I’ve only ever been published once, and it was in a magazine that sold 12 copies, 13 of which were me buying the copies. Last night I managed to help my son write a poem for his English class, which I totally didn’t get any help from ChatGPT. I’ve published over 1300 blogs post on this blog, all of which are dripping of bitterness, sarcasm and humor and for all you know, done without the help of ChatGPT.

I have quite a bit of experience writing things and there is only one thing that makes writing work. Conflict. None of my writing works, but if it did it would have conflict. My writing is a Vanilla Ice cream cone.

In real life, I’m always contradictory. Whenever my wife asks me to take out the garbage, I say no, and then get up and do it. Whenever my son asks me to attend one of his games, I tell him I definitely can’t make it, and then show up, but always like a minute or two late.

My daughter asked me if I could drive her to the store the other day. I said, “Nope!” and then got the keys and drove her to the store, but I took her a on a slightly different path than she expected.

I was reading some of the junk mail in my inbox and this Prince from Nigeria asked me to do a favor for him. He wanted me to store $6.5 million dollars in my bank account because his uncle was trying to steal it from him and he needed a place to keep it safe. All he needed was my bank account number, SS#, all my passwords for all my money accounts, and in four days, he promised to send me the $6.5 million and I could keep 20% of it. Of course, I was skeptical, and immediately told him, “No way, you are a huge scammer. I know for a fact that you are just trying to get access to my accounts, so you can steal all $400 of my bank account.

I then immediately gave him all my information. My wife is currently sending me an email write now. It says something about an account from Nigeria and did I give them all our banking information? I will of course tell her no, and then give her all the details about how we don’t have any more money.

You know how there are all kinds of coaches now? You know, like life coaches, business coaches, financial coaches and cookie coaches? And how each of those coaches need coaches, so they spend all their money on the other category of coaches? It’s the modern-day version of something the Egyptians did back in their time. They built these really large building structures to bury old Pharoah’s in. They would have someone at the top who ruled over two people below them, and then, those two had two more under them and the built this thing called a pyramid scheme. They even built their building to look like the scheme.

My coaching is nothing like that. My training actually involves teaching people how to say no to the pyramid schemers and anyone else for that matter. I train people to become drama kings and queens, by causing conflict in their lives by saying the opposite of what they are being asked. It’s quite simple and can be quite lucrative…for me. It’s basically the opposite of training that Jim Carrey’s got in the film, Yes Man. I simply teach you how to say no. Unless someone wants you to say no.

The best part is that I’ve found the best assistant trainers. The only people that are as good at being contradictheads are teenagers. They are naturals. But you have to tap into them in those teenage years, because as they grow and mature, and become adults, they start learning that they were so wrong about everything. And then they develop into yes men and women. I only hire the best teenagers to work for me, because I want pure, unadulted, unfiltered and unambiguously terrible people that somehow think they are always right.

Sign up now, and you will get either me or one of my certifiably insane teenagers to teach you all the ways of contradiction. It will be the worst money you ever spent, and I the worst money I’ve ever earned, but you know you need it. Even though you don’t need it.

I know you don’t want any Bitter Friday Giftures today…but too bad. You’re getting them precisely because you don’t want them right now.

Nope…

I was published in a magazine once…

My writing is like a vanilla ice cream cone…

When my wife asks me to take out the trash I say no…

When my son asks me to come to a game…

My daughter asks me to drive her to the store…

I get a lot of emails from this guy…

I teach the opposite of what Carl from Yes Man learns…

I teach people to be…

You can pay one of these scammers…

Or you can pay me even more money…

Taught by the experts of contraction…

AARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Contradiction Training Ben