I’ve spent the last 49 years cultivating a wit so sharp that onions cry when I cut them. Ninja’s use my wit to sharpen their blades. Comedians wear ski masks and avoid detection from my brain’s security system just to steal jokes from me. I feel like Usain Bolt slowing down for a turtle when I’m waiting for someone to keep up with my witty banter.
My sarcasm is so thick that pea soup drinks it with a fork and knife. I spend countless nights keeping sheep awake, hours wearing out the treadmills running inside my mind, just so I can pour my comedy genius onto the pages of this blog. I do it as a service to the world (mostly because no one pays me for it), but mostly for me, because this brain contains so much comedy, if I don’t let some of it out, my brain will explode with laughter. Unfortunately, I have to hold so much more humor back, because if I unleashed all of it onto the world, no one would have time to do anything but laugh all the time.
Imagine the rage I feel every time I complete a bi-weekly magnum opus, and I venture out on WordPress Reader under the humor category, looking for something that could even turn the side of my mouth up even slightly. My stomach drops in horror as I try in vain to find something that’s worthy of occupying the basement of my Humor Tower, a virtual skyscraper in Nakatomi Plaza. I’m here on the 131st floor perusing resumes to find anyone that could work in my building and all I can find are blog after reblog of memes.
My search continues to a land called Tik Tok. where I search with a magnifying glass for a morsel of comedy. All I can find there is people lip syncing movie monologues and trying to relate them to their dating or family life. I would slap my forehead in embarrassment at the sad state of humorless memes, and poorly executed skits on Tik Tok, but someone would film my face palm and it would go viral, just because it’s actually funnier than they could think of.
After an exhausting day of scouring the internet to find a morsel of humor, side from my blog, I trek home full of hope that my kids might have inherited a sliver of my sense of humor. They look at me with their adorable, yet blank stares with anticipation that one of the “funny” memes they sent me through Tik Tok or Instagram Reels will please me. I give them a courtesy laugh and walk quickly out of the room so I can cringe in peace and die slowly inside. I spare them from the truth that neither they nor the rest of humanity is funny at all. Someday when they are old enough, I will tell them the truth, but for now, I can’t crush their dreams, because parents are supposed to protect their kids from the harsh reality that they aren’t funny. Plus, I hate to hear kids cry.
I pat them on the head patronizingly and let them go on believing that they are funny. Their lack of humor doesn’t come from me, but from the stupid peers and their dumb generations, the Millennials and the Gen Z’s. Gen Z’s and Millennials have this ability to find laziness about everything they do. They want AI to make art and write for them, they want their parents to provide housing for them, and they to be influencers so they can play video games and people just pay them money for watching them do it. The worst part is their sense of humor. All they do is reblog, remix and reshare every funny thing they see. When I stop creating funny things on my blog or elsewhere, they will just share the same joke to each other in a perpetual loop.
As the lazy expression goes, “It’s lonely at the top.” I finally know what they mean. I’m here at the executive suite of Humor Tower in Nakatomi Plaza, staring out of the bleak landscape of humor and I can’t help but be bitter. I’m here in my Ivory Tower, scanning the horizon for any hope of humor anywhere and it just looks like a dystopian world where everything cold and black and people are just pretending to laugh. It’s like they are searching for anything original to give them any hope, but they’ve all been instructed by the Humorless not to look up or visit the Humor Tower, because if they do, they will be beaten.
The Humorless are stuck watching Hallmark’s “Romantic Comedies” that are neither romantic nor comedy. They are trapped in their homes, watching Adam Sandler make weird noises, Jim Carrey making faces and recycling superhero jokes. A few make it out, escape their Humorless lives and unplug from the Matrix of Memes. If they are lucky, they will someday follow the beacons toward The Zion of Bitter Blogging.
Will you take the Red Pill or the Blue Pill?
ARRGGGGHHHHHHHHH
Bitter Man’s Search for Comedy Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Mathematicians have calculated that by 2034, all possible jokes will have been told. All that will remain is observational humor. You know, like “What’s the deal with this reader’s stupid comment on this blog post?”
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So we are just going to be stuck with AI doing memes for humor? Maybe we can cause a glitch in the AI by feeding them dad jokes and it will self-destruct.
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I’m stealing this post.
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Sounds good. As long as I can work on your podcast.
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Fantastic post, every bit as witty as any of your previous ones (and obviously far wittier than anything I’ve ever glimpsed on Instagram or TikTok). …Yet it resonated so strongly with me that I almost couldn’t laugh at it because of the horrifying truth you were describing. Almost. 🙂
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It’s definitely fantastic as are all of mine, yet here I sit in the top of the humor tower hoping that someone, anyone will join the humor tower. Let’s hope we can get some people that have some original thoughts join. In the meantime, we need to burn down the landscape of sad meme reposting.
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I too look upon the young trolls around me as humorless. But I don’t have your lofty perch on the 38th floor. I’m in the comedy basement looking up.
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I find few worthy of even working in the basement, so you are Millenniums ahead of the Millennials.
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Well not all of us Millennials are lazy me Lord, look at the Ark I am building you! And yes the Memes and Tik Toks are generally annoying. But, we can use humor as our weapon! Now we know that you have so much power of
Humor within you have to hold it in. So we will charge our weapons with it like a mini Death Star!
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I consider you honorary non-Millennial, a mature Millennial of sorts. I will send you on a quest to find some sort of humor out in the Badlands. Possibly in some obscure corner of the internet, like my blog.
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Thank you M’Lord,
I am channeling all resources to your blog so that your followers will find it. We will make an army of disciples and servants for you. Your empire shall grow ever bigger for the time when the flood from the polar ice caps arrives, you and those who will serve you shall survive. And you shall become EMPEROR BEN supreme overlord of Vengeance!
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Yes, funnel them to the blog, but definitely keep them physically from me. I will be in my office writing masterpieces of blogs. Let no one but you disturb me for any reason.
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Alright my Lord, I shall. They shall be busy working on our worldwide network of arks and building humor powered weapons to relieve you of the stress of being so funny all of the time AND bring our enemies to their knees!
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We must defeat the humorless. They are a bane to our existence. Destroy the memes and the reposting!
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And destroy some of that Godawful Gen Z humor. Jesus Christ I saw some of it on YouTube and now I want to burn my eyeballs out
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Don’t burn your eyeballs out, as we will need you for the kingdom security. But yes, the humorless and the Gen Z humor must be destroyed.
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No worries my Lord, I will not be derelict in my duties to you. I shall keep my eyes intact. Someone has to make sure the Beavers and other servants are properly building the arms. We’re almost done by the way. Which means soon you will not have to worry even about paying mortgages nor any other type of rent.
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I like the beavers being busy because the fortress requires a lot of wood.
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Wood and many other things My Lord. We have managed to make metals in order to expand the fortress. We shall take over the Earth without the rest of humanity knowing this until it is too late!
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I like the element of surprise. The shock on their faces shall be my greatest triumph. You shall be rewarded handsomely for your efforts.
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Thank you Master! We shall attack them from below. Our Beavers construct but I have created an army of Moles to dig tunnels and fell the cities of Earth!
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We could also have the beavers construct more for the housing for the servants (yours will be much better than the servant quarters).
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Thank you M’Lord! This will make it easier for your armies to have a base of operations also.
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Yes, we’ll make sure you have the facilities that will make it easy to train the beavers. A Jurassic Park of sorts.
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Hmmmm Dinosaur soldiers might also be a good idea
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Oh yes, they will definitely prove worthy both as eating people we don’t like, riding into war and mocking for their short arms.
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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Yes we shall need to prepare special weaponry for their short arms.
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Mini machine guns will work well for that.
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Hence the ones I am preparing the birds for.
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