Bitter Tomatoes Friday Giftures

Last night I was on Tik Tok, which of course is where I get all my information and inspiration. I saw a Tik Tok yesterday that caught my attention. If you go on Tik Tok a lot like I do, you probably notice a lot of “couples comedy”. A lot of them do pranks, which I think are hilarious (not at all) and some roast each other. One of my favorites is where a husband does a quick roast and then Coolio plays while the wife throws something at him. The one I saw last night was a husband that did a weekly ranking of his wife. He gave her a happiness score(8/10), a satisfaction score (take that however you want) and head scratches score. Well that one was a head scratcher for me too, but whatever floats your goat I guess.

This got me thinking about how much more I need to judge people.

There are a few places in life where we are judged. Singing competitions like The Voice, movies on Rotten Tomatoes or just about every movie on Hallmark has some sort of pie judging contest.

Yelp, Google and Amazon have ratings. But they only allow you to judge products. But what about everything else? I think we need a place where we can rate EVERYTHING. So my new venture is creating Bitter Tomatoes, where you rate not just movies or video games. We rate everything.

How about the Halloween party you went to last night? It sucked as bad as mine, I’m sure. The party started late (was supposed to start at 6:30 pm) and seemed like it would never end (I thought at 6:45pm). Thanks to my bitter rating of them, they might improve it next year, though improving a -10 to a -5 isn’t much of an improvement.

The Bible is always saying how you shouldn’t judge other people, but judging other people is the most important thing to do. How are people supposed to get better if we aren’t telling them how much they suck (or in my case, how am I supposed to get worse, if you keep telling me how great I am?)

Other things that need to be rated: Air. As you know, most oxygen has a pretty toxic personality and is getting worse at helping us breathe everyday. We do our part by returning pretty good CO2 to the air, but they aren’t really giving us a good return on investment. A lot of critics are constantly harping on people to improve the air, but if air is just creating a toxic work environment, and isn’t working on improving itself, how can it expect people to care about air? Just be a better air. 2 out 10 on Bitter Tomatoes.

Deer. They have a lot to improve on. First, the droppings. Can we get a little better at using a toilet? Leaving dropping on roads is kind of gross. How would you like us to leave our dropping in your woods? Second, not very good at staying out of roads. I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen one deer with a legal driver’s licenses, and I can see why. They haven’t figured out how 4 way stops work, or how even the right way to cross roads. Even elementary kids know you are supposed to wait for the crossing guard to put out the sign before you can cross. Deer are leading whole families across roads without regard for their kids. Sheesh. 1 and 1/2 stars and I’m being generous.

Other people’s kids. Speaking of not being able to stay out of roads, I have to rate my neighbor’s kids a 1 out of 10. Poor spatial relation skills. When I am hovering behind you with my car and you are in your little motorized car that only goes 1 mile an hour, pull to the side of the road, kid. And parenting rating for those kids is a -5 out of 100. If your kids think roads are for them, you haven’t done a very good job of introducing your kids to TV. You can ignore them there too, but it’s inside so you don’t have to worry about accidents.

You aren’t here for the commentary though, so here are Giftures(commentary 1/100, Gifs 8/10)…

Your Bitter Tomatoes ranking is not looking good…

awesome love island GIF by TV4
…unless average is your aim.

12 points would be good…

sign voting GIF by Eurovision Song Contest
…if the scale weren’t out of a 1000.

I have to say…

Celebrate Happy Birthday GIF by Cameo
…that your Bitter Tomatoes birthday ratings have been sliding since I was 10.

The Days of the week Bitter Tomato ratings…

Fun Reaction GIF by Justin
…are way down, with the exception of part of Saturday and Sunday afternoons.

I must say…

Gordon Ramsey Idiot GIF
…lately, your sandwiches rank pretty low on the Bitter Tomato scale.

If you don’t start paying attention to your Bitter Tomato score soon…

GIF by South Park
…get ready for cancellation.

Yes…

Twitch Quote GIF by Hyper RPG
…we need more of this.

Yeah, well…

trina braxton goodbye GIF by Braxton Family Values
…get used to it, because there is going to be way more.

This is precisely why…

Not Listening Pete Davidson GIF by Saturday Night Live
…we need more criticism.

How are kids ever going to get better…

Snl Teacher GIF by Saturday Night Live
…if we never judge them at how bad they are at things?

Yeah, your tools are weak…

Rachel Dratch Snl GIF by Saturday Night Live
…but not as weak as you.

Let’s just get to the judging…

look down prince harry GIF by Robert E Blackmon
…of other people.

It’s time to stop holding our judgements to ourselves. Yeah, you probably have some sick burns in your mind about how great this blog post was, but stop keeping them to yourselves. Get out your hammer and start finding some nails. Leave a comment about how highly you rate this blog, this post, and all my bitterness. I know it will be tough to find grammar errors, inconsistencies, plot holes, and tethers to reality, but they are there. And let’s be honest, there are errors all over the place with other people. So just start pointing them out and giving them Bitter Tomato ratings.

Give me your Bitter Tomato rating in the comments.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Tomato Ben

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