Being 49 isn’t easy. You should ask the San Franciso 49er’s. They haven’t won a Super Bowl since 1994, which is when I returned home from a mission, and the next day this really slow-moving white Ford Bronco was in a police chase. I had no idea what it was because I had not really paid attention to the news for the last two years.

Slow chase.

Turns out it was this guy that was named O. J. Simpson. He was a football player, but not for the 49er’s. He played for the Buffalo Bills, who had lost 4 consecutive Super Bowls. I know winning Super Bowls aren’t easy, because I’ve never won one, and only one team seems to win one every year. Except for Tom Brady. He seems to win every year, and then decides to retire for a few weeks and then comes back every year for some reason.

Or course, he’s only 44 years old, which means he has 5 good years on me. And he gets to retire soon. Me, well, I have at least 16 years, if not more, because the cost of retiring is skyrocketing, which is bad, because I don’t have a skyrocket, because they are expensive. If I bought one, that would set me back even more years until I retire. Maybe I should work for the government because they get to subsidize their salaries with side businesses like bribes from other countries and stealing money “legally” money from 1,500 page bills that no one ever reads, that includes money from pet projects they have in their own states that will just give to them for “considerations”.

Or I could just invest in stocks that, you know, I would have insider trading information about since I would know what things would go up in certain industries that would be affected in bills that I sign. Or I could get more job satisfaction by working at the DMV that makes people wait really long for no reason at all. Then just when I have to serve a customer, I would claim that I have to take a state mandated 30-minute smoke break, even though I don’t smoke. I would then come back to my angry customers needing to speak to me about something specific. But I would tell them that their request isn’t something that I handle and they would have to stand in another really long line that handles their specific request.

Working at the DMV.

I could work as a drug dealer because they don’t work really long hours and they make quite a bit of money. Though I don’t know if I would like that because drug dealers have to interact with lots of people. They have their die-hard loyal customers that will pay me their life savings just to get my products. Then there are people that have a lot of problems with my small business. First, they keep insisting that my small business license isn’t legit and, second they always seem to want to come to my place of business with guns and screaming and threatening. I guess there are just some people that don’t really respect entrepreneurs and their small business side hustles.

Or I could be a legal drug dealer, but that business seems a lot less interesting. But they seem to have even more regulations than illegal drug dealers, because they can’t make claims. You know, claims like these supplements can cure cancer, or burn all your fat. Just because I claim it could happen, doesn’t mean I’m promising it will.

I just think you guys are so lucky to have me explain life to you. And just so you know, I’m not mansplaining. This is bittersplaining, which is way different, so you can’t get mad at me. Bittersplaining can only come from a guy in his late 40’s who has dedicated his life to finding bitterness where there is joy. Or finding bitterness where there is peace. Or finding bitterness where there is happiness.

I would send you my resume, and all my accomplishments, but I think my name speaks for itself. If you don’t think I’m uniquely qualified to do the job of bittersplaining, then I don’t think you are worth getting bittersplained to.

On the other hand, if you want to be bittersplained to, there are many more posts on this very blog that will be glad to lecture to you. I can even explain how to get there. Click this link.


Bittersplainer Ben


10 thoughts on “Bittersplaining

  1. Or I could be a legal drug dealer Wouldn’t that mean you were a pharmacist… and wouldn’t that mean you’d have to go back to college… and wouldn’t that make you extremely bitter? It seems like a win-win to me.


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