My brother told me a couple of months ago that he was moving into a new house. I half-heartedly told him I would help, without any intentions of doing so. Since I was responsible for making him a huge sucess in the world, (by showing him what not to do) I figured he would find someone else to ACTUALLY help him, like the 2-year old next door neighbor that is much better at lifting heavy things than I am. But then he called to actually help.

I tried to claim that I was too busy sitting on the couch, eating M&M and having R&R to do anything for HIM. But he said the 2-year old neighbor was busy, so I would have to come up with something different. I tried to claim my son had a baseball game that night, but my wife yelled over my shoulder that he did not. I tried to make the excuse that my friends were coming over for a party, but he saw right through that one too. “You don’t have any friends and you don’t ever have parties.” Dang it!

I was without excuses, so I finally had to go and help. I don’t like lifting things other than remote controls and plates with pizza on them. But he made me lift a bag full of packing peanuts, a box full of paper clips and a really heavy pillow full of feathers. I was completely exhausted after that, so I found a nice hiding place in the basement and played games on my phone for two hours before they found me and asked if I wanted pizza for helping him out. Of course, I agreed to eat pizza.

When we sat down, I started criticizing the two-year-old neighbor kid for wimping out on helping move, but my brother told me she was selling Young Living scents at a “tea party with her friends”. “Ughh,” I sighed. “No wonder no one likes her. She’s just trying to recruit people to her MLM.”

Everyone knows someone that’s a part of a cult (err, MLM). It could be scents, skin care, jewelry, or baskets. It’s probably someone you kind of knew, and then they invited to a “tea party” and then they had this “expert” show up to sell you junk that you didn’t want and then told you that if you had “tea parties” to sell that junk to someone else and signed someone up under you, you could make a lot of money.

Did you know that zombies first started recruiting people through MLM’s? They would lure people to zombie parties and show them the excitement of being a zombie, using persuasive zombie tactics with an expert zombie seller. Then they would try to get a zombie downline by signing up people underneath them. The problem they ran into wasn’t that people didn’t want to be zombies, but that they would have to sell zombism to their friends. Whenever they started inviting their friends to parties, they would lose them as friends and they started getting ignored on Facebook.

That’s when I consulted with zombies about their marketing strategy. I changed it from recruiting people through pyramid schemes to the current, more aggressive strategy of killing people and turning-them-into-zombies approach. You might recognize that period as a huge part of Zombie Inc.’s massive growth.

That isn’t to say that MLM’s don’t work in one situation. For instance, you noticed above that my brother pointed out that I have no friends. That was always intentional. A long time ago, people wanted to be my friend, because they like bitter people as entertainment. Grouches like Oscar, Dwight Shrute and Hannibal Lecter are fun at parties because people love observing what bitter people will say. When I noticed that people liked me at parties so they could show off my bitterness to their friends, I started my strategy of inviting them to my MLM parties. Soon enough, I had no friends.

Like I said, MLM’s work in one situation. You know what else works in MLM situations? A downline of Bitter Friday Giftures….

When my brother asked me to move…

2-year-old acting like they’re grown…

On the other hand…

When actually…

Hey, it takes a lot of work…

While the kid clams she is busy…

When in actuality…

The zombies tried the MLM…

But they found that they were losing…

And they were losing…

Once they started getting more aggressive…

And Zombie Inc. became…

And MLM’s lost me all the friends…

In the end, MLM’s can either be a bane or a boon, depending on your goals. If you want to successfully recruit people to your company or cause, don’t start an MLM. But if success to you is no one near you, start an MLM immediately!

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Zombie MLM Ben