If you’ve ever met me, you know that I can’t stand sharing. When I buy a pizza, and you see me eating it and you comes up to me and ask, “Can I have a slice?” you will see this facial expression that says not only no, but infinity and beyond no. I will think in my mind, “Yes, you can have a slice. A slice of my pizza cutter.” I don’t know what that means, other than no you can’t have a slice of my pizza. Now back away from the pizza and share your horrible personality with someone who wants a slice of that.
So, this last weekend I had this amazing scientific theory proved absolutely true. They say(some scientists) that people tend to get sick right around the time that a vacation or extended holiday is about to occur. The reasoning behind it is that you work really hard to get all your work done before vacation, so you can leave it all behind and go on vacation worry free. Your body was on high alert keeping you healthy while you were in crisis mode, but as soon as you let your guard down to relax, the body allow all that pent up sickness to invade the body. So this weekend, with President’s Day coming, it immediately happened to me as I was driving home.
This makes me bitter, but it probably isn’t why you think. Most people despise being sick and when they are, they just want to lay around at home in front of the TV, under a blanket, taking naps, eating chicken soup, and whining to everyone about how sick they are.
Not me. I love being sick. The reason why I was bitter was because it happened while I was home to recuperate. When I am sick, I actually want to go to WORK. Why? Because all of a sudden the instinct that I have against sharing goes completely away.
I want to be like those kids in High School Musical that sing and dance in the hallways. Touching doorknobs, other people’s desks, people’s keyboards, rummaging around in the fridge, grabbing people by the shoulders and shaking their hands. I want to sing the song of my cough and let it hang in the air, I want my raspy sore throat to soar.
All day long, I actually want to talk to people I normally avoid like the plague, because I want them to enjoy my plague. All day long I want to hear people ask me to back off as I cough horribly nearby. I want to see people jump out of the way in vain as I sneeze.
This is my chance to spread bitterness in its purest form. There is no easier way to make people bitter and uncomfortable than by sharing the one thing they don’t want in physical form. How could I ever want to stay home and not share my bitter gift?
It’s the one time I look forward to visiting my doctor. Perhaps in some little way, I can make him uncomfortable for once. Perhaps I can forget to Purell my hands, or forget to wear one of those blue masks. I get to ask him for the latest prescription of placebo and tell people, “I went to the doctor and got a prescription for this.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I say revenge is a petri dish best served warm.
The world better hope I never get that Coke E-Cola virus, or it is the end of civilization as we know it. Not only will I spread it far and wide, but I will appear on talk shows, game shows, gossip shows, even CSI shows telling people that I was the source. They can keep me in a little cage and try to contain me, but it won’t work. People will start feeling the fizz no matter how many preventative measures they take against me.
But my dream was for naught, because I got sick on the weekend and by the time I got the chance to come back to work, the infection was no longer in effect. Curse you sickness on the weekend! I will get my bitter revenge! You all better pray that next time, I don’t get sick at work, because then it is on…like Donkey Kong Virus!
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Sick Daze Ben
Lol that was hilarious.. I thought i was selfish and hated sharing. You take it to a whole nother level. Great plan. Lol
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I love not sharing with people. It’s great fun keeping things from other people.
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Get well soon Bitter Ben!!
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I’m still spreading the disease as we speak!
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Awww you poor thing! Take care. Coughs and cold bugs are virulent today and linger longer! Get well soon!
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Not a big deal. I’m used to being sick at work.
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Aha! Now I know where those germs came from! Right back acha, Ben! Hope it hits you on a Monday! https://justjoan42.wordpress.com/2016/01/24/better-than-singin-the-blues/
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Oh, I can’t wait to pick the sickness back up on Monday. The sharing will begin in earnest again after being so lazy this weekend.
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“Most people despise being sick and when they are, they just want to lay around at home in front of the TV, under a blanket, taking naps, eating chicken soup, and whining to everyone about how sick they are.” I do this, too! Always makes me feel a lot better. It’s my version of sharing my illness with the people around me >:)
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As long as you share your bitterness with people about being sick, it is just as much as I share my germs and bitterness.
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yes, there is nothing more pleasing…when you have a crappy job…then to go to work deathly ill…and wait…wait….until you have to…throw up all over your desk…and then quickly leave for home. Do not pass go, do not collect $200…take the taxi and share the germs…like a global UN gathering….or, maybe not.
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I think it is the only satisfying thing about having a crappy job…being able to barf and bail. And leaving everyone there to cleanup the mess and your job.
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Hope you washed your hands before typing this … I’ve heard about these internet viruses!
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Nope, I didn’t wash. Enjoy all the viruses I spreading to your computer!
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Gee thanks … not! Never mind, I’ll enjoy passing them on to others. Always amuses me how people say “I’ve got your cold” as if you chose to catch it yourself!
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And you had to have gotten the cold from somewhere. Clearly everyone got it from someone.
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Sharing is caring! Although I think that usually applies to sharing things people actually want… Nah, germs are probably fair game also. 😀
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They are when it comes to me. But hey, I’m just helping people. Their bodies will build up an immunity faster when I expose them to all my germs. Except my bitter germs. Those will always infect them.
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I just love the way you sign off your posts 😀 I laughed greatly at your post but I am simultaneously a little scared of you, is that normal?
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I think that is pretty par for the course. No need to be scared though. I don’t actually do anything about all this, just talk big about it.
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Nothing worse that getting sick on holiday and not being able to claim it back! Being sick is almost frowned upon in some UK establishments to the extent that people come in whilst still ill and spread the germs around the office… then half the office is off sick and the offending employee has to pick up all the slack!
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The worst is when you are on vacation or headed somewhere tropical. I was sick once in Hawaii and that was the worst.
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I’ve often heard of people getting bitter cold. Now, I know the origin. My urologist even named an exam after you. It’s called the “Ben’d Over and Cough.” The treatment truly is worse than the disease.
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My bitter sickness comes from South Dakota, but yes, I think they named the whole Bendover after me. Get ready for some worse symptoms later.
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Ben, I for years somehow always managed to come down with the equivalent of the bubonic plague right before the Super Bowl. And of course, I immediately passed on the black death to my wife because I’m a giving husband if nothing else. Originally, the theory was I was in such distress there was only one game left in the season my immune system was compromised and vulnerable to attack. However, the last couple of winters I have been “out of the office” (code for not working) and now I think it simply came down to being in close proximity to my diseased-ridden co-workers. You know, nothing gets shared in an office like illness. I am not a germophobe but will admit to trying to use Purell whenever it makes sense. It certainly can’t hurt. So…these last two Super Bowls I have enjoyed in perfect health. As has the wife. However, she was going into an office each day these last couple of seasons so either she is working with folks who have equally armed themselves with protection and living some super-clean lives…or there aren’t passionate football fans among the bunch!…
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All I know is I’ve gotten sick several times before big awesome once in a lifetime vacations, like Hawaii and a cruise we went all. Makes me so bitter.
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ahhh lol you’re so hilariously horrible! Two of my favorite things in a person put together! Thanks for making me feel better about hanging out at the library all day with a cold!
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If I can help justify just one other person’s terrible behavior by posting about it, then it is worth my time. Spread the diseases!
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Happy you’re feeling better! I need that pizza t-shirt badly! 😀
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I’ll just find something else to be bitter about, don’t you worry. And yeah that T-shirt should be one under my Bitter T-shirt brand.
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Well, my little plan worked quite well because I was sick too and I spread it to you via the keyboard!!
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Either that or I spread it to you. I guess we will never know, will we?
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Oh, it was definitely me. I was in the sharing mood.
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It’s good to see you are still contagious. I keep hoping somebody will catch my bitterness, but it doesn’t seem to be catching on.
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I would say I caught it but really I think I already had it.
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Yeah, I guess a few people like you already have it, but there’s all these happy people around that just seems to be immune.
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Should we kill them?
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Sounds like fun.
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Interesting. Maybe your bitter sickness rubbed off on me via the Internet bc I, too, was violently ill over the long weekend. I was also mad I couldn’t throw up on the mailman’s face since he had the day off. Some people are just so lazy.
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Well, I’m glad that it works through the internet. I would have liked to have coughed on a government official but it seems they had the day off too. Because they are all so hard working.
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Super post. I also work sick, why waste my “sick days”?
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I’ve worked at my current job for like 14 years or so, and I’ve built up like 3 months worth of sick time. I plan on getting some crazy 3 month disease and taking it all off at the same time, then coming back and infecting the whole office, then quitting.
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Swell plan…I like that!
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I’ve got all kinds of bad ideas!
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fabulous! I have a few myself 🙂
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Most of mine become posts and most of those posts are really bad.
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Not so…still smiling!
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You’re pretty brave.
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or just silly lol.
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Probably mostly that.
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you are on to me:-D
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I’m pretty perceptive about people. Most ly their bitterness, though.
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oh, I have some of that. I drown it in chocolate.
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I’m guessing the bitter kind of chocolate? I was just eating some leftover Valentine’s Candy.
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Bitters good, I have to poke a whole in the center, that makes everyone bitter so I love that.
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Especially when no one will eat stuff that has had holes poked in it already.
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I do, but only if it’s caramel, or maybe raspberry.
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I just can’t mix fruit and chocolate, but caramel, every day of the week.
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I don’t care that much for the fruit but if I am coming near the end of the chocolates, I will eat the raspberry. Oh yes, carmel…love it, it’s not bitter either.
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Yes, that desperate feeling you get when the good chocolate is coming to a bitter end. I even ate a red velvet one today.
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omgosh…that desperate? I did eat a coconut truffle, wasn’t so bad.
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Yep. That desperate. That sounds okay I guess. Coconut is okay with certain things, really bad with others.
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The dentist loves chocolates.
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Yeah, mine just got a fortune from me last year. I think he was just making up cavities though. He showed me some black and white x-ray and pretended it was a cavity.
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They do that…grrr.
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And they do it with their pearly white smiles…
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they are devious!
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I like to make fun of my dentist.
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I wonder if they laugh and point after you are under the anesthesia…call in the office staff, you know?
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They probably give me dentures and new fillings.
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then hand you the bill! ouch.
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Yeah, maybe I should bill him for his bad attempts at comedy.
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Maybr that’s his night job 🙂
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I’d say maybe he should stick with his day job, but he isn’t any better and dentisting than he is at comedy.
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I will send you some references! lol.
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Dentists that aren’t trying to drill me for money? Great.
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oh please, the naivety.of course they are.
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Dang it dentists! Maybe I should become a fake one and start making money off naive people like myself?
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it’s happening, might as well jump on the band wagon.
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And torturing other people that I don’t like? Sounds like the perfect career for me!
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