I didn’t get a proper education growing up in South Dakota, because my English teachers forgot to teach me about the Greek Gods. I never learned about the Italian Gods (my favorite Italian God is Little Caeser), or the Brazilian Gods either. If it wasn’t for video games and TV, I never would have known about all the Gods. The first Greek God I learned about was Icarus, in the form of Kid Icarus on the NES. The things I learned about him was that he flew too close to the sun and he gained a laser beam in order to defeat Medusa, who needed a haircut.
I learned that Kratos, was the God of War because of a video game called ironically, God of War. I’ve never played it, but the kids tell me it is pretty good. I’m also really familiar with Achilles, because of the achillies injuries I kept getting from playing too much basketball. I also knew a lot about the City of Troy because I knew this kid named Troy in grade school. I learned about the Trojan Horse, because that was one of the early computer viruses I learned about. And I learned about the Odyssey from The Simpsons, because an episode where Homer does an Odyssey.
The school system failed me, but don’t worry. I got my revenge on the school system by returning the favor and failing it.
I discovered a better way to learn things anyways. I learned things by experience, playing video games and watching Tik Tok videos. If it wasn’t for those things, I would still be writing blog posts down on scrolls of paper and getting mad at you guys for not making comments on my nonexistent rants.
Thanks to my imagination I gained from playing so many video games, I discovered some new Gods that the school never knew about.
One such God, I learned about was a God called Mediocrates. Pronounced “ME DEE AH CRUH TEES.” Mediocrates is the God of mediocrity. The reason why you’ve never heard of him, is because he was so mediocre. He’s the Son of Zeus and one of his wives that you’ve never heard of either, Plain Vanillious. Mediocrates was born in the middle of the day, and didn’t cry or whine. He was neither devastatingly handsome, nor downright ugly. His eyes were a mediocre grey, and his limbs weren’t particularly long, nor very short.
He had no distinguishing features, no scar, no blemish, nor gleam in his eye. He was so average that Zeus didn’t know what to do to him. He was so busy dealing with his other rebellious God sons and daughters, that he didn’t know what gift to bestow upon Mediocrates.
He left it up to Plain Vanillious to name him and give him his special power. Plain Vanillious was also pretty busy, so she forgot to give him any gift. So Mediocrates was just left to his own devices. He never played on the right side of the road, or the left. He just played right down the middle of the road.
He went to Zeus Elementary School, and average elementary school, where he didn’t get A’s or B’s, or even D’s or F’s. He got C’s, always. In fact, the saying, “C’s get degrees” comes from him. His grades were never horrible or great, so he continued his education at Greek Community College. He never got into a Greek fraternity, and he only made friends with his roommates and the people in his classes that he needed in order to do group projects. He continued his unbelievable streak of C’s throughout his college years. When he finished college, he went on to become an average accountant for the Greek God government.
Mediocrates never got in fights, like Kratos, never made any waves, like Poseidon, or made any Chaos, like Chaos. He just went to work everyday, did his accounting and then came home. Then he had two kids, and then they had two kids and then they had two kids, and eventually, I was born.
By the time, I was born, all the God qualities were filtered out, and I was imbued with nothing special. If it weren’t for the little bit of bitterness that my great, great grandgodmother had inside her, I would be nothing but the most mediocre person you had ever met.
I always wondered why my life was so mediocre in every way. And now I know. It wasn’t my fault that I always got C’s in school. Or that I didn’t get into any popular cliques. It wasn’t my fault that the only thing that the only thing I’m not mediocre in is bitterness. It’s my great, great godgrandfather Mediocrates fault.
I owe a great deal of gratitude to video games for giving me the knowledge of the great mediocrity that courses through my veins. In order to thank them, I’ve made a solemn promise to always play them until my last breath (mediocrally, of course). Now that I’ve completed my bitterness for the day, I’m going back to doing my mediocre work at my mediocre job.
Bitter Mediocrates Ben