Mirrors are such liars. I wake up every morning knowing that I am handsome and funny like Steve Carell, but as soon as I look in the mirror, I see this strange, weird, bitter older looking guy. So they are pretty useless and bad liars.
It’s this time of year, that I finally realize that mirrors have a purpose. It’s when I get to take a look at the reflection and ask the man in the mirror a question. I always ask him “What have you done?” and he looks back at me and says, “I didn’t do anything!” and then with a clear conscience, I can go about my day knowing like Michael Scott said, “I understand nothing.”
Then I wonder aloud to my mirror, “What is this life all about?” And just like George Costanza says about his show, “It’s about…nothing.”
But then I remember that I get the easiest task of my year (on my birthday), which is to tell you 48 things (one for every year old I am) that I’m bitter about. And I keep thinking, ONLY 48? Come on, man! But I have to limit myself. You know how the Zach Snyder Justice League Cut was so much better than the garbage that Joss Whedon put in the theater? Well, this is the Joss Whedon version. The Snyder Cut will come out right before I die.
Anyways, without further ado or backstory, here is 48 Things I’m Bitter About:
1 – House Plants – They take up space, they steal all your carbon dioxide, and give you back nothing but dry, dead leaves.
2 – Aviator Sunglasses – Unless you are Tom Cruise in Top Gun or an aviator in real life, they are so unnecessary.
3 – Speed Bumps – These are only meant to take the responsibility off of parents watching their kids and placing it on my shocks.
4 – Hacking – Why do you need a hatchet to break into my computer?
5- Facebook – This actually the real virus. You know how I know? Yesterday, it was down for like 5 minutes, and my whole job stopped.
6 – Baseball – 99% of it is spent outdoors, getting hot, doing nothing and even the ultimate play, the grand slam is better in the form of a Denny’s breakfast.
7 – Twitter – They allow 280 characters per tweet, but have none when it comes to people.
8 – Naps – They only last 15 minutes when they should be at least 8-10 hours.
9 – Grass – It’s green sometimes, needs to constantly be cut, and is only there because dirt is even uglier.
10 – Automatic – The things we want to be automatic aren’t, and the things we want manual are automatic.
11 – Headphones – Not near good enough at blocking out co-workers or anything else annoying.
12 – Speech – So much work. Do you have any idea how many words are just useless? Like, if we actually had a word editor on our speech, we would edit, copy or paste like 90% of it?
13 – NFT’s – Nothing in the world is worth $69 million, but definitely not a piece of digital art.
14 – Glue – Now that is a sticky situation.
15 – Stamps – You could make them 1 cent again, people still aren’t going to mail letters anymore.
16 – Knots – The only use for these are getting a Scouting merit badge.
17 – Underline – They are like those people in meetings that can’t think of original things so they say what the boss says but with more emphasis.
18 – Facial Hair – It itches.
19 – Brushes – At this point in my life, why?
20 – Nails – They hold things together sometimes, but have you ever scraped one across a chalkboard? Amazingly irritating.
21 – Lists – Have you ever produced a super long list of things? Like seriously, who reads even 10 out of your 48 things on a list?
22 – Coins – I guess they are good for clogging up fountains at malls that barely exist anymore?
23 – Punctuation – It’s always interrupting words, sentences and making everything way more confusing?!
24 – Style – Supposedly people at magazines (or websites) dictate what kind we are supposed to have, but who has time for that, when I just need coverings of my nakedness so people don’t have to see all of this.
25 – Standing out – They need to make their minds up about this. Do they want us to stand out, so we are different, or do they want us to be hammered?
26 – Convertibles – Again, can we make up our minds? Do you want the top up or the top down?
27 – Lungs – If it weren’t for lungs I wouldn’t be so dependent on oxygen.
28 – Award shows – Useless people giving each other useless awards for useless movies, music and television shows.
29 – Justice – Who wants justice when vengeance is so much sweeter?
30 – Numbers – Why do we dedicate so much of our lives to numbers? How much we weigh, what time we have to get to work, how much is in our bank account? How many we have to list on our blog about 48 years?
31 – Lasik surgery – When I was 30, I got lasik surgery to correct my vision so I would never have to wear glasses again. But some stupid human rule made it so that when you are over 40, your reading vision goes. Talk about a useless surgery.
32 – Cables – How can we say that we are a wireless society when every wireless device still comes with wires and cables?
33 – News – Why do they call it the news when as soon as they say it, it is old?
34 – Water – Good in puns (water you doing?), but as far as drinks go, pretty fricking tasteless.
35 – Tolerance – In other words, just ignore idiots and their idiot words.
36 – Excel – There is nothing Excel-lent about thousands of empty boxes that you have to fill in.
37 – Metaphors – No one ever gets them right, or can understand them. Just tell me exactly what you want. You know like how Michael Scott understands nothing? Maybe they should call them Metafives.
38 – Paystubs – They don’t really give you any money, and all they do is show you how much the fricking Government robs you blind.
39 – Social Security – Why am I paying this every single paycheck when I keep being told there won’t be any for my when I actually retire?
40 – Windows – Less helpful than mirrors because they only allow you to see the outdoors and a pretty poor picture of you.
41 – Monitors – Why do they call them monitors when all they do is show a bunch of 1’s and 0’s? What are they monitoring?
42 – Presidents of HOA’s – Oh my gosh, how useless are these tools? I just ran into mine yesterday (I wish literally with my car) and he told me that saw that I was speeding in the neighborhood according to the signs. He told me to be slow down because parents in the neighborhood aren’t closely watching their kids playing in the roads. I almost pointed out that 1, I watch carefully for kids, even though the parents aren’t closely watching their kids, streets aren’t for kids, but for driving, and that he should not be talking on his phone while driving. Also, he doesn’t clean up his dogs poop in the backyard that we share. I guess I’ll just bring that up next HOA meeting when we are talking about President re-elections.
43 – Taxes – Why not take all my money, you earned every penny. I’m just here at work…FOR YOU.
44 – Mustard – An ode to how tiny things can grow up to annoy the heck out of my sandwich, hot dog or burger.
45 – Pumpkin – I’m pretty sure that isn’t how they taste.
46 – Stereotypes – I’m pretty mine hasn’t ever taken a typing class.
47 – Approval – Like Captain Ahab and Moby Dick, you spend your whole life trying to captures, and never getting.
48 – Empty spaces – Most of my brain.
I’m so sorry for the watered down version of all the things I’m bitter about. I would have gone on, but I only had 5 minutes to produce this list. If you want a longer list, see the previous 1000+ posts, for a broader range of things that make me bitter. Any thing you are bitter about today or ever?
Bitter Endless List of things that make me Bitter Ben