The Apology Tour BFG’s

It was a cool day in South Dakota in September 1984, and I got home from school and threw my bag down. I went to the den and turned on our massive 17-inch TV by hand to watch some after school cartoons. Little did I know at that moment, I would be witnessing the beginning of my 42 year and going obsession of the Transformers. If you told 11 year old Bitter Ben that 42 years later there is now a channel on Samsung TV that shows Transformer cartoons 24 hours a day, he would have called you crazy. If you told his wife he would be watching that channel whenever he wrested control of the TV, and wanted a $1400 Optimus Prime that transformed on its own, she would have called him crazy and probably tried asked for a new model (of husband, not Transformer).

A lot of my history revolves around the history of the Transformers. One of my first memories of being shamed came from my love of the Transformers. I was talking to a co-student in junior high about Transformers, when he interrupted my obsession about them and blurted, “Transformers are toys for kids. You need to grow up.” I was quite shocked when he said it, and from that moment forward, I quietly stopped being friends with an ignorant son of a goat herder, who could possibly think that thought.

I pushed through that junior highish insult and two years later rewarded for my loyalty to the cause, by the release of the Transformers Movie in theaters. It was an amazing movie that pushed the series forward, but did so at a cost. The largest cost possible, being that Optimus Prime, the most beloved of all Transformers, dies early in the movie. Spoiler Warning. (Whoops, I’m supposed to do that before.) Legendary stories came from the movie of younger kids crying, and parents having to drag distraught kids into the lobby because they couldn’t believe that he died. There were even letter writing campaigns about bringing Optimus Prime back. Hasbro underestimated what Optimus Prime meant to a lot of kids. I wasn’t as heartbroken as those whiny, entitled brats because, of course I was a mature 13 year old with regulated emotions, who would soon have more new Transformers to buy.

Fast forward a few years later to my senior year of college, and after a few years of pretending I had grown up, I had an interesting introduction to a new computer concept called the “internet”. It was 1998, and as I was about to graduate, I wanted to take a fun elective. It just so happens that there was a class called Introduction to the Internet, which it really was for me. It had me do things like “navigate to a website called Whitehouse.gov, and click on these things called “hyperlinks” that lead me to other places. Once I gain unfettered access to the internet, I immediately started searching for Transformers information. I found out they had a conference every year called TransCon, but mostly I was mining the depths of the internet to find out if I could buy the original series on VHS. Those early days of the internet were truly the wild west. Amazon and DVD’s didn’t exist, so I had to search out forums to buy things. I discovered a guy that taped every episode of the Transformers off of TV, as well as the Movie. I don’t even remember if I had to send him a check or use a credit card, but I could so easily have been scammed. But it was 1998, and I had all 98 episodes and the movie of my childhood on VHS.

Not long after that, I got the second Transformers shaming. I got the amazing idea to have a double date with my brother in which we watch Transformers the Movie. I tried to explain to the girl I was on a date with, how the passing of the Matrix of Leadership from Optimus Prime to Rodimus Prime was like how the leadership of the prophet of our church passed his leadership to the next one. It made total sense to me, but she thought my explanation was both tacky, inappropriate and sacrilegious. I disagreed with her, and as such, I never asked her out again. She was an ignorant daughter of a goat herder. I’m sure she and that co-student of mine in junior high are brother and sister.

This week has been a hard one for the deaths of several prominent celebrities. On Tuesday, Dolly Parton and Tim Curry died, both at the age of 80. I was never huge fans of either, but respected Dolly for her reputation as a great person and remember Tim Curry as a foil for Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2. The most significant celebrity loss for me was Peter Cullen yesterday. Peter Cullen was known as a voice actor for many famous and random cartoon characters, such as Eeyore, The Predator, the K.A.R.R., the evil nemesis of K.I.T.T. in Knight Rider, among dozens of others. But for me, he was Optimus Prime.

My Tiktok and Instagram feeds were full of tributes to Peter Cullen yesterday. They used his best dialogues, both as Optimus Prime and as himself talking about how he got the role of Optimus Prime. While I didn’t have to leave the theater like those kids did when Optimus died, I did find myself tearing up a little when the Voice of Optimus Prime died yesterday. As Optimus Prime’s last words before he died, “Until All are One.” that is my wish for Peter Cullen. Now he will never know all the memories I have of being shamed for loving the most famous cartoon he ever voiced.

This is the 40 year anniversary of Transformers: The Movie, and Hasbro is going all out on an Apology Tour for killing off Optimus Prime in the movie all those years ago. As part of my personal celebration of the 40th Year, I’ve decided to embark on my own Apology Tour. I’m going to personally hunt down all the people that shamed me for loving the Transformers. I will be hunting down that snotty, co-student from junior high that said Transformers were “just for kids” and demand an apology from him. I’m going to hunt down that ungrateful girl I went on a date with, and demand an apology for not accepting my very poignant Transformers metaphor. I’m going to demand an apology from my family for shaming me for liking Transformers.

Most of all, I’m demanding an apology from all my bitter blog readers if you’ve ever shamed me for any of the dozens of Bitter Blog posts about the Transformers.

You can get on the Transformers Astrotrain, or you can unfollow me and get out of my life.

Yeah, I said it.

Now here are some Bitter Friday Giftures for your Transforming Pleasure…

It was a cool day in September 1984…