As the creator of insanely awesome bitter content that YOU get the privilege of reading/experiencing/bitterly laughing your head off to twice weekly, I understand the value of creating. I take my humor and bitterness very seriously, because you deserve to have the most creative bitter blogging possible. Most people live their whole lives in peaceful bliss and true happiness, without experiencing the true excitement of a post that will take their joy and make them truly bitter. True creative bitter experiences don’t come along that often.

I feel for those people. I really do. When people have all that happiness and don’t have me to help them channel it into bitterness, they turn to self-destruction. That’s why when I took a mind-reading poll of all my readers, it showed that 100% of them are completely bitter and not destructive.

In my spare time, when I’m not doing my part to save at least a few people from insanity and self-destruction, I like to watch Netflix or play video games. I was watching this Michael Bay movie over the weekend that starred Ryan Reynold called Underground 6 and it was about something and explosions.

Michael Bay is famous for taking lots of money and then blowing it up. And by that, I mean, he makes really expensive movies and has lots of explosions. In this movie, basically the whole first scene was 4 people in a car ruining the ancient beautiful country of Italy (I assume Rome, but I wasn’t paying attention to the titles). I’m pretty sure that in 20 minutes of film, they destroyed the entire city. I don’t know what the real cost would have been, but I imagine in the trillions.

Since Ryan Reynolds character was only a billionaire, he would have had to find the rest of the worlds billionaires and perhaps every piece of money available in all our countries combined in order to pay that destruction back.

But don’t worry, he left that city behind like it was Sodom and Gomorrah. He didn’t even look back so he could become a pillar of salt.

Just moseyed into one of his safe underground bunkers and talked with his underground 6 like he hadn’t just left a city in ruins. In fact, he had moved on quite quickly to plot the destruction of a new city/country, but only to take down one really bad dictator. Because he was ruining that country. But don’t worry, it was to save the people.

I find it quite ironic that in order to for all these superheroes to save the city, they have to destroy most of it. This is not to say that I don’t contribute to this ongoing destruction, by watching these movies about destruction, but it is insane the amount of money that Hollywood has spent on destroying places so they can make money.

As a creator, and as a guy that can’t seem to make a lot of money himself, I almost can’t watch these movies anymore. When I’m at home, I get mad at my kids when they leave the light on when they aren’t using it or leaving the air conditioning on when they are sleeping. In this economy, I’m watching an action movie, like an insurance adjuster.

“Hey guys, that scrape you left on your Lamborghini, that’s going to cost you $5500 for that scratch. Do you have any idea how much your insurance rates are going to go up in the next six months?”

“Fellas, the city isn’t going to be too happy that you knocked down that fire hydrant. The hydrant itself is going to take the fire department $10,000 to repair and think of all that wasted water. Some kids might not get clean drinking water for a week because you were trying to save the city from a maybe bad guy.”

And I love the fight scenes don’t get me wrong, but is that dainty little blonde girl who is in the CIA really going to be able to take down the Rock or even Vin Diesel? Maybe if they kick them in the center spot, they could distract them for a little bit, but I have a hard time believing that there are many people in the world that could take either of them down. I’m just saying.

I would be following these guys all around town, like I follow my kids around when they are turning on light. I would really put a damper on their really fun car chase.

Don’t get me wrong, I love destruction in the movies. And I can suspend my belief a little if that is what “the laws of the story universe” allow. But as a creator, dad and cheapskate, it’s getting harder and harder to buy the amount of destruction our poor earth can handle in all these movies. I’m sure New York, Europe and Russia have been taken down at least 100 times each in movies.

With all this destruction in movies, me and the other creators are just going to have to create some new story elements that help us equal out the creator/destruction ratio closer to 1:1. We’re going to create new supercool action-movie-proof Teflon cities to combat all the destruction. Insurance adjusters and creators to the rescue. All of sudden, we’d be the heroes and they would be the nerds. They can try to destroy them, but we’ll be stronger.

We may actually allow the to destroy our decaying cities though. They can have New York, Detroit, Chicago and others while we’re working on the other places. Then when they level them, we’ll come back and make the cool again. We’ll even use some industrial strength Febreze so when they started trying to make it smell bad again, we’ll use those neutralizing smell bubbles to make their vomit smell like lavender.

Welcome to the new balanced movie universe.

Destruction is cool, but so is creation.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Hollywood Destruction Ben