Every year since I’ve started to write, there’s been this NaNoWriMO thing hovering over me, telling me to write 50,000 words in a month. As much fun as it sounds to write that many words, (which I might actually do with my blog and book combined), I don’t know how in the world they expect me to do that in November. November is the most overpopulated, oversaturated, action packed month of the year. On top of the fact that Halloween is the day before, so you barely seen November 1st coming until it is too late.

Almost every girl I ever dated was born in November, including my wife. Elections, bomb cyclones, elections, Black Friday, and Manatee Awareness Month all happen in November. In V for Vendetta, Guy Fawkes says, Remember, Remember the 5th of November. How in the world am I supposed to remember that date when there are so many other dates to remember in November. Or is it December? See how it can be so hard to remember that date?

For the life of me, I have no idea how anyone in this universe could possibly ever write 50,000 words for a book in November. I don’t know what those people do, if they live alone and don’t go to Thanksgiving, or they have the world’s best people cancelling headsets, but November is the worst month ever for writing a novel. As much as I would love to do NaNoWriMo or whatever Robin Williams said in Mork and Mindy, I can’t even imagine how I could get more than 50 words written for a novel in November.

Not to mention that they suggest writing 1,666.66666 words a day. (I’m still trying to figure out how much of a word .66666666 is…) November is so busy at work with Black Friday and Cyber Monday, it’s busy at home, getting ready for Thanksgiving, that the last month in the world that NANOWRIMO should be is November.

I plan on speaking to the Novelist Society about moving the month to August, July or some other boring month to accommodate their most important writer. The one that’s been blogging for 12 years, and writing their novel for 20. If it wasn’t for their ineptitude of choosing months I would have novel published a long time ago.

Besides NANOWRIMO, many consider Thanksgiving as the biggest celebration of November, but I have to disrespectfully disagree. The most important by far is National Manatee Awareness Month, or as I like to call it NMAM. Since I was a child, I’ve always looked up (actually, down) to Manatees. Thier slow movingness, their laziness, their inability to tolerate water below 68 degrees, their need to always breathe above the water every 3-5 minutes…That is something I aspire to be.

The best part about Manatee’s besides everything, is that they also go by another name, the Sea Cow. I would actually propose that cows go by the name Land Manatee’s. What has the cow ever done for us, besides, beef and milk? If they had ever done anything good there would be a Cow Appreciation Month.

Because of their greatness, not only is there a month dedicated to them, but a whole Olympics. Did you know about the Manatee Olympics? You should. The events all center around the majestic Manatee. Here are just a few:

The Amazing Manatee Lazy River race – In this event, competitors enter a lazy river in a nationally known water park, and they compete to be the slowest person to complete 40 laps on the lazy river course. The last time I checked, the athletes from the 1998 Olympics are almost finished. We should see a slow- motion photo finish in the next year or two. I’m getting so excited for the finish!

Mantee Couch Surfing – This intense race is all about who can change the channel with a remote control 25 feet away form the couch in the laziest way. The person that moves the least is the winner in this high stakes competition. In addition to the time it takes to retrieve, athletes are also graded on creativity and manipulation. This can often be hard for veteran couch surfers, who have warn out their welcomes with uncooperative spouses, children, and friends. However, that has created an upswing in creativity over the years, with competitors using stuff inside the couches and tables and building arms out of unimaginable things. Another side effect has been some people leveling up to telekinesis. Since the telekinesis is unfair to the others, we’ve broken out the competition into two categories, the old school and the telekinesis divisions.

Mantee Chore Avoidance – This is a highly contested, and controversial sport. There are the old timers that have worked for years at finding excuses to avoid chores. On the other hand, we have some young middle school and high school aged competitors that are equally vexing to their mothers and fathers. They are bringing some excitement and consternation to the sport and I’m all here for it. Except for my son, who is especially good at it, and I’m both proud and angry at him, so I definitely makes for some real drama. He’s got a bright future in this Manateed sport.

The All-You-Can-Manatee-at (Sponsored by Tums) – Though many competitors work year-round on this challenge, the After Thanksgiving competition is their Mount Everest. Some like to point toward the Hot Dog Eating contest on July 4th, as the biggest Feeling Horrible After You Eat day of the year, but purists of queasiness look to the All you can Manatee-at as their Super Bowl, World Cup, Christmas, wrapped up in a Christmas present bow. They would like to thank their sponsors, Tums and their Heart Doctors for sponsoring the event.

And of course, the biggest event of all…

The ManaSleepIn – When the sleep category was first introduced, it was just the Sleep as Long as you Can Event. Of course, the all-time record holder in the men’s category is still Rip Van Winkle with 100 years. The women’s category was also a 100-year record with Aurora of Sleeping Beauty taking the record. Controversially, she blames Prince Phillip for waking her up right before she achieved the all time record over Rip Van Winkle. She’s still pretty bitter about it.

This sport has many different categories. There is the how fast someone falls asleep listening to their aunt, their wife, their best friend, their boss, and even the longest to fall asleep at work without getting caught by a boss, co-worker or CEO. The CEO one has been particularly fraught with job loss, but some competitors are so good they can even do it with the CEO standing right in front of them. They are truly heroes of the sport.

My favorite of this event has to be the long distance leap of their head jerking forward after you fell asleep with your head back. Some really entertaining slow motion GIF’s have come from that contest and some of my favorite instant replays. The dads seem to dominate this category, as the women just can’t seem to overcome the guilt of falling asleep in public.

I finally get the week off for The Manatee Olympics and I’m so excited to watch people sleep for a hundred years. It’s going to be epic. In honor of the Manatee Olympics, I’m proud to put out my Bitter Friday Giftures for you…

November is such an…

How am I supposed to…

Seriously, how can you expect me to write…

When there is Thanksgiving…

Birthdays…

And Remember Remember the 5th of November’s…

Most importantly…

How best to celebrate…

By being creating an Olympics…

Events like…

And events like…

Other events like the…

One of the most popular…

And my favorite…

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Manatee Madness Month Bitterness