest album. Again, his first studio album didn’t come out until 1999, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have some mixes available. Besides, she could have got in a time machine and got both those things. Back to the Future wouldn’t have been out for another year yet, but she could have told her future self to go see the movie, find the Delorean, get to 1999, and 2019, got the gifts and returned in time for the gift exchange. It would have just taken a little effort.
Back to the epicness of December 15, 1984. Just like every other school day, I rushed home to do my homework, because I loved it so much. Just kidding, I never did homework. I rushed home, tore off 5 layers of coats, gloves, scarves and snow pants and plopped myself down in my favorite spot in the living room, in front of our huge 13-inch TV and prepared myself for my favorite program, The Transformers, more than meets the eye.
I was not prepared for the coolness of the newest Transformer that day. When I say the coolest Transformer, I mean, the coolest Transformers. That day, I was introduced for the first time, to Devastator. Who was Devastator, you ask? Well, he was a group of Constructicons, whose alternate form was, you guessed it, construction vehicles. One was a concrete mixer, one was a dump truck, etc. There were 6 of them, and they kind of cool because they were green, but they weren’t ultimate cool until they revealed a little secret they had at the end. That secret changed my perception of the world as I knew it.
Just as they were about to be defeated by the Dinobots, the leader of the Constructicons called out, “Constructicons transform, phase one! Now transform, phase two!” Phase two involved all 6 of them combining into one GIANT robot. They became the most powerful kind of Transformer I had ever seen, and by extension, the coolest. At that moment, I understood so many new concepts that my head was exploding.
Here is just a sample platter of new things I learned that day. Teamwork. Teamwork makes the nightmare work. If I work together with others, I can also become a huge robot and defeat puny humans and other Transformers. All I had to do, was wander around local construction sites and find 5 other construction vehicles, give them the allspark which gives them life, convince them to join me in my conquest of destroying the universe, and I can be just like them. It would have been a foolproof plan, had I had any ambition at all to get off the couch. But I didn’t, so my dream of becoming part of a skyscraper tall team of destruction never came true.
Another principle I learned that day was the term Gestalt. Gestalt is a psychological term that means the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Not ironically, it was founded by three German guys named Max, Kurt and Wolfgang, who alone, probably couldn’t figure out how to toast bread, but together, invented a psychologic principle. Sadly, it only became useful on December 15, 1984, when Devastator was introduced to the world. We now knew that their principle was correct, because 6 tiny robots became 1 Giant awesome cool robot that was much better than the sum of its Decepticons.
The trend of combining things continues today. There are at least 20 some games in the Google Play store using the merge formula, like Merge Dragons, Merge Mansion, Merge Miners, and Merge Majors, that combine small things that make bigger things. All these games owe their fortune to Devastator for giving them the concept on which their games run.
Games aren’t the only apps that owe their lives to Devastator. Facebook is just a combination of an address book and Myspace. Twitter is just a combination of your journal and a place to put it publicly on the internet. Instagram is just a combination of Facebook and your phone’s photo album.
You know what else is a combination? That locker you had in 7th grade that kept your super valuable Trapper Keeper and your smelly gym shorts safe from theft. The combination lock had so many possible combinations, that it only took you 6 weeks to figure out how to use without a teacher’s help. And it only took you two weeks to get out of the locker when the school bully put you in it the first time.
How about that fancy car you drive to work? That Fiat 500E that can go 39 miles on a full charge? That super fancy tech wizard of a car wouldn’t exist if some car nerd didn’t combine a bunch of random automotive parts from O’Reilly Auto Parts to create your miraculous car that doesn’t transform into Bumblebee.
Even YOU owe your life to Devastator. Did you know that you were made up of something called cells? Well, now you do. Your mom and dad decided to combine forces one sweltering July evening to merge some cells together to create you. Those cells kept combining and combining until 9 months later, you decided to make an appearance into the world, fully combined cells merged together. Thanks to Devastator, those cells knew what to do. Of course, once you turned 21, they stopped combining and started dying quickly, because you couldn’t stop eating ice cream and pizza for breakfast…is what I’m told all of you did.
You might all be saying, “Ben, come on. It was some earth scientist that came up with the idea of combining things.” Some others might say, “I think the Creator of the Earth was responsible for inventing combinations.” You would be wrong. The Constructicons first merged into Devastator 65 million years ago. I’m pretty sure neither the scientist nor the Creator of this earth was around 65 million years ago.
So how about a little respect for the ones that made combinations possible? Yes, Devastator was a Decepticon and yes, he used his combined powers to try to destroy the Autobots and in turn, would have enslaved and killed most of us on earth, but that is beside the point. We need to thank him, because if it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t have life, and more importantly, we wouldn’t have Merge Dragons.
Bitter Merged into Devastator Ben
10 thoughts on “Everything is Merging Bitterness”
If it’s not a peanut M&M, don’t even bother. Simple as that.
Exactly. How dare my Secret Santa even try to get rid of her crappy M&M’s as a gift while she’s at home eating her fancy Peanut M&M’s.
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Seriously. Secret Santas that push the plain M&M’s should just be called Bad Santa’s.
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Form feet and legs! Form arms and body! And I’ll form…the head! Oh wait…never mind, wrong mega-robot team. 😝
Yes, that robot team stole all it’s megatransforming from The Transformers. Never forget that.
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So did the GoBots. 😂
Exactly. The Gobots were just a really bad copy of the Transformers. Thus, they don’t have a 6 movie franchise, while the Transformers are still going strong.
We shall all merge in the black hole of Bitterness that is our Lord Revengerman!!!!!!
That sounds like the ultimate power. We could suck in all the bitterness from the galaxy and take away any joy and things that distract from bitterness.