Energy Crisis Bitter Friday Giftures

I bet when you woke up this morning, you had no idea that a bitter blogger could solve all your problems. And yet, here we are. By the end of this post, you will not only have the energy crisis solved, but almost all your problems. I don’t know if I will help you solve the Rubik’s Cube, but just about everything else.

But first, let’s talk about how I feel like I’ve had the worst timing ever. Like that time I was watching 16 Candles, a PG movie from the 80’s, with my wife on a DVD player. We both forgot about the shower scene until just at the precise moment when my father walked behind us and said, “What are you two watching!” I was 27 at the time, but I might as well have been 16 in my room and my dad walked in on me doing something.

For once, thought, I actually had good timing. Back in October 2020, my Dodge Caliber was 12 years old and starting to wear down a bit. My wife was saying that it might be time to replace the old grey monster. We were both thinking I needed a small commuter car that had really good gas mileage, so we started looking at smart cars, a Vespa, or possibly a scooter. One day, out of nowhere, she decided that we should stop at this tiny used car lot. It was almost closed, so we figured it was perfect timing. Used car dealers don’t want to stay past their closing time just to sell a car.

So we stopped and asked him about the cars. They only sold electric cars, which wasn’t really on our radar. Who would ever need or want an electric car? I don’t know where to plug them in, and they probably run out of battery and could leave you stranded (Like say a hypothetical situation where you go to a concert in Salt Lake City and blast the air really high and then think you can float home on battery fumes, but end up having to charge your car at a Dairy Queen parking lot at 2 am or something, hypothetically). I guess no road trips in that thing ever…Two days later that guy sold us on a full electric Fiat 500e. It’s no Tesla, but it also doesn’t cost gas. Two years later, here everyone is, complaining about gas prices, and I’m complaining about our how our electric bill goes up $20 every month. ARRRRGGHGHHH

Of course, I’m still in an energy crisis, because my wife has one of those gas cars, and everything else needs gas like my house, delivery trucks and that oh so vital jar of petroleum jelly we need for our cracked feet. I can live without heat in the house, but can’t imagine a world with cracked feet.

So how am I going to solve all your energy needs, you might ask? With Energon Cubes of course. If you don’t know what energon cubes are, then first of all, you weren’t cool enough to grow up in the 80’s, or you lived in the 80’s and were too stuck up to watch the greatest cartoon and toy ever.

Energon cubes were these amazing cubes filled with raw power that fueled the Transformers life. It’s the whole reason why Megatron stayed on earth, instead of ditching out once he woke up. He stole all our oil, gas, hydroelectric, solar, wind and even our lava power and converted them into the coolest energy ever, energon cubes. In one famous episode, Megatron drank so much energon, he got…a little tipsy.

Megatron having a little too much Energon.

The key to our energy crisis isn’t buying oil from Saudi’s or drilling in Texas. The key is bringing all the Transformer’s out of hiding and help them make energon cubes. Then we pass out as much energon as we all need. They will fuel our homes, cars, jets and helicopters and my private plane with energon. It’s 100% environment friendly (the cubes, not their drilling to the center of the earth to get it part), and it’s free. All they ask is a portion for themselves, and permits so they can build a space bridge to Cybertron in order to transport their portion.

Thier bridge might cause a slight gravity rift in the universe, which pulls Cybertron much closer to us, while almost destroying our world, but guys, eyes on the prize, FREE ENERGON!

Crisis solved. Am I a genius or what?

You know what else I’m going to do for you? Solve all your other problems with some Bitter Friday Giftures…

I know I fixed airline travel last week by teaching you to fly…

…but having your own Transformer is much cooler.

I know your next big problem is inflation…

…but I got you covered with this Transformer that changes into an inflatable trampoline.

You’re worried about supply chain issues…

…but Hook and Grappler will help you weakling humans to unload this ship in a giphy.

Trying to figure out your taxes?…

…they don’t call him Optimus Prime Rate for nothing.

Your kid struggling to make the basketball team?…

…not after a few sessions with the leader of the Autobots.

How about a quick trip to Mars?…

…Astrotrain can not only get you there but give you a subway ride to work once you get there.

Need a little help with your comedy routine?…

…Devastator can help you work the kinks out.

How about traffic?…

…these guys cut right through any traffic jams.

Problems with depression?…

…how can you be depressed with Jazz around?

Need the nations to get along better?…

…Ironhide and Ratchet can get peace in the Middle East.

Getting too many robo calls?…

…Blackberry will scare the crap out of all those calls.

Trying to get ahead in your career?…

…Chromedome will help you get a head in life.

So I solved almost all your problems like I promised, but you probably have more problems than the 20 or so listed here. Trust me, Transformers solve ALL your problems. Test me out in the comments. I promise you, they will solve all of them. I can even name one that can help. See you in the comments.


Bitter Energy Crisis Ben

13 thoughts on “Energy Crisis Bitter Friday Giftures

  1. I had to come here, since you were so thoughtful to visit my new blog–thanks! I think if you could bottle your humor, you could save the human race (well, maybe). Mostly what made me laugh, since I don’t know anything else about what you were describing–was the comment that you could live without heat in the house but can’t imagine a world with cracked feet! Question: does petroleum jelly really work for that, and if so how do you avoid getting it all over everything–socks??


  2. Friends of mine took off in their new electric car for a winter drive. Hypothetically, they should have made it to their destination and back since they left with a full battery charge. However, they dared to use the heater. They enjoyed their hotel stay. When will they create a car that runs on bitterness?


  3. Clearly you grew up in the Boy 80s. I grew up in the Girl 80s, where all our problems were solved with Rainbow Brite Star Sprinkles, Punky Power, and Jerrica’s magic earrings that turn you into Jem. 💫

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This sounds like the perfect solution; really bummed I didn’t think of it first! My mind isn’t what it used to be. Back in the day we popped little sugar cube thingies but I’m pretty sure they weren’t soaked in Energon. 🤤


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