I’m one of the few billion people in the history of the world to have lived in 49 different years, 6 different decades, 2 different centuries, and 2 different millenia. If you were really bad at math and not particularly good at details you would think I was a thousand years old. And if you looked at all the wrinkles, the lack of hair on my head, and my bent over walk, you would probably be pretty close with that guess.
If you haven’t guessed by now, 49 years ago, bitterness was officially released into the world. Nice people the world over felt a pit in their stomach that they couldn’t explain. Since that day, they haven’t been able to shake that feeling. Just so they know, it was me. I am pit in their stomach. The Peach Pit. As has been a tradition since I turned 40, I give you just a small sampling of the things that make me bitter. One for every year I’ve been alive.
- Lists. I hate when people do really long lists of things. Or short lists.
2. Tuesday Nights – Tuesday Days are bad enough.
3. Tips. If you think you deserve one, then earn it. Tip over a cow and I’ll tip you. But not money. I’ll tip you over.
4. Sun – Too far away and it’ll freeze like Lambeau Field in January. Too close and we’ll burn Utica to the ground.
5. The Shape of Hearts – Why are Valentine’s Hearts shaped like that? Hearts have four chambers and have a bunch of blood vessels attached to them. How is that a symbol of love?
6. Hats – They started as a way for baseball players to cover their eyes from the sun. They devolved into a way to cover bald dads heads.
7. The name Drones – For something so active that it can perform aerial maneuvers, deliver packages and shoot missles, it seems like they could come up with a name that doesn’t remind me of a boring speaker.
8. Jumping – The only way to get to conclusions.
9. Glasses – How did the evolve from something to drink stuff in to being used to help blind people see better?
10. Shields – What do Captain America, Wonder Woman and Pokemon have in common? I’m not sure. That is three things that have nothing in common.
11. Swords – I really like puns, sword of.
12. Alleys – The most sketchy of hallways, kind of a weird name.
13. Remote Controls – It doesn’t matter if it is remote or not, you have no control.
14. Rope – Tying knots with rope in scouts was my least favorite part of scouts, well…besides actually being in scouts.
15. Teeth – Why do humans have such non-threatening teeth? Even dogs and cats have scarier teeth. And vampires.
16. Moving – Whether it is moving all your useless stuff into boxes and loading them into vans and relocating across the country, or just moving off the couch, all moving sucks.
17. Breath – Seems like we could find a more efficient way to stay alive by now. If we weren’t so busy breathing, we could be doing something valuable like laying on the couch.
18. Play Station – Much better than spending time at the work station, but less valuable that a rest station.
19. Heartburn – Ironic that Valentine’s Reese’s and your Heart shaped Pizza causes heartburn.
20. Ships – Relation-ships, friend-ships, Yacht-ships, all kinds of bull-ship.
21. Stripping – I’m talking about the tool that strips wires you sickos.
22. Holes – I’m talking about the movie about those kids digging holes, you sickos.
23. Trigger Warnings – A statement at the beginning of a piece of writing or video that contains potentially distressing material. I’m pretty sure anything of substance should contain this crap, because people are triggered by everything. So here is my trigger warning, but in the middle, because you don’t deserve one at the beginning.
24. Blockers – I wish Ad Blocker worked.
25. Migraine – Is way better than Yourgraine.
26. Watch – Apple, Samsung, they all suck. Just look at your phone and spare your wrist that extra .02 ounce of weight it is carrying.
27. All Days – are bad. Nights are a little better.
28. Pedicure – Manicure. I wish there was cure for all these cures.
29. Models – I’m talking about model building kits, you sickos.
30. Wings – Prayers, and some people’s words. It seems like everything is hanging on them.
31. Struggling – My favorite move in Pokemon. When they run out of moves, they struggle. I guess that is the same as humans.
32. Pain – is just struggle leaving the body. Or weakness, or something stupid like that.
33. Comedy Central – I would really call it The Office repeats. And honestly they would get more ratings if they just called it that.
34. Batman – Claims he is vengeance, but the only vengeance he has to deal with is his dead parents. I have to deal with all those people that didn’t give me all their money.
35. Notebook – I’ve read notebooks that were more interesting than the The Notebook.
36. Dead People – I don’t see them, but they are more interesting than alive people.
37. Price savers – People save $1000 by spending $500, thought I’m still out $500, so saving $1000 cost me $500.
38. Lab – Used for creating chemical reactions. I’ve got a chemical reaction you can create. Bitterness mixed with Vengeance. That doesn’t make the Batman. It makes the Bitterman.
39. Poison – Comes in the form of pills, liquid or toxic co-workers.
40. Words – Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will cause even more bitterness.
41. Fire – Nothing worse the destructive power of fire that can burn a house or a forest down, except maybe the burn a Reese’s can cause heartburn.
42. Literal – Literally the most misused word in the English language, except for Hyperbole.
43. Associates – A euphemism for underling or employee by an insane employer or overlord.
44. Translations – What I need when talking to someone that speaks a different language or when talking to one of my kids.
45. Sulfur – Actually smells better than me after I get back from the gym.
46. Settings – Has everything you need to change everything you want to change on your accounts, except for the one thing that you actually need to change at the moment.
47. Burn – Not another reference to fire and heartburn. What people do to you every day at work when they roast you.
48. Negotiating – When nobody gets what they want and they pretend to they did.
49. Tabs – My work computer has at least 100 open at all times. My home computer 45. I can’t understand why I can never finish anything without having to rebo
Sorry about that. Had to reboot. Just like my life everytime I turn another age. Excuse me while my wife hits my reboot button. It will take me a few months to restart, so see you in July.
Bitter 49 Reasons Ben