Induction into the Anxiety Hall of Fame BFG’s

I know everyone has anxiety these days, but since I was born in a time when anxiety wasn’t invented yet, mine got an undiagnosed. My anxiety manifests itself in a few ways. I’ve become more accustomed to speaking in front of crowds (at least in church), but I still get loads of it BEFORE I publicly speak. It also manifests in interviews, which I hate more than turkeys hate Thanksgiving. I don’t care if it’s for a job interviews, or when I do celebrity interviews on ET, Access Hollywood or Extra. Insanely though, the worst way that my anxiety manifests itself is right before, during and after San Antonio Spurs basketball games. You have no idea how much that sucks, because I’ve been a fan of them since 1989.

It sucks because I’ve been a fan of them for 37 years. If you add 82 games a year + all those extra playoff games, that number is probably more days than most Millenials have been alive. The crazy thing is that in those 37 years, the Spurs have been 1,621 – 1,025, which is a 61%, a better percentage of wins than any other NBA team in that span. Can you imagine if my favorite team was even the second best team over that period? My stomach would be more knotted than a National Boy Scout Knot Tying competition.

A few years ago I realized that liking a horrible team would have been much better for me. I grew up in South Dakota, so logically, I should have been a Minnesota Timberwolves fan, whose record is 1,245 – 1,713, for a 42% win percentage, I would have grown to expect losing and my anxiety would have been significantly reduced due to their low expectations. Unfortunately, I had to choose a winner to be a fan of. The Spurs made the playoffs every year from 1990 to 2019 except one year, until 2020. The last 6 years were the worst as a fan, but inversely, the best for my nerves. I had accepted that they sucked, and wouldn’t make the playoffs and my nerves got a 6 year break.

But now, the Spurs are back and with a vengeance, in the Finals as we speak. While that is awesome for my fandom, it is absolutely bombarding every fray of my nerves. Almost every other day since April 19th, my stomach has been flipping around the mat like Simone Biles, and ironically bile seems to be dancing around my stomach every time they lose (or until I find out they win). Every time they lose, I’m like one of those guys that live on the streets holding a cardboard sign, declaring that the world is ending soon. I feel like I need to drop myself into a hyperbaric chamber to simultaneously calm my nerves, and freeze myself into the future like Austin Powers so I don’t have to deal with the unending pressure to never have to deal with another loss. What’s crazy is, I don’t let regular ups and downs of life affect my mood most of the time, but after Spurs losses, I will often find myself looking for a ledge, or looking for any excuse to be a complete ahole to everyone around me.

I never intended my personality and mood to be so connected to a team’s win loss record. It just happened that way. I blame my brain, nervous system, and most of all, my bitterness. I wish it were different. I wish a team that I have no control over didn’t have so much control over me. But it does.

One time I was watching a game back in 1999 and they were losing badly to the Portland Trailblazers. I got so mad, that I literally threw one of my foam pillows against the wall…and it made a dent. I finally realized that I should probably stop watching and I went to my sister’s house and jumped on the trampoline to get some frustration out. I later found out they won that game, and it just so happened to be what Spurs fans call the “Memorial Day Miracle”. They came back from 18 points down, and the game winner was a shot by Sean Elliott where he made a three pointer where he was only inbounds because he was on his tippy toes. I missed watching it live, because I was so mad, I threw a pillow that dented a wall…for a game they won.

I wish I could use some laundry detergent to wash my anxiety off as easily as detergent washed stains off of clothes. It would be amazing if we could just throw some Tide on that anxiety. I wish I was able to watch a Spurs late game meltdown like someone watches clothes tumble in a dryer. Or like watching paint dry. Or like watching a Youtube video about how to replace your headlights.

Or like how my wife can watch a Spurs game like it’s just another reality show. While she is playing a game on her Ipad and using the game as background noise. Not a lot of things get me charged up, but I turn into a maniacal psychopath when I watch a Spurs game. I don’t know why it gets me so charged up, and I’m pretty disappointed in all of you that you aren’t a combination of anger, rage, anxiety right now too. What is wrong with you guys! Why aren’t you as upset as I am right now?

I’ve lived with Spurs induced anxiety so long, that I can’t even imagine what it feels to be any of you, not caring at all about the game tonight. I’ve even heard that there are people that don’t have anxiety at all, and that makes me so bitter, because how? And what does that even feel like?

Maybe other people are just anxious about dating, speaking in front of crowds or dealing with a highly toxic family situation. Or maybe some people have anxiety because if they don’t make enough money at work, they won’t be able to pay rent, or afford food. Maybe my anxiety needs some perspective.

Or maybe the Spurs need to win the next four games, or I’m going to throw a pillow into a wall.

What about you, bitterians? Are you high anxiety people like me? What is your trigger? What things absolutely send your stomachs into knots? What, if anything, soothes your anxiety? And when are we going to see some Bitter Friday Giftures?

How does my anxiety manifest itself…