Free Speech Bitter Friday Giftures

Some people would say that I’m a bit of a hermit. Others would call me offputting, and still others would say that I can’t stand other people, other people’s kids, kids or humans. Some people would even say that I wear headphones almost all the time in order to avoid talking to people. To those people I would say…nothing. Because why would I say anything to people. They don’t deserve my words.

But if I was to say anything to a species of which I despise, I would say all those statements are absolutely true. Communicating with people just leads to talking and discussing things. And if I was to share my life changing thoughts with them, they might want to be friends, and that I don’t need. Friendship just leads to spending time together, talking more (which is exhausting and mostly pointless) and having to care about and give things to. Who needs more people leaching off of you? That’s what a family is for.

Now I’m going to say something controversial. Especially because I live in America and I don’t believe in one of the most fundamental rights that we have.

I don’t believe in free speech. I repeat, I don’t believe in free speech. The founders of this country made a grave mistake by making free speech the first amendment of the Constitution.

Let me explain why.

I believe that people should pay me for my speech. From the immortal words of the Joker, “If you are good at something, never do it for free.”

Not all of my speech is worth your money. Some introductory words for the day, and curt answers to questions like “Do you want pizza?” aren’t worth the big bucks, but most of my speech is worth its weight in gold. Why do you think I don’t talk very much? Because so far, I haven’t been paid for it. If I start seeing some dollar bills in my bank account, then you will start seeing more words. I might even engage in some small talk, which you know I despise. People do a lot of things begrudgingly so they can feed their families. I will begrudgingly use my words, to finish my basement.

If you haven’t noticed, blogs are words too. So here are some Bitter Friday Giftures. Send your payment for these words to my Venmo @ben-gardner-18 to see them.

If you want anything from me…

Bored Blah Blah Blah GIF
…other than this, you are going to pay.

Want some gabbing on the phone…

la respuesta GIF by Becky G
…that’s really going to cost you.

Texting is a little cheaper…

the mindy project text GIF by HULU
…unless you want wittiness. That is way more.

Participation in meetings…

Parks And Recreation Nbc GIF by HULU
…well, let’s just say you can’t afford that.

The only thing more expensive than a meeting…

Elevate Season 8 GIF by Curb Your Enthusiasm
…is morning small talk.

Cheaper options include…

Tom Ellis Lucifer Netflix GIF by Lucifer
…me telling funny stories where you don’t interrupt.

Me saying yes…

Dance Vibing GIF by QuikTrip
…to your offer of free pizza.

Me talking about…

Video Games Friends GIF by The Office
…video games…

Talking about…

Angry Season 2 GIF by The Office
…The Office…

Or reviewing…

los angeles film GIF
…my favorite Christmas movies.

A couple other cheaper options include…

fail fun and games GIF
…telling kids to go away on Halloween.

Or a constant smattering of…

The Office Boom GIF
…Boom Roasting you all day long.

Alright, cheapskates, this is your last freebie. Just like all the other marketing products out there, you got your free 2 day trial, or your alloted words per day. From now on, if you want to “understand the words coming out of my mouth!”, you’re going to have to pay. No more free speech around here. Price list available upon request.

ARRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Free Speech Dissenter Ben

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