Since I like to avoid people as much as possible, I started watching YouTube videos on my headphones at work, so I could zone people out. One of the Youtubers I started watching was Casey Neistat. Some people might know him for a few viral videos he made, but he was mostly popular because he started doing a video every single day for 2 years. I can’t even do a blog post every day, and that is just telling a couple of my monkey employees to type random words while in insert a few Giftures.

One of the things that Casey got me excited about was buying a bunch of cameras I couldn’t afford. First, I got a GoPro, then a DSLR, and then I took a trip to Fantasyland where I thought I would get rich by starting a YouTube channel like Casey. Then I realized that I had no idea what to take pictures or videos of. There are only two things. You can take pictures of nature or people. Nature pictures require that you go outside. I’ve never had the bandwidth for that. Photographing people requires you to be around people. Doing that when you aren’t required sounds horrifying.

I did start doing a few videos called Bitter News from the Couch, where I would report the news in a bitter way, but realized that that is how news is normally reported. The only thing I did differently was laying on the couch instead of at a news desk. Since that didn’t take the world by storm, I announced my retirement from YouTube on YouTube, but no one saw it, because no one watches my YouTube channel.

The camera that Casey used that I became obsessed with was a drone. He used a drone to get dramatic and cinematic shots of beaches, or he would use it to follow him around the city.

When I saw all amazing things that drones could do, like deliver pizza, or terrorize the neighborhood kids, I was hooked. But then I thought about the name drone, and I was appalled. When I think of the word drone, I can’t stop thinking of being bored. Whoever came up with the word drone for a drone didn’t work in marketing. Whether it is being an office worker, a boring professor droning on, or a bee that doesn’t do anything interesting, drone is the most boring word ever…

…To describe a mini helicopter that can go anywhere. It can fly over an active volcano. It can fly along gorgeous coasts and over dangerous cliffs. It can even make the final shot of a Hallmark movie interesting. Not only that, but it can do it way cheaper and much less destructively than a helicopter could.

They deliver pizza to bitter bloggers, Amazon packages to annoying neighbors, and even deliver bombs to annoying co-workers. How can do drones this dirty, by naming them after the most boring thing in the world?

I avoid people at parties that drone on about something like the plaque…on my teeth. Speaking of plaque, I would rather talk to a dentist with my mouth full of sharp metal instruments and saliva suckers than someone that someone that drones on about something boring.

I will be leading an investigation to find out who named drones drones, and get them fired, even if they are fired already. I’m going to torture them, by making them watch a marketing guru drone on about how naming something boring is marketing suicide. This will teach them to never name something that interesting a “drone”.

In the meantime, I’m going to start a Naming Convention, where people gather from all around the world to attend this yearly conference. The Naming Convention will bring the biggest names in the naming industry together to rename things that have sucky names. There will be merchandise booths, TED talks, prizes and a special surprise guest appearance by me. All the proceeds will go to charity called Bitter Ben’s Housing Project, which will help a needy and petty blogger, who needs more special additions to his house. Namely, dozens of hidden doors, motes, soundproof rooms and drones (soon to be renamed) loaded with missiles aimed to protect him from people and nature.

Truly a worthy cause indeed.

I know I’ve been droning on about this, but the cause is important. Drones need us and we can’t let them down with this stupid name anymore. And of course, the worthy cause associated with it.

Let’s start off this naming convention with something I’ve also renamed, the gifture, more specifically, the Bitter Friday Gifture…

Possibly the reason why…

On the other hand…

Somehow, I convinced my wife…

Which was just a show called Bitter News from the Couch…

I had to have a camera until I realized…

Or people…

I decided to get a drone…

And can go to…

But they can deliver packages…

Deliver pizza…

Though my third favorite thing they can do…

My second favorite thing is…

My favorite of all time though…

As you can see, drones are the most exciting and best things ever, and some stupid person decided that it was a good idea to call them drones. Please attend my Naming Convention, where I will be the keynote speaker. My TED Talk will be called, “How to Rename Drones, Start a Naming Convention, and Get Myself More Money by coming up with a Naming Convention by Disguising it as a Charity and Coming Up with Shorter Titles for Your TED Talks”. Details upcoming on the website.

ARRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Office Drone Ben