You probably don’t know this about me, but I’m on a wanted poster in my old college town. I broke multiple laws while I was there, and now I’m their public enemy number one. I broke some laws while I was there, but I was never caught for them. The first one was the dangerous activity of starting a snowball fight. For this is the reason, no Hallmark Christmas shows can be filmed there, because Hallmark has a law that all Christmas movies must have a staged and forced looking snowball fight between the two romantic partners.

For just that infraction alone, I should be rotting away in their small-town jail. But I didn’t stop there. I was responsible for a mass riot on campus that caused a food shortage for literally 10 hours. I started a food fight, which was also illegal. Luckily, I wasn’t hit in the head by a potato, which was 90% of the food in the cafeteria, but a donut, which I must say was pretty delicious.

Fun Fact: It had pink frosting and sprinkles, which pre-dated Homer’s Simpson’s historic first eating of one on the Simpsons. If Twitter was a thing back then, the food fight I started would have been trending as #pinkdonutriots. I’m still waiting for Matt Groening to put my name in the acknowledgements at the end of the Simpsons for inspiring the Homer Simpson pink donut. I’d also like royalties on the Pink Homer Simpson donut they sell at Universal Studios.

None of those were the reason why there is a wanted poster in the offices of my alma mater. The incident for which I’m BANNED FOR LIFE actually happened AFTER I left the two-year college to pursue a much less fun education (the kind where I had to study). That happened when my friend (who will remain anonymous for his safety) and I went on a road trip to visit the college for an conference he was attending. I just tagged along.

We were poor planners and great improvisors, so we went without a place to stay. That’s not technically true. We planned to sleep under the stadium. But, as we wandered around, we found one of the few apartments on campus that was open. We happened to meet some nice girls that were staying there and told them our situation. They let us stay on their floor, which I have say beat camping under the stadium. Since it was summer, I was wearing shorts, but also brought a pair of pajama pants in case it got cold that night.

We then attended a dance the next night, where we got wild dancing with our new friends. Every time the Hammer song, “2 Legit 2 Quit” came on, we always jumped up and down and did the hand motions. I got a little too into it and somehow my hands were pulling down my pajama pants without my permission. The security guard swooped in immediately and pulled me aside.

“Sir, we are going to have to ask you to leave this dance immediately. Also, you’ve been banned for life from this campus.” (For the record, my shorts were on underneath the pants, which was never considered in my trial.) The picture of my face is still up in the administrative office today.

You know something like that won’t stop ME though. I snuck onto campus a few years ago, with a clever disguise. I completely changed appearance. All I had to do was age 20 years, get much balder, out of shape and greyer. Also, I had a much worse outlook on life and I looked way more defeated in life. I couldn’t have disguised myself better if I had worn a Jason Voorhees mask. (It’s Friday the 13th today, after all.)

They might catch up with my older appearance soon, but just wait until I’m 90 years old. I might even be able to start another food fight, with snowballs, while pulling down by pants at a dance.

Enough reminiscing about my old felony days…Let’s get to the Bitter Friday Giftures shall we?

You think Jason was rejected as a child…

Now that we got the Friday the 13th thing over with…

For instance, Nunchucks were banned in NEW YORK in the 70’s…

Some pre-1985 books were banned…

Joker wasn’t banned from society for killing people…

Kinder eggs with inedible components…

Skydiving while drunk is banned…

According to some laws…

For some reason, in some places…

Ironically, in 15 states and some municipalities…

Human clones are banned…

Or…

And what happened to Vin Diesel’s twin brother…

As you can see, I’m not the only one to embarrass the institutions that I attended. Many people, places and things are almost as toxic as I was to my university. The thing that humans don’t get is when someone or something is banned, they just make people more curious, because they want to know why they are banned. So I assume, people are just going to be more interested in me soon. Except, I’m always the exception to the rule.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Banned For Life Ben