I’ve been collecting Dadvice like some kids collect Pokémon cards. Unfortunately, I’m losing brain cells almost as fast as I collect the Dadvice, so if I don’t write these things down, they will be lost to the netherworld. My daughter is getting married and I’ve been told that I have to give a speech for it. That means I’m going to have to start collating all this advice together so I can dump it all at once on my daughter at her wedding. I feel bad for her, because it’s going to be like drinking from a firehose. That is apropos because not only is my son going to be a firefighter, but my daughter also does the same kind of dump job on my wife and I all the time.

She is an introvert like me, so from the moment she had independent thoughts, she would hang out in her room for days at a time. We thought of it as her organizing all her thoughts so she could then “Download” them all to me and my wife. That’s how us introverts work. It’s like a Superhero that needs a little time to build up their superpower, so when it is released it is much stronger and potent. Much like a Superhero building up their power, she would be in her room collecting every thought, philosophy, thesis, and the collective consciousness of the universe. When she emerged from her cave, she unleashed her full power upon my wife and I, and wear herself out. Then she would retreat back into her room recharge her superpowers to be used in a few days. It was a chaotic whirlwind of an event every few days. I do something similar, except instead of downloading it using my voice, I type it out and let you people read it every week on bensbitterblog.

My first dadvice for her is to have someone record the speech, because it’s going to scatterbrain all over the place. Since it will include every Dadthought I’ve had since her birth, it won’t be absorbable in one sitting. She’ll want the recording, so she can replay, pause, fast forward and delete most of it.

Here is some of the Dad Advice I will give her. Maybe since I’m writing it down here, I can skip the speech and just tell her that the “link is in my bio”.

Which leads me to my first piece of advice. But first, to make this more interesting, imgine that I’m Eminem and someone tossed me the mic, and I’m about to spit some hot rhymes (pretend these all rhyme too) so fast your head will spin. Deep breath and…

1. Once you get married, don’t have a public Instagram. Especially one with a “link in my bio”, if you know what I mean. The public includes scores of creepy men and bots that have no qualms about sliding into your DM’s whether you’re married or not. Keep that for close family and friends you actually know.
2. Write down special moments in a journal. You won’t believe how many memories you forget or details about events you forget if you don’t write them down. I’ve lost all time great bitter blog ideas when I forgot to write them down or said I would remember them in the morning.
3. Make your home a peaceful place for your husband. A good man (which he is) will go to the ends of the earth for you if you give him a little peace when he comes home. I promise you he won’t ask from you near as much as you will ask of him. If you just give him a happy greeting when he comes home, it will multiply the number of happy days you have.
4. Sincerely compliment him. It doesn’t have to be all the time, and you don’t have to make up things to compliment him about. Men will so rarely hear compliments, that when they do recieve them, they will fuel him for weeks, sometimes years. I still remember compliments I got 6 years ago (which may have been the last time I got one).
5. As a woman, you were born with value. You have the ability to give life, and your husband will always appreciate you for giving him kids, if you choose to have them (I promise I will be a good and bitter grandpa if you do). Your man, just as every other man, has to provide value in order to be appreciated. So when he does go to work and provides for you, and protects you (from bugs and burglars), remember that. Don’t forget to appreciate what he does for YOU.
6. Remember you are a woman that has feminine traits. I know you talk about being a boss babe, but being a boss babe is leaning too much into the masculine and you will lose some of that femineity you were born with. If you work, look at the money you make as not your “side money”, but your family’s money.
7. Let him be a leader. Letting him lead doesn’t mean you have no voice, or that you aren’t a strong woman for doing so. If you disagree with him about something, you don’t have to whine, nag, or yell at him to get your point across. Disagreeing with him with kind, firm determination is often all a man needs to know that something needs to be corrected.
8. From time to time, look at things from his perspective. Imagine what he is going through. Imagine the heavy burdens he might be carrying.
9. Make him a sandwich every once in a while. Don’t refuse to make him a sandwich because you’re fighting the patriarchy. Make him a sandwich because it is a kind thing to do for a man you love.
10. Don’t look at all the things he does for you as “bare minimum”. Everything he does for you is something he does because he loves you.
11. Expectations. On the Today Show about 15 years ago, they sited the best way to be happy is to not have too high of expectations. In other words, don’t stake the happiness of your marriage on your husband being a billionaire, the next prophet, or the world’s best father. Have reasonable expectations like a man that will do his best to be a dependable and hard working employee, a man that will stay active in church, and a good father that loves his children.
12. Being married will not solve any of your problems or make you any happier. Don’t ever depend on your husband, or even your children or parents to “make you happy”. Happiness comes from within you, and how you choose to live your life. He can show you love and do things for you, but happiness comes from your outlook on life. You can’t make him happy either. You can only provide love and hope that you two find moments of happiness from your interactions.
13. Marriage can be boring. That’s okay. There is no way in the world that a 50 year marriage can sustain a romantic love that gives you the tingles the whole time. There will be times that you are together where you can sit in a comfortable silence and not say anything. That’s okay.
14. On the other hand, if something is bothering you about your husband, communicate with him, but be clear. He, like me and every other man in the world, except Professor X, can’t read minds. Some men like me can read emotions, but can’t read the reason behind them. If you are upset, feel free to be specific about what is bothering you.
15. Remember there are things you can’t change about him. You will not be able to make him taller. You will not be able to regrow hair on his head. You will not be able to make him more outgoing. Just like you, he only has 24 hours in a day, and he also has a social battery that wears out.
16. Money. You’re pretty good at this right now, but please, I stress this in the strongest terms possible. If at all possible, live within your means. Only put things on your credit card that you can pay off at the end of the month. Don’t go into debt for anything but a car or house. And car only if you have to. Vacations are fun, but save up for them, don’t just go on the to go on them.
17. Remember your husband was and is attached to other people before you. He will do his best to make you his biggest priority, but remember he has his own family that he came from just like you did. Be fair when it comes to sharing time with both sides of the family.
18. He had a past too. He is insecure about things. If you find out his sore spots, don’t exploit them to gain “the upper hand” in the marriage. Remember you have vulnerabilities as well and he’s going to do his best to not exploit them on you.
19. Last thing for now. Have fun or whatever.

Are you out of breath? Good. Now you’re going to want to rewind that because it was so dizzying fast that you’re overwhelmed, but you heard some absolute bangers and you’ll want to hear them again. Luckily, you can read them all again as if you were reading slam poetry. Or you can read them as a stand up comedian. Or however you want to read them after that.

Love you, Bitter Girl of Mine. Also, don’t forget to breathe. This is a good thing.

Here are some Bitter Friday Giftures

I’ve been collecting Dad Advice like…

Unfortunately, I’m losing brain cells to the Netherworld…

Therefore on my daughter’s wedding…

Which will be bad because…

But too bad, because she used to “download”…

So now it’s daddy’s turn…

So listen up, girl…

Now that you read them all in the voice of Eminem…

Or as a comedian..

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Dadvice Ben